I did not want something more than you… how many times do I have to tell you…there’s nothing wrong with you… it’s always me. I wus looking for the “feeling” … look, let me tell you… I loved you… but, the love wusn enough…



…I hate the feeling of being shut out… and it would be useless if I asked if how wus he doing… oftentimes, I find myself wit my s55 in hand wondering if I should call, or text… pero parang pag ginawa ko yun, ang kapal na ng mukha ko Maybe he is doing fine. Maybe he is moving on. Probably “attending” to himself… if he gets a text from me it might just ruin his day. He’s probably forgetting me now… he probably hates me now.



Watched Charmed last nyt… Phoebe had this dream, a guy in mask wus chasing her and the only way for him to disappear wus to unmask him…in which she did. Turned out the guy wus her… she understood the dream, and it’s like, she’s running away from herself.



…Maybe I am, too. Running away from myself. Running away from what I REALLY feel. Hey, like always… whenever I feel like he’s moving on with his life, forgetting about everything…here I go with wondering… “maybe I still do love him…” … and the thought of him being second choice is…wrong. Whenever I make a move, I’m always like…”won’t that hurt him?”… I’m like, super concerned…but…never show it. He was never second choice…



And I guess no matter how many times I explain it to him, it would always result to one thing… I’m still not gonna give it a try. But whenever he moves on, I’m gonna be like… “no, I just want you there..” … I remember telling him HE should move on. He’s like…”No”, but I’m like…”Yes…Yes you will…” … and now he’s doing it… I don’t like it. Whenever I read his blog, I get this..bad vibe. You can’t tell me not to read it. Right now, it’s where I could…see…how he’s doing, what’s on his head, and all that.



It’s funny cus everytime someone calls me… it’s like… Is it him? Is it Lance? …haha… turns out to be Len… or Brian…or Joel…or my Mum… and I’m like… “what was I thinking? Why is he even gonna call me anyways? “ …



The thing is, maybe I’ve just put him on one side… I’ve always had this feeling…if we ever did get together…seeing him, the way he does things…the relationship is gonna be SUPER serious. And it kinda scares me. Am I ready for that kind of relationship right now?...and the thing is, am I ready to be in one, with him? … is he what I really need right now? … or is there more out there?... or am I looking for something that’s right in front of me ALL ALONG? … but I guess I never am just gonna know… I can’t get into any relationship now, unless I know what I really want, and when I’m so sure that I could handle it… when’s that gonna be? Year 3045? When everything looks like the fifth element and Star Wars Episode II ?



But if I just let him stay there, and wait… and we still won’t end up with each other… that’s gonna hurt him more. If I let that happen, I’m gonna be the first cancer who’s ever let her selfishness go too far.



He wus right about that joke…”Maybe Abbie should break her nose. Bring her ego down…” … maybe I really am super self-centered. I can’t blame anyone who thinks that. It’s my fault. I never expressed…how I really felt….about him…



I just miss him. I know, I have all my friends, (really great friends) who could calm me down…but, he’s different… he makes me feel secure, I could talk to him about anything, I wus never scared to be myself around him because I know he’s never gonna complain, or think that I’m a freak…



But I never had the courage to tell him that. SEE? That’s the point. I never had the courage to tell him how I really felt…what more of getting into a relationship with him? I’m still not strong enough.



And even if he sings that Sheryl Crow song….



“Lie to me, I promise I’ll believe…lie to me…but please don’t leave…”



I won’t let that happen…cause…



“I never asked for this feeling… I never wanted to fall…I never knew how I’d felt ‘til the day you were gone…I wus lost…I wusn’t looking for love… somehow I let my emotions take hold, and guess what, all at once…I’m in love..”



and now…



“I have been lying to myself… and i..I have been dreaming of what I know would not come…but no matter what I try to do, to think I’m doing well… reality is, that I’m still not over you…”



and if he sings…



“and it's okay if you had go away…oh just remember the telephone, well, they’re workin it both ways…and if I never ever hear it ring…if nothing else I'll think the bells inside have finally found you someone else ,and that's okay..cause I'll remember everything you sang”…







then I’ll say…



“ I didn’t notice… but I didn’t care.. I tried being honest..but that lead me nowhere..one of these days…I won’t be afraid of staying with you, I hope and I pray… waiting to find a way back to you… ‘cause that’s where I’m home…”



and he might interrupt with..



“everytime I feel alone…I can blame it on you…we both know, that we want it…but we both know… you left me no choice…”



…I guess I should say…



“would you want me, when I’m not myself? Wait it on when I am someone else?..”



and he’d reply with…



“ knew the signs wasn’t right , I wus stupid for a while…swept away, by you…and now I feel,..like a fool…so confused…my heart’s bruised…wus I ever loved by you? … out of reach, so far…I never had your heart… we never meant to be..”



I’d close me eyes and sing…



“ the road ahead holds different dreams for me and you…”



*pause*



…deep inside me, I knew…it always was…



“you see, I always was your girl…always we’ll be… you and me against the world…”



but none of this seems to be getting to him, so he sings…



“you wanted more, more than I could give..more than I could handle…and the life that I could live…you wanted more…more than I could bear…more than I could offer…”



…I give out a sigh and say…



“ so why don’t you go your way, and I’ll go mine…live your life, like I’ll live mine…baby you’ll do well, and I’ll be fine… cus we’re better off, separated…”



but then he sings…



“ the sun won’t shine since you went away… feels like the rain is falling everyday… there’s just one heart, when there once was two… but that’s the way it’s gonna be… until I get over you..”



and,…just how I always sing…



“ and I really, really, really care… and I really, really, really want you…and I think I’m kinda scared.. COS I DON’T WANNA LOSE YOU… if you really, really, really care..then maybe you can hang through…I hope you understand…it’s nothing to you…”



he turns his back cus he’s sick of all this…



I know I have…



“..been running from these feelings for so long…telling my heart I didn’t need it…pretending I wus better off alone…but I know that it’s just a lie…SO AFRAID TO TAKE A CHANCE AGAIN.. SO AFRAID OF WHAT I FEEL INSIDE…”



and I think…I think he’d end it with…



“maybe it’s wrong to say please love me too, cus I know you’ll never do…somebody else is waiting there inside for you…maybe it’s wrong to love you more each day, cus I know he’s here to stay…but my love is strong…and I don’t know if this is wrong…but I know to whom you should belong…”



....to whom I should belong? … uhm…i think 3 weeks of not seeing your friends does help… last sem, people kept asking me what I liked about “this guy”… I always gave out a shrug. Thought I knew. Now I don’t. that’s the beauty of not rushing into things. Nothing is official as of now. Honestly. And I don’t really know what made me so “clingy” … it’s good cus I started to get to know people a lot more better. And I finally realized… I know what I deserve. And it’s not this… not this. I’m still on the search of knowing what I really want. Thank God, probably there wus still one screw tight…nothing’s official…I’m still free…still free.



and in the end, if he’s the only one I see, and I’m strong enough… I’m sure I will give us a try. Though I know I could do it right now, and I’d be happy with it, it’s just not time for that yet. I still want to see MORE. See more…see if I still have to…look…



but even if we don’t end up wit each other,…hope we’d still be whatever we were before this…before all this happened. Before we both fell. I know somehow you’re still in it… maybe I am, too… but maybe letting all this out could help. Lance, how are we gonna get out of this? … honestly…should we really be…totally out of it? I guess we should. For now.



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