God..i don't even know how to smile anymore! well, with my cousins around, i try to be "normal" but when i'm alone..i just..can't...

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i've only had 5 hours of sleep...last night, ryt after i logged out, i just felt... bad. and cried. this morning, our neighbours were playing the radio so loud that i got up at 8 am...after that, my cousin and i couldn't get back to sleep...i felt miserable and i cried again. i can't let go of jaja...no,,,not jaja...not the jaja i know... ja is so hard to let go of. i know, i should hate him for this...but i can't...i don't know what's gotten into me... i know..it's like, i should've felt this before...but i was positive that ja still loves me...somehow...but now i've totally lost him...and he thinks it's that easy for us to get back being friends...just like that. after all that...he let's me go just like that...he fell out of love just like that...just like that... reality is...soooo...hard to bear...i won't last with my eyes open...i think i have to blind myself from the pain..pretend we're still together...NO! i'm not obsessed..i guess i just fell too hard...i think i'm still falling..which makes things worse...and i can't do anything about it... that's what hurts me most...i feel like my eyes are about to pop out of my face...



would you imagine? he said that i have been thinking too much, that's why things get worse, and that binibigyan ko ng meaning ang mga bagay na di naman dapat? THINK TOO MUCH? OF COURSE! He's my BOYFRIEND for chrissake! tell me, if you were in a relationship, and he breaks it off with you just like that, and tells you not even a year after that, that he's already gotten over you? D KA BA MAG-IISP NUN? WLA KANG KWENTANG GF NYAN! i've tried everything to make this relationship work...he's the coward...he's the one scared of trying...



well maybe he did try..it's just that...we're far from each other...maybe i didn't see his pain,too...i mean, i know ja loved me... and i also have been very judgemental..but you can't blame me..i guess i can't blame him either...



God, please help me get through this...

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Do you know that feeling…even if you’re not doing anything wrong in your life, suddenly things aren’t right anymore? I looked at the time… It’s just 12 am… I don’t even want to get to sleep…i want to cry, but then I can’t anymore…there are no tears falling on my face…I don’t know how I’m supposed to go back to living my life…where am I going to begin? Now I’ve totally lost myself… if only I could turn back time… if only I could freeze time…I would just live there forever…the times when we still called each other “baby”, or how we cuddle up even when mom’s around… or when we talk sweet nothings… how we plan our life… how he stares at me…how he holds my hand…how he kisses me… how me makes me feel like he’s just going to be…beside me…all the time…how he makes me feel like no one in this world could ever hurt me…and how sure he made me feel that no one could come between us…no one would ever take him away from me…I can’t even describe the exact feeling I have…no words could express how much pain I’m into… you just have no idea what I have been through…and you just have no idea how it feels…definitely no idea…it even hurts when I smile! I’m trying to be happy when I’m not…how could he do this to me? how could he do this to me? I thought he said that he wouldn’t leave me…I thought he said…he’d wait…I thought he said he still loved me? why did he do this?

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i asked him if he ever took me seriously...then he said that it was unfair and unreasonable for me to think that way, but then he said he can't blame me..and that i will always be a part of his life... THAT'S IT? that's all i'll ever be? A PART? when i think of him as MY LIFE? THIS IS WHAT I GET? i just wish you guys were there...you guys witnessed US...and i wish you heard ALL the talks we had...because by then, you would say that you'd never think that this is where we'd end up. but i'm not closing doors on him. things changed, and they still could. it still wouldn't end unless we meet...there i would know where i'll stand. i'm not stupid, i'm not numb...i guess i'm just strong...or maybe a fighter... but now, all i could do is cry... because he's gotten over me, he dumped me first... and when he gets a girlfriend?that means suicide for me... i know how ja treats a girlfriend...and i couldn't bear thinking of him doing it to other girls...he said i deserved someone better than him...damn..he just couldn't see that he is the best that i could ever...ever have. and still have. Choel told me that i'm one who's perfect...cus of the way i have been looking at things when it comes to Ja... Abbie...full of hope... but if you look at my eyes, all you'll see is pain. i just can't accept the fact that things are over...no....this is not how it's intended to be...this is not what's supposed to happen. C'mon...i'm only 16...things could change...i could still have him back...what if i don't? what if he finds someone?does it mean that...i'm never gonna find someone for me? or is it that no guy would ever want me?is this is all i am?trash?life isn't gonna be the same without Ja...at least knowing that i have him...where do i start? how should i put one foot in front of the other? how should i live life?but i guess i can't...there's no life to live anymore...

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since last night i have been figuring how i'm going to start my day... i didn't know it since this morning...i started it with crying... i was like this stupid lunatic... i clearly remember the sweet lines Ja and I have said to each other... this morning i was saying them all to myself... we were looking at this huge mirror, and he was hugging me, while we were both staring at ourselves, i asked..."Ja, do you promise you could wait for me?" and he said "yes..." and i asked, "how long?" and he said..."maybe..5, 10 years?" ... and then we kissed... one of the million reasons why it's just so hard to let him go...is because we just had a beautiful relationship...ja had never raised his voice on me,he would apologize even when it's my fault, and he has just shown so much effort...to make me happy...to make "US" work...the words we said to each other just made me think...that it would last.that he was sure.and that made me strong. that made me not think of myself anymore...and i'd always say to myself that he would be worth the wait.even if he dumped me in the first place, he had his reasons...but then...when he said "i'm all over it, bie..." , "i'm sorry..." i felt like the whole world fell on me..am i cursed? or am i just not enough?

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WHEW!!! i took a bath twice before getting into bed... spent the whole day cleaning the room...uhh..not actually the whole day, 'cuz i slept at 5 am, woke up at 8 am, went back to sleep, and got up at 2 pm, and started cleaning at about 4,5 pm... cool... i really feel like a vampire now...



oh, and ALLY got promoted, as Richard's partner! :D cool! and would you imagine, Bon Jovi as Ally's plumber? hehe... i just love that show...but nothing could just beat that kissing scene Clark and Lana made...how i wish i was LANA!

well...I AM LANA!! ;p Clark is MINNNEEE! and I AM LANA! ;p



you guys should download THE BUM BUM SONG by Tom Green...hehe..LOVE IT! hehehe....Eminem got the idea of wearing that costume with his "bum" flashing in Tom Green's video... in case you guys didn't know... :)



it's 1 a.m. and i still don't wanna go to sleep...well, i might as well do what i usually do when i can't really sleep...i light up my candle, play on some soft music...(freestyle is the best..or some classical stuff...or enya...) then think, think, think of the happy things that's happened in your life... and i'm just blessed to have so many, at this point of my life, knowing i'm just 16... i have so much to tell, and so much learned...wish i could share it with you...



well i can't sleep yet, 'cuz my hair's all wet... but..i'm bidding goodnyt... NYT!!!! :)

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there.... new info on abbie... :D

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Beer or rootbeer: I’d like a glass of evian,thank you! Seriously, ROOTBEER..LOOVE it..

Japanese or Chinese food: who doesn’t love Japanese?mmm…SUSHI…

Pizza or burgers: BOTH!

Chocolate or vanilla: well,I’d like Baskin Robbin’s French Vanilla, and Movenpick’s Choc’lit Chip…hehe…

Did you ever drink liquor: YUP!

Did you ever smoke: No furreaaking way..

Drinking or smoking: I only drink Cocktail… ;)

Bra or no bra: it really depends on my mood, but I would never go out not wearing any underwear…not until im 20! ;)

Briefs or boxers: I wear boxers…anything wrong with that? :D

Have you worn a T-back? Currently wearing one… (OVERSHARE! :D )

Would you wear a T-back? Yeah! Why not?

Reading books or watching TV: it depends…but I’d go with watching..

Walking or jogging: my dad and I used to jog together when I was a little kid…:D I’d jog…

Sleep or stay awake: Stay awake…especially when…but I’d love to sleep when…

Aggressive or gentle: hehe…BIG SECRET! :P

Conservative or liberated: I could be both….believe it or not, I could do that! Isn’t that great? (DOH)

Favorite type of chocolate: I love chocolate…(need I say more?)

Favorite music genre: I’d go with anything…really..

Favorite animal: dolphins..love them…

Favorite part of the house: my future room…my bathroom back in Jeddah is THE BEST…my room back there,too…damn..

Worst fear: HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND! Or…I get kicked out of school! :D hey it could happen..i get too crazy sometimes…

Smack or French kissing: a smack is decent…done in public (when I say public, I mean..me and my tropa…) French is really…really…sweet…a gentle french, though…GOD!..it’s been a year since I last kissed somebody! (OVERSHARING!!! Don’t you love it? )

Kissing or sex: I’m saving myself for that special someone…right now, I’m going for kissing…in a way,I still have that OLD FASHIONED filipina in me…this would be one of the best things I could ever give to my husband…one promise I’m trying to keep…God help me…

What one supernatural ability would you like to acquire? Professor X’s… the power to control one’s mind is cool…really cool…HEHEHE!!!! ;) I’m gonna control “someone’s” mind to…JUMP OVER THE CLIFF!!! Hehehe…”take off your clothes!” hehe… I’m a BAD girl!



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Lance, cool...spanish, eh? well u know that i'm kinda learning how to speak french..haven't really started yet...but i'm willing to...



this may i'll be having driving lessons... :) WAH! i can't wait 'til it's MAY! grrr... i wanna go SHOPPING! :) if any of you know this shop, LUSH, they have this REAALY great set of soaps... COOL! really cool... love it..love it... i'm obsessed with it, just the wy as im obsessed with THE OSBOURNES :) and, ALLY McBEAL, of course...but...but..but..ALL of these come second 'ta my honey, Tom Welling... :) if y'all didn't know, we've been together since...uhh....WAY BACK JUNE! hehe..whatever, abbie, you're just not making sense...



i was asking my mom for a polaroid camera..i mean it's cool..i love photography... :) i love taking pictures... the sky...sunset....i love watching the sunset...also, with a polaroid camera, i could take pictures of myself naked! which is COOL! (oops..that was an overshare.... :D )



BUT I WANT AN iPod!!!! GGRR!!!!



i'm talking to my ex ryt now...my other ex...but this guy, when we were together, our relationship wuzn't serious because we were kids by that time..i wuz....a freshie..hehe...whatever..



i don't wanna show up to anyone ryt now..just want to spend some time alone.... :) it is quite boring, but..i wanna be alone.... :) i guess i'm gonna be okay... i'm just not in the mood of showing up to people...



i'm just taking some time off...try to find myself...that past relationship i had blinded me...if only i had a journal..(i'm getting one next week...YES!!) my journal helped me know myself better, because i wrote everything in it... :) EVERYTHING.. :) hehe...



i'm gonna be answering that thingy lance posted in his blog...

Len, where are you? jeez....

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AM I OKAY? i don't think so! not until i get my laptop back... ;) I WANT IT NOW!!hehe...and i wanna get an iPod,too....oohhhh..... :)

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my life in Jeddah wasn't like this. I had the best High school life, great friends, a great guy...a great life. i miss my room... my parents....the food...i had it all... i feel so blessed that i have experienced living life both in a luxurious and simple way. the sweetest parents...my mom who'd usually kiss and tickle me to get up, and my dad who'd carry me around the house when he gets home from work. a boyfriend who made me feel so...complete...friends who called almost everyday...gurlfriends who cried with me whenever i have problems...i was surrounded by people who THOUGHT the same way i did...People who i really flocked with... People who were my real friends.teachers who taught me in and out of the classroom...(my teachers were even my friends)... great food, not to mention, i could have what i want ANYTYM...



i'm just still probably not used to things here ,which i have realized....just now.



i miss my friends, i miss my parents...my room, my bathtub, my cat...i miss watching sunset on my bedroom window...i miss sitting in that "OH-SO-COMFORTABLE" couch...i miss NOT being called "maarte" when i want to dress up, put make-up on, speak english... i miss having my friends who i could just reach out to... i miss hanging out with them, talking about stuff with them...



i miss waking up everyday...and i remember BEING HAPPY everytime i wake up... even if i did the same old routine... all that matters is that...never did a single day go by that Ja didn't peek in the classroom door...and those innocent flirtations.... we were angels... ;)



i miss everything about Jeddah...and you guys would just never understand why. you do think that it's better that i'd stay here, hang out with all of you, but you just don't know how sad that made me...



this explains all the "driving me nuts" stuff that have been happening to me lately...

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This is the worst summer - EVER. i feel so ugly, i can't always eat the food that i want, even if the A.C.'s on, it's so freakin' hot, there's no one to talk to, no one who cares... and everytime i look at myself in the mirror, i just hate it. i hate everything about myself. and i hate it when i can't eat what i want to. i'm craving for ice cream right now but no one wants to come with me to 7-11!!!! i dont want to go there alone because it's 10 pm! and i had this REALLY hard time connecting to the internet! there are no good shows to watch on t.v., i cant decide what VCD to buy because... HELL! i don't know WHY! and i'm quite broke, which explains why i can't go out...I AM GOING CRAZY! things would be A LOT better if i were in the dorm! DAMMIT! i've been looking REAAAALY miserable these days! IT'S JUST...EVERYTIME I GET UP IN THE MORNING, I DON'T FIND ANYTHING GOOD TO EAT, THEN I COOK FOR MYSELF...and it just drives me crazy that there's nothing to do in this freaking house! and how do i keep myself busy, when there's ABSOLUTELY nothing to do here! AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE A BOYFRIEND! not that i need ANOTHER ONE? i just hate seeing JAJA'S face everytime i close my eyes! i won't deny it to myself, but I AM NOT OVER HIM YET. that's the worst part. he doesn't even care about me anymore... and i'm still here...THINKING ABOUT HIM? I CAN'T TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT THIS! DAMN ALL OF YOU, WHO I CONSIDERED FRIENDS! where are you guys now that i need you? and to Ja, i never thought you would do this to me. i don't remember doing something wrong..that made us end up here.....AND I HATE PRETENDING I'M OKAY, BECAUSE I'M NOT! I'M TIRED OF BEING THIS MARTYR! acting like what you've been doing to me...has no effect or whatever... Hey...we were in that relationship together...how could you do this to me? i know, it's been 11 months since...but i still can't face reality...that we are over...this part just...drives me nuts.



i think i'm going to "jail" myself...



i survived life without you...without all of you...i don't need you now. i don't need any of you. to hell with everyone who hurt me....

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of all the people i could ever dream of, WHY JAJA? i dreamt about him saying sorry to me... and all that shit. i was like...UGH! but, anyways...it's a dream. which could mean...it wouldn't happen. because, it's a dream...(DOH) well, i'm just making things a little easy for me here... well...at least he did say sorry to me in my dream. even if it was in my dream...i think in a way...well...i don't know. but i remember waking up telling myself... JAJA?



"i'm not crazy, i'm just a little unwell, i know, right now you don't care..but soon enough you're gonna think of me, and how i used to be..."



there's this new song...Craig David and Sting sang it... THE RISE AND FALL... it's the type of song i wanna listen to when i'm driving...i'll be taking driving lessons, by the way... cool, ryt?

i need a new journal! something i could write on! i kept a diary since i was 11. and it's true that whenever you keep a journal, it would actually help you know yourself. yeah... since...that break-up we had, all i ever written in that journal was that how i felt... what i've realized... i kept that diary now. most of my memories with ja was written there. and i kept it in a drawer with all his stuff...his shirts, his perfume...all the pictures, i even have print-outs of the chats we had...all the stuff he gave me...including that pooh stuffed toy he gave me as a birthday present (we weren't together by that time yet...)



.......life......

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could my life be any more miserable?

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JEEZ!!!! i hate it! like, everywhere i turn, i see things that always reminds me of JAJA! JAJA, JAJA, JAJA! nothing else but JAJA... i remember hearing ALL MY LIFE by KC and JOJO this morning..HALUU??? it was that song...that was playing on MY RADIO when we were dancing around the house! JEEZ!!!! and like...BUTTERCUP...he always sings that to me over the phone...



it's so irritating because..this always happens when i try to move on with my life.. i don't know if it's a sign from God that Ja and I are really destined for each other, that i shouldn't try to get over him, but seriously, i feel like i'm going crazy because i can't share this to any of my friends anymore, because they are so fed up with it... and now i just don't know what to do. if i ALWAYS do this..i mean, write, write, write... it would drive me nuts as well, because...ALL I EVER DO IS VENT IT OUT! and when people read it, THEY WON'T CARE! i DO have friends but, they don't act like they are my "friends"... it sucks! like..i'm just this...decoration...nobody cares about how i feel anymore...



i feel so alone..so isolated... i feel so cold...



i've been trying to be happy, but it's even worse...the pain gets...even worse. it's even harder trying to hide how i really feel... i know i've been showing everyone lately that i'm still..u know..normal...but... i guess that's just me...i'm just...trying to hide everything. i don't think any of you would care. you're probably just too busy with your own lives,too...like you would care for someone like me... what am i to you people anyways?

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there's this song i reeeally like... it's depressing, but i can relate so much...i do think it's a song for uhh... someone close to you who's uh....dead, but seriously, i feel somewhat close to that...MY IMMORTAL by Evanescence... it's a really nice song... and if you haven't seen CRAZY/BEAUTIFUL,,,it's a great movie, i'm definitely in love with that movie...



"These wounds won't seem to heal... This pain is just too real... There's just so much that time cannot erase...when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears...when you screamed i'd fight away all of your fears, and i held your hand thru all of these years but you still have....all of me..." :'(



i'm really excited about my debut... i want that day to be really SPECIAL, and i want to be REAALLY happy... although it's gonna be...next year....aww,,,i'm such a baby! like, i'm only 16 now...turning 17 on the 24th of June... :D i'm a baby! that's why i hafta stay away from bad elements like the EVIL JOEL... i don't want to wear something pink...actually i'm thinking of something....gold...or maybe white...i think whyt is cute..and i want it to be held ...in makati..fernwood gardens... jeez! :) that wud be great...:D and i don't want to remember anything else, but...me...happy...and...i don't want to be compared with anybody! :) this is like..for the first time in my life, it's gonna be all about me... because lately people just tend to forget about me... :D so...un... :) gosh...have you seen Kc's? MY GOSH...



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My friends and i met up yesterday at ATC... (like i've been there the other day)...anyways, only four of us came...but it was cool... nothing much happened, but i really missed my friends...hope we'd spend time together more often...

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AHHH! i realized so much today... like, how stupid i've been all this time just drooling all over one person not worth crying over... :D WHEW! well...i must say he's such a great guy...but for now, i guess i'll just have to let go.i know that there is someone out there..someone who'd not compare me with any other gurl..someone who'd like me just the way i am...JUST THE WAY I AM. :) yea, he is out there somewhere... in his BMW... kidding...!!!! no, he's just there...probably thinking about me,too..wondering when he's gonna be meeting me... but IF ja is the one...then... he's the one...but for now, i'm living my life the way i want it...and if it's possible, then i'd get into another relationship. if i find the right one. my advice is, take things slowly...:) but live it up to the fullest! :) i guess i just don't need anyone right now. what i need is myself. i guess i've just spend so much time thinking about US, but lost tym for myself. and the worst thing is,,lately i find it hard to find what i want to shop...SEE? i don't even know what i like anymore! but it's okay..i got things figured out pretty much. :)

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my head really hurts...

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Darn...it's like...really hard to edit this damn blog, and my brain isn't really functioning well... probably because of a curse THE EVIL JOEL put into me...he is just SOO bad..

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Dammit..i have 106 messages in my mail? cool... jeeeez! it's so boring! it's like....i can't do anything at home,,, if only i could, i'd go out to Alabang everyday, then people watch with my laptop..only if i had it now. Thank God it's sooo fixable... i think Affleck and Garner would be a better pair than...Affleck and Lopez... i don't know, i just don't see them really good together... i don't...really... i know j.lo has almost everything...her own clothing line,"glow","madre's",she's an actress, a pretty good record deal, nice songs...BUT...she makes these LOUSY movies...the only movie i could say was..so far, CUTE, was...uhh...The Wedding Planner... The Cell had nothing but great effects,,,cool, actually...Enough... PFF!! typical! and what about ANGEL EYES? DAMN! she wasted her time shooting that movie..now she's shooting a movie with Ben.. wonder what that would look like... what about her role in Selena? i liked that movie...that movie's cool..whatever.that was way back 96...anyways...she was offered to do FRIDA..but she...turned it down!? Jeez..it was nominated in the Oscars...SEE? when can she make good movies like that? ... and why am i even dissing J.LO? jeez...what was i thinking?...i'll just sing......AM I GONNA BE LONELY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE???? GO RHETT MILLER!!!!

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hey len, thanks for that...introduction you did...whaddya mean i don't see Lance's charm? eshada? :)

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Yesterday, was a year since ja and I saw each other…we weren’t able to talk well, ‘cuz my mom was in my room, talking to him…I couldn’t give her the looks, like…”MOM!!!! A little privacy, PUHLEASSE?” all I remember was that he just went in front of me…(and I couldn’t look at him because I was getting teary-eyed already…)he was looking at me, and then he just touched my face...we didn’t say a word to each other,then, that’s it. He left. Afterwards, when I looked out the window, and saw him walking home, I sat down on my bed and cried. I didn’t want to show my mom that I was, but then I asked her this question…”MOMMY, WHY DIDN’T YOU GIVE US A LITTLE TIME TO TALK?” and she said sorry...and said…”if you told me, then I would have gotten out of your room, y’know…” well, my mom has a point. Jeez?! Could I be any more…STUPID? Ggrrr…. That was the 1st of April last year… wow…and I got to the Philippines on the…uhh…5th…magkasunod lang kami ni jaja nun e…my flight was on the 4th, his was on the 5th… I remember that conversation we had on the phone just before I left to the airport…he was REAALLY quiet…and he kept saying… “ganto pala ung feeling…” I wanted to cry, but…I don’t think it would help. I looked around my room, reminisced…this is the room I’ve stayed in for 5 years. The room that “witnessed” me growing up..the room that heard all the conversations I had with my friends…AND if you guys didn’t know, I convinced ja over the phone to tell me how he really felt about me…he was about to tell me the next week, personally, but I insisted on saying it…like…NOW! OVER THE PHONE!!!hehehe…whenever my mom’s around the house,,, and when my dad’s out, she ALWAYS agrees that I invite him over, and she doesn’t mind seeing us all cuddled up together in my sofa, and we usually eat ice cream and popcorn together. my mom and ja are pretty close,too… they call each other MOMMY TEENA and SON-IN-LAW..there are a lot of things I’ve gone thru in that relationship… I’m just never gonna forget all the times we spent together…

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OMG, it's like..soooo boring...my high school friends and i will be meeting in alabang on the 5th...dammit..i can't wait...to get out of the HOUSE!!!! :D :D :D

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