uhm...things are pretty weird...i don't know why... but... i'm going through the same thing over and over and over again... like, nothing's even happening, and i'm confused!!!...



i just wanna let it out... if something happens before "it" happens, i'm definitely going for it, cus this is something i don't wanna let go of, because if i continue waiting, eventually "something" is gonna happen again, which would lead to another confusion, so, i therefore conclude that if it happens, i'ma go for it, so everything stops there, and i'm surely gonna be contented wit whatever there is, and i'd stop being confused... :D



i hate feeling this way...i swear... i can't go on wit anything because there's always someone who'll be affected... just like this one... and don't you just enjoy being around a lot of people witout anyone telling you not to, and meeting other people...going out wit your guyfriends... riiighhht?? ... you know... you still have that freedom... the thing is...you meet all these people... you like all of them... then you end up confused...who would you really like? then... you start liking one... but one of the people who you like starts liking someone else, you feel...kinda jealous...you don't want that to happen...then...it happens to the other one...and the other one... gosh... i don't know HOW i should feel...



honestly, you can't blame me... next to academics, this is the next thing bothering me...aside from that, everything else is fine... so,i can't stop thinking about this, until everything is settled... you can't blame me if this is affecting me too much. guess you'll hafta know me first before you judge... you'll hafta know WHY ... but yeah... i can't expect everybody to understand... :D basta, i'm taking George's advice. i'm just being true to myself. and this is my side.



*sigh*... basta...i'm still single...not with anyone...nothing official... :D that's it. i still don't wanna commit as of now.i'm still in the stage of...knowing what i really want.. REALLY want.



I know I did hurt someone. I did it for the both of us. I'm still selfish at this point. I still want my freedom. Although, yes... I did love him... I told Tony why I didn't wanna give it a try wit "him" and why i just left him hanging there... Tony summarized everything for me. He said... " this is it...: the feelings you had for him isn't enough..." ... YES. that's it. I did feel the "love"... i did Love. I DID. but the love i felt wasn't enough. i couldn't put it into words, but thanks to Tony...



I LOVED. but it wasn't enough. so that drove me to looking for something more.Although i know he could give me more than enough. definitely MORE THAN ENOUGH. since he always made me feel secure. and he always made me feel like..."this is reality"...and he also taught me how to embrace it... he's already given me more than enough. yes...i was in love... i was. but... un nga ..may kulang.. but i guess he misunderstood my actions in some way, which made him fall more..uhm, beyond this limit... but i was happy wit him... i just know i won't make him that happy...now i know why... and before the love grew more...something happened -



... don't ask.



i know i ruined his life somehow... but there's this part of me that says i still have some sorta...feelings for him. but it won't happen. but i'm not closing my doors. anything is possible... but...i guess for now... (well, my bad...) this isn't the right thing to do, but it's what we should do.. i mean, i don't think not giving US a try is right. HELLO? ... i'm turning down something before i've even tried it... i thought i wus being chicken...i guess i'm not. i guess i wus brave in a stupid way. stupid in a good way... i turned down something {more than} good enough...



right. i wusn chicken...i never wus.i wusn scared to love. i already did. i wusn scared to fall. i already have.



guess i just moved ahead of him. i couldn't say i've avoided the feelings, cus...he-llo, i fell already...but i probably just picked up all the pieces before he did. left him hanging in the air... i'm sorry...



you know who you are... i'm sorry ... i'm really sorry... i'm sorry and thankful at the same time... there's so much about you... so much more... you've got a lot to give... and, i'm not happy without you. hope you believe that. you're not doing the right thing. but it's your only choice left. don't wait... it's gonna be useless as of now...i just had to let this out. i had to swallow my pride before i got the guts ta type this. but i hope you understand now...



xoxo Lia*

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