Flashback. What good has this year done for me? I know it could be too early since it’s 6 days more ‘til New Year, but I felt like typing the highlights, the good and the bad things the year 2003 has brought for me.

January 2003. I have this entry in my journal saying that it has been the loudest new year I ever had. Fireworks and all…it’s also the saddest. My first New Year miles away from “home”, from my ex. This month has been all about him. Especially that time in Tagaytay, January 2, it was supposedly our monthsary. My relatives and I were having dinner at Leslie’s when all of a sudden a group of singers came to our table and sang “Can’t take my eyes off you” and “You”. Wow. Call that coincidence? Maybe. But if you certain beliefs, like, things like these could be a sign or something. God knows.

February 2003. Aaah. I met “Big A”, a talent manager. We were already supposed to do a VTR when Mum disagreed. Another modeling opportunity wasted. At least I might get to go CalCarries or JRP. :D God will help me on that. :D aaannd, the Boyz II Men concert. Gosh. That was supposed to be a great night since they sang all the great songs (except for OH WELL) , until I got to talk to my ex, who at that time made me feel verrrry “i-don’t-care-about-you-so-just-shut-up-and-call -someone-else-”…on Valentine’s Day. That was definitely THE highlight of the day. I got home, watched my high school videos and started throwing things at the t.v., especially when I get to watch those scenes where we hold hands or that time he carried me. Luckily, the t.v. is still in one piece. :D

March 2003. still reminiscing about the past. My first time to Eastwood. We went on exam week. :D the next day we were all packed up to clear out of the dorms. Roch left. I cried my eyes out, since she’s like my big sister. We both share the same passion for shopping and dressing up, we both have a lot in common, we both know a lot about each other. And I know I was gonna miss her. I still do.

April 2003. thought I have gotten over him. This was the month he actually admitted that he’s over me. I remember texting Lance that very same time. I remember crying in the bathroom, talking to my bestfriend, Maya. I remember cursing everything. I remember feeling so angry. At myself. I remember crying for a week. For three consecutive days I cried every morning, as I got out of bed. There was even this time when I got a glass of water, I sat down in the living room, then I just…cried. My cousin came over to comfort me, we were both in the same sitch. Funny. We always do. :D I was miserable. I felt that the world had turned its back on me. I felt so alone. Even if my friends were there for me, I felt left out, because no one would ever know what that felt like.

May 2003. I thought it over. I already lost him, and I didn’t want to lose our friendship. We eventually became friends. I don’t even know if it’s a good thing, but it’s a lot more better than us ignoring each other like we never met. Like we were never in love with each other. Like we were never…like we were never.

June 2003. I was filled with anxiety. I didn’t want to feel the pressure. I wrote “ I don’t wanna go back to the dorms yet!”. I also remember realizing to focus on other important things aside from myself. This month felt like January. Everything subjecting to change. This was the time I got close with Aldrich. Got closer to the tropa. I got more interested into learning, and eventually my prof in logic got to notice that. :D good start. :D THE BEST PART OF JUNE? June 21, my Mom tells me we have to pick her friend up the next day in the airport since she has this package my Mum sent, and that we should drop her off her house since she lives in Laguna, too. We get to the airport, went around thrice, we were looking for my Mum’s friend, who, according to my mum, has this big cardboard wit her name on it since I haven’t met her yet ( I forgot the name :D) I wus looking around for this lady wit a huge cardboard, instead, I find my Mum. I cried on the spot. It’s been a year and a month since we haven’t seen each other. It felt like we’ve been separated for ages. I didn’t know how to react, I was more than happy. My mom’s here. My hero. She’s here. In the flesh. :D the stuff she bought for me? oh, that’s just the bonus. :D also, Upper becomes the new dorm mate. SMALL WORLD! Upper proves that. She used to be my ex’s seatmate back in grade school. We got along really well. :D

July 2003. whoa…this month is about the pre-existence of my lovelife. :D I know I still don’t have one. But this is where everything starts. Again. Officially. The sparks, and all that. But this was the time I start getting depressed for no reason at all. My Mom’s here, I’ve got what I needed, but then there’s this emotional blackhole sucking me in. Then I think of suicide. I didn’t do it. I wasn’t even close to stabbing myself to death but it was close to getting the knife. I was helpless. I didn’t do any counseling since no one really believed Abbie thought of REALLY doing it. I start talking to God again.

August 2003. I had made a plan about sending my birthday gift to him but I decided not to. Then, it’s all about Shnookum right here. Oh, and that night we spent in Eastwood! :D that was cool. Even if Joel had all the fun, we managed killing time while waiting for him ‘til 4 A.M. :D Joel’s mum took care of everything at home. He’s got a nice family. :D Mom leaves for Jeddah, and I missed a tropa meeting in ATC because she left on that same day. I didn’t go with her to the airport. It was hard enough for me. I just cried myself to sleep. I was like this baby. But believe me. My Mom and I are inseparable. Although, it depends on the situation. :D

September 2003. I met Andrew. :D but then things start to get all mixed up. It’s not because of him, it was because of me. Because I let things happen. This is what you get of going with the flow. Too much of anything IS bad. Also the time where I start hating the “new attitude” of some people around…exactly. Over-confidence? IT IS A BAD THING. And for someone who I always hang out with? It definitely gets on my nerves. What is this, a competition?

October 2003. Things just get more mixed up. Problems with the tropa, the pre-existence of my lovelife is somewhat the cause of the conflicts, people talking behind my back, people blaming me…it all happens here. But this isn’t the worst.

November 2003. I start using Friendster! :D also the time where I spent the most. Oh, and the road trip to Tagaytay, which, EHEM caused some minor problems, but it’s all good. So far…until…

December 2003. Something weird happened. There are three guys in one table. It’s not just that. For me, this is the longest month. I mean, a lot happened! Things, that I’m not even sure if…they were supposed to happen. They just did. But then this month has brought so much. Some things I don’t even wanna remember. So let’s just leave it at that.