FORTUNE. HAPPINESS. SUCCESS.



- those were the three traditional Chinese fireworks that I lit up tonight. Hopefully, I get all that this year.



I got to call Ja, My dad, and my Ate Joy. Hearing Ja’s voice on the other line *again* made me somehow feel good. I don’t know if it’s a good thing, but it did help me smile through out the night. Not that it meant something, but… I just felt good. I was trying to call Andrew, Ed, George, Ban, Ayah, My Mom, Basil and Lance but it’s either they’re not picking up or I just can’t get through the freakin’ “traffic”. But then Lance called me, Joel too, and my cousin Elaine. My Kuya Richie was just on the phone wit me a few minutes ago. Freakin’ line got cut. Argh. We were in the middle of talking about movies!



“I promise” by Stacie Orrico is the only thing playing on my compo right now. I’ve been listening to it since this afternoon.



I keep thinking about Lance and his decision. I can’t help it.



hmm… okay I just got off the phone wit Kuya Rich. He lives in L.A. right now. He wus at work. I do pray he would be able to come home before I turn 18. I miss him a LOT. I remember how we hold hands whenever we walk in the mall or how we just giggle non-stop. He’s one of my closest relatives. He’s more of like my big brother. If he’d come home, it’s more than enough. We’d go par-tay in Libis and go to Rockwell or something. Oh well.



MY SENTIMENTS…



Guys, last year I spent most of my time thinking about my problems, crying in the bathroom, I didn’t concentrate on my studies, I had so much going on that I forgot to set my priorities. Most of you might have thought of me as selfish but believe it or not, my dorm mates have been telling me not to think of other people too much. How they’d feel, what they’d think… but it’s hard. This year, if there’s anything I wanna change, that’d have to be my outlook in life. It’s gotta be a lot more positive. I don’t wanna listen to what other people have to say.



When it comes to Heart Matters, I didn’t realize until last week that I have become numb. And very very scared. More scared than I have imagined. I don’t know if it is a good thing. Since I tend to stop myself from falling. That would also mean that I’m saving myself from getting hurt. Any guy at present would say that he won’t even think of hurting you. Maybe right now I can say “yeah, he won’t.” but I said the same thing about 2 and a half years ago, but where did I end up? Not that I’m trying to mention any names, but to be honest, I have found it hard. Really really really hard to give my full trust to someone. I don’t know if I have to change that.



Sheesh. When it comes to Heart Matters, I’ll just hafta leave it ALL up to God.



And I don’t know how this is relevant, but Miko Sotto’s death affected me A LOT. How? It’s when I saw his girlfriend, Angel Locsin. When I saw her, her eyes all bulgy,I don’t know. I felt her pain. Hey, I had a boyfriend too. When we broke up I felt like dying. But the thing is I’d still get to see him. She won’t. He’s gone. *sigh*… maybe she feels worse than dying.



NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS? NAH!



They just never work for me. I’m a spontaneous person, I don’t map out things. Very carefree. Although I have nothing against them, I just don’t follow whatever I write down. So I decided not to do any this year.



WHAT I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO …



because y’all would get ta see my room, and because some of my high school friends will be visiting. Aside from that, it has to be Valentines Day. No, it’s not what you’re thinking. It’s because I’m looking forward to who’s gonna be doing a concert! Who’s gonna be my date? My cousin of course. :D June ,too. Because I’m gonna be turning 18 then, and my parents will be coming home for my birthday. I can’t wait ta see them. And finally go to THE SPA in Libis. Yay! :D and this is when PRISONER OF AZKABAN would hit the big screen! :D



HOW I’M ENDING THE DAY



With a prayer. :)



And to y’all reading this, HAPPY NEW YEAR! I pray this time we all have a prosperous one. A happy one. Guys, let’s make the most out of this year. With all the tragedies happening around us, let’s value life. Let’s value every single day. Every single minute.

0 comments:

2003: LE AN-FIN RAPPORT



What a year. I look back at everything. From my favorite songs to my favorite moments. Just as I was swallowing my dinner , I thought to myself : “What the heck did I do this year?... did I make the most out of it?” Yada-yada-yada.



The year didn’t even start yet but I suddenly felt “the change”. Is it a good thing? Probably, yes.



How am I gonna start the year? I’m gonna start it by thanking God. For what happened this year. Like I said I always thought this year was miserable. But then I’m thankful because he got me through it. This year gave me pain. But of course it always makes you stronger. I also want to thank God for what he’s gonna give me this year. That includes my new phone. *wink* :D



I wanna thank God for my Parents – My Dad who is striving VERY hard to give me what he thinks I deserve. He even told my mom once : “is there anything I couldn’t give my daughter?” I cried. For my Mom : my partner-in-crime. Always by my side. My mom, for me – is everything rolled into one. She can be the worst enemy, the best friend, but to top it all off, she’s someone I can’t live without.





I wanna thank God for my Grandmother – sure, she blabbers a lot, but hey – I’m used to it. Hearing her talk like she’s firing a gun makes me feel like everything is normal. Everything is in place. It might sound really irritating but there’s nothing I can do about it. :D and I love her for that. Thanks for the doughnuts that you buy for me every weekend, Gramma. And for making me feel really important.





I wanna thank God for my Uncle – and my Aunt, too. For treating me like I’m part of “their” family. My Uncle, for being VERY patient when it comes to me, and for driving me to wherever. He’s another partner-in-crime, too. He gives me advices about guys, too. And for the trust that he’s given me. My Aunt, for the hugs that she gives me. And for saying “ I’ll pay it! “ when we’re out on the mall most of the time. And for laughing at herself. She’s at her 30’s, and sometimes she acts like this kid – I love her for it.





I wanna thank God for my cousins – sure, Louie and Maro could be a bit of a headache, and Chi is the one I get along wit. I love them. When we’re together we’re like this pack of hyenas. We never stop laughing. And making fun of each other. And thanks to their appetite, I guess it pretty much influenced me. :D





I wanna thank God for my Friends – Lance : I always said Lance is the one I knew the longest. He came before everybody else. Feeling bad? Saw something funny? Wanna talk to someone about music? Designers? The latest Roberto Cavalli line? My favorite Manolo? One person comes to mind. And that’s Lance. We’ve known each other back in first year. And he’s been around EVER since. I never told him that seeing him around makes me happy. (he might never believe it since he has this…thing about me saying stuff like this…) but he does. Len – it seems that we never get along when it comes to things that we shouldn’t really be arguing about. But she’s still there. And I’m still here. And I know we both are trying hard. I appreciate when she makes things look normal for me when they’re not. I appreciate the letters, the gifts. And whenever she makes me happy. She knows what I want her to be. Not that I’m manipulating her. But she knows. Ed – he’s always there. I don’t know. He does these little things that make me feel “special”. Don’t take it the wrong way. But Ed is just one of the best things that happened to me this year. He’s a great friend. Even more than great. George – one of the most unusual friendships. We say certain things that actually shouldn’t be said to each other and we never get pissed. It’s like we understand each other SO well. I’m not sure if George sees it that way but I do. He’s one of the people I know I can trust and I know I can be REALLY honest wit. I’m looking forward to more “deep” conversations wit him. Gail – her advice just helped me A LOT. I’ve been spending a lot of time in her dorm lately, (E4) and I know I’ve been bugging her somehow (when she’s supposed to be studying)… she totally gave me her ear when I needed someone to listen. And she tried her best to understand. Eventually, she did. And she respected me for that. I saw the sincerity. She wants me to be happy. I clearly saw that from her. Basil – of course, for all the mocks and for calling me a – nevermind. But inspite of all this, Basil is very…VERY mature. I’m not trying to sound mushy, but Basil really showed me that he cares. Honest! That’s very rare in a guy. Aldrich – for everything. The laughs, the headaches (lolz!), the good and the bad moments. For making me feel like I’m something. For lifting me up, and for being the guy that he is. Jay – we just got to get “close” lately but I’m thankful because we already built this trust. He IS a cool guy. And I know there’s a lot of time for mocking. Other people, that is. :D Karl – he KNOWS that I’m thankful because though we’re not really thislose we have “no hard feelings” when we mock each other. I also love him for being honest. Although his honesty could hurt, but that’s one of the things Lance likes about his personality, too. Karl, don’t change. Brian – I always thought Brian was tough. Like he never cared. But just when you need someone to listen to you, at the most unexpected times, you get a text message and see Brian’s name in your inbox asking you how you’re doing. We text each other when we’re bored and all that. Yeah, he mocks hard. But hey, that’s the way he is. :D Andrew - :D always made me feel special. He makes me feel like I could do anything I want to. That I can go through everything. He’s very patient. He has humor, too! I know there’s still more to see. And there’s LOTS of time for that. Mark – gives the BEST advices. He says things and it’s like BOOM! You realize things. He’s not afraid to admit things. We started being friends because of one person. But it all started on that small conversation we had in the e-house before and after the last novena. I’m thankful for that night. He sure does know how to carry a conversation.





I wanna thank God for the “Titans” – my former batchmates. Ayah, Maya, Angela – my gurlfriends. I barely hear from them. I don’t even think they still think of me, but I wanna say that I really, really, really, really miss them. My gurls are the best. Choel – he’s still there. Our relationship wit each other never changed. Never. Ban, Jayson, Nica, Nat, Chin – we’re all studying in the same school but we barely see each other, but then I’m thankful we still do – somehow.





I wanna thank God for my former blockmates – some of them, for giving me the worst “start”. Some of them for making me crack up. Even if I got to shift I’m still thankful I got to know people like them.





I wanna thank God for my dorm mates – for sharing all the secrets and the gurl talks ‘til the witching hours of midnight, for all the gossips, and the laughs we shared (and the food as well)… and just being there. Lately I go “home” and tell them the same problem EVERY single day. And they never stopped listening, giving me honest comments, understanding me, and fighting for me.





I wanna thank God for every single gurl who has looked at me from head-to-foot and to those who has raised their eyebrows, and those who have been making fun of me, and the ones talking behind my back – because they made me feel bad – in a good way.





I wanna thank God for my cat, Jason, for my dogs, Mimi, Cadpig, Blue, Theodore, Lucky, and JM. It is true. You’re sad, tired…you look at your pets. You’ll feel a lot more…relieved.





I wanna thank God – for my ex. For making me a part of his life. For making me see reality. For once making me happy. For giving me his heart. For taking the risk. For breaking my heart.





And lastly, I wanna thank God for giving me this life. This year. For giving me NOW.

0 comments:

I HEART DANIEL RADCLIFFE.



and Tom Welling…Keanu Reeves…and Tom Cruise…and Andy Roddick…Ashton Kutcher…I’m sorry if I left anyone out…(word! :D )

But OMG! I just saw the trailer of Prisoner of Azkaban for the second time and I’m like WHOA! :D



I got myself another white tank top from Topshop last night. And another one of those cute boyshorts. I’m gonna fill my drawer wit a lot of those… :D



There’s so much I wanna share ta y’all… I don’t know why should I be saying all these when they’re about my past, but… I just feel that my past is something really important to me. You can just skip this part if you want. :D



THE WAY IT WAS



I read my journal back in high school. Exactly two years ago… :D well, it was just one of those moments. :D oh, and August 1 and 2! Hehe. Honestly, each and every single time I read it, I get *kilig* all over! :D we were talking on the phone, and he was really surprised how I got to convince him to tell me over the phone. He said he was supposed to propose that Saturday, he even said “Saturday was gonna be the start of the rest of our lives”… hehehe. He said he didn’t want to be scared anymore. “Enough hiding…enough pretending..”



Maybe I should pretty much tell myself that.



I made him a journal. I started to write on them on the 25th of September…and I gave it ta him a few days before we both left for the Philippines. The last time we saw each other back there was April 1st. He wus in my room wit me, my Mum, too. And my dad wus at the living room. We were just standing there facing each other, Mum wus at my couch, he just looked at me, then he touched my face, and he left. I looked at my Mum, who wasn’t facing me, and I asked her..”Mum, why didn’t you give us a *moment* ?” and she wus like, “You didn’t tell me, I’m sorry…” I just gave her a smirk. I ran to the window and I saw him walking on his way home (it’s pretty near…), then I raced to my room and just sat on my bed and cried. Gosh. That was it. After this, it’s gonna take REALLY long before we get to see each other again. On the day of my flight (he wus leaving the next day), I was talking to him on the phone while I was putting some make-up on. He was quiet. I did all the talking…” So this is what it feels like…” those were the words he kept saying over and over…I didn’t want to cry. I tried acting as normal as possible. We said our goodbyes and I promised to call him as soon as I got there. I looked for my cat, and he was under my bed. He probably knew that I was leaving. I gave my room a quick “one last look”…I swear, I didn’t really look around and all that since I know I wus gonna miss it A LOT. This room saw me grow up. This room – this is where I ran to whenever I cried. This room gave me comfort. This room saw the real me. This room saw me in love, saw me happy. This room also saw me and Ja together. Eating popcorn and watching movies and all that. (Mom would let him come over most of the time, and she won’t mind seeing us together :D )…this room saw it all. And now I’m leaving it. I didn’t let a single teardrop fall. Because if I did. They just wouldn’t stop.



FACING REALITY THE HARD WAY – ALONE



When I got back to the Philippines, I knew it was gonna be hard. But I was willing to take the risk. I always thought we were both in it together. And that we both had to sacrifice. But then things don’t always turn out the way you thought they would. But he was right. We were too young to believe that we were meant for each other. At first I didn’t see the point. But I understood. I always did. I always had to.



"If two people are meant for each other, it doesnt mean that they are

meant for each other NOW." ---Pacey, DAWSON'S CREEK



“When you love someone, And you love them with your heart, It never disappears when you're apart. When you love someone And you've done all you can do, You set them free. And if that love was true, When you love someone It will all come back to you” --- FORGET PARIS



“Fate exists but it can only take you so far, Because once you're there, It's up to you to make it happen.” ---CAN'T HARDLY WAIT



"When you kiss someone, everything around you becomes hazy... and the

only thing in focus is you and this person... And you realize that this

person is the only person you should be kissing for the rest of your life...

And for one moment, you get, this amazing gift... And you wanna laugh and ou

wanna cry... Cuz you feel so lucky that you've found it and so scared

that it'll go away all at the same time..." ---NEVER BEEN KISSED



"There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop

loving, no matter how hard they try. I wouldn't expect you to understand

that, oer even believe it, but trust me, there are some love that don't

go away. And maybe that makes them crazy, but we should all be lucky to end

up with that somebody who has a little of that insanity. Somebody who

never lets go. Somebody who cherishes you forever." --- Ally Mc Beal



“When you've found that person you want to spend the rest of ur life

with, you want the rest of your life to begin right away." ---When Harry Met

Sally




True, right?



But what the heck. It’s probably too early to look forward to “forever”. Forever definitely can’t be now. We all have dreams to achieve. And that’s- my number one.

0 comments:

NEW YEAR, NEW PHONE, NEW…ME?



Just got home from Greenhills. I wus looking for Abercrombie and Fitch but I didn’t see one. Darn it.



I wus looking at that previous post and I noticed. This year has been hard on me. I mean, I know I should try and focus on the good things that happened, like my Mom coming home and all that. But, it’s more of the drama. If I were ta put it in one word, the year 2003 has brought me a lot of : DRAMA.



But then, let’s see… I gained a LOT of friends. My former foes are now my friends. How cool is that? :D and I also got closer to the tropa. Thanks ta Ben, who got me in…



Oh, about the new phone? I just made a miracle. GUYS… my folks are getting me a new phone! YAY! :D I won’t tell what model I’ma be getting but… it’s gonna be my new…baby. :D word…I pray my folks won’t back out… ;p



Andrew has a blog! Uhm, it’s a good start… read his post, it’s obviously Andrew’s. hey, I didn’t mean anything… :D WORD! :D *peace*…



Ohkay…so the little brats are bragging me about playing MARIOKART on the freakin’ Game Cube… I guess I’m gonna go join them…



EHEM… ta Karl, Zubair, Brian and Kelvin…PUHLEASE don’t forget ta bring some AL BAIK home. (don’t forget the garlic sauce) and ta Aldrich, don’t forget ta get me….erm, anything you could. Hehehehe….



Oh, and… NEW ME? I’m thinking of going BOHO and VINTAGE this year. I’m starting on getting vintage earrings. Does anyone know where all the good thrift stores are? I wanna get vintage shirts. Oh, and I want a baseball cap! A pink baseball cap…AND…this year I promise myself I’m gonna get more low-rise,hip hugging jeans. :D and more pointy shoes… (okay, this isn’t going anywhere near VINTAGE. :D I guess I’ll just hafta work on that. :D )



BONSOIR PEOPLE! :D

0 comments:

Flashback. What good has this year done for me? I know it could be too early since it’s 6 days more ‘til New Year, but I felt like typing the highlights, the good and the bad things the year 2003 has brought for me.



January 2003. I have this entry in my journal saying that it has been the loudest new year I ever had. Fireworks and all…it’s also the saddest. My first New Year miles away from “home”, from my ex. This month has been all about him. Especially that time in Tagaytay, January 2, it was supposedly our monthsary. My relatives and I were having dinner at Leslie’s when all of a sudden a group of singers came to our table and sang “Can’t take my eyes off you” and “You”. Wow. Call that coincidence? Maybe. But if you certain beliefs, like, things like these could be a sign or something. God knows.



February 2003. Aaah. I met “Big A”, a talent manager. We were already supposed to do a VTR when Mum disagreed. Another modeling opportunity wasted. At least I might get to go CalCarries or JRP. :D God will help me on that. :D aaannd, the Boyz II Men concert. Gosh. That was supposed to be a great night since they sang all the great songs (except for OH WELL) , until I got to talk to my ex, who at that time made me feel verrrry “i-don’t-care-about-you-so-just-shut-up-and-call -someone-else-”…on Valentine’s Day. That was definitely THE highlight of the day. I got home, watched my high school videos and started throwing things at the t.v., especially when I get to watch those scenes where we hold hands or that time he carried me. Luckily, the t.v. is still in one piece. :D



March 2003. still reminiscing about the past. My first time to Eastwood. We went on exam week. :D the next day we were all packed up to clear out of the dorms. Roch left. I cried my eyes out, since she’s like my big sister. We both share the same passion for shopping and dressing up, we both have a lot in common, we both know a lot about each other. And I know I was gonna miss her. I still do.



April 2003. thought I have gotten over him. This was the month he actually admitted that he’s over me. I remember texting Lance that very same time. I remember crying in the bathroom, talking to my bestfriend, Maya. I remember cursing everything. I remember feeling so angry. At myself. I remember crying for a week. For three consecutive days I cried every morning, as I got out of bed. There was even this time when I got a glass of water, I sat down in the living room, then I just…cried. My cousin came over to comfort me, we were both in the same sitch. Funny. We always do. :D I was miserable. I felt that the world had turned its back on me. I felt so alone. Even if my friends were there for me, I felt left out, because no one would ever know what that felt like.



May 2003. I thought it over. I already lost him, and I didn’t want to lose our friendship. We eventually became friends. I don’t even know if it’s a good thing, but it’s a lot more better than us ignoring each other like we never met. Like we were never in love with each other. Like we were never…like we were never.



June 2003. I was filled with anxiety. I didn’t want to feel the pressure. I wrote “ I don’t wanna go back to the dorms yet!”. I also remember realizing to focus on other important things aside from myself. This month felt like January. Everything subjecting to change. This was the time I got close with Aldrich. Got closer to the tropa. I got more interested into learning, and eventually my prof in logic got to notice that. :D good start. :D THE BEST PART OF JUNE? June 21, my Mom tells me we have to pick her friend up the next day in the airport since she has this package my Mum sent, and that we should drop her off her house since she lives in Laguna, too. We get to the airport, went around thrice, we were looking for my Mum’s friend, who, according to my mum, has this big cardboard wit her name on it since I haven’t met her yet ( I forgot the name :D) I wus looking around for this lady wit a huge cardboard, instead, I find my Mum. I cried on the spot. It’s been a year and a month since we haven’t seen each other. It felt like we’ve been separated for ages. I didn’t know how to react, I was more than happy. My mom’s here. My hero. She’s here. In the flesh. :D the stuff she bought for me? oh, that’s just the bonus. :D also, Upper becomes the new dorm mate. SMALL WORLD! Upper proves that. She used to be my ex’s seatmate back in grade school. We got along really well. :D



July 2003. whoa…this month is about the pre-existence of my lovelife. :D I know I still don’t have one. But this is where everything starts. Again. Officially. The sparks, and all that. But this was the time I start getting depressed for no reason at all. My Mom’s here, I’ve got what I needed, but then there’s this emotional blackhole sucking me in. Then I think of suicide. I didn’t do it. I wasn’t even close to stabbing myself to death but it was close to getting the knife. I was helpless. I didn’t do any counseling since no one really believed Abbie thought of REALLY doing it. I start talking to God again.



August 2003. I had made a plan about sending my birthday gift to him but I decided not to. Then, it’s all about Shnookum right here. Oh, and that night we spent in Eastwood! :D that was cool. Even if Joel had all the fun, we managed killing time while waiting for him ‘til 4 A.M. :D Joel’s mum took care of everything at home. He’s got a nice family. :D Mom leaves for Jeddah, and I missed a tropa meeting in ATC because she left on that same day. I didn’t go with her to the airport. It was hard enough for me. I just cried myself to sleep. I was like this baby. But believe me. My Mom and I are inseparable. Although, it depends on the situation. :D



September 2003. I met Andrew. :D but then things start to get all mixed up. It’s not because of him, it was because of me. Because I let things happen. This is what you get of going with the flow. Too much of anything IS bad. Also the time where I start hating the “new attitude” of some people around…exactly. Over-confidence? IT IS A BAD THING. And for someone who I always hang out with? It definitely gets on my nerves. What is this, a competition?



October 2003. Things just get more mixed up. Problems with the tropa, the pre-existence of my lovelife is somewhat the cause of the conflicts, people talking behind my back, people blaming me…it all happens here. But this isn’t the worst.



November 2003. I start using Friendster! :D also the time where I spent the most. Oh, and the road trip to Tagaytay, which, EHEM caused some minor problems, but it’s all good. So far…until…



December 2003. Something weird happened. There are three guys in one table. It’s not just that. For me, this is the longest month. I mean, a lot happened! Things, that I’m not even sure if…they were supposed to happen. They just did. But then this month has brought so much. Some things I don’t even wanna remember. So let’s just leave it at that.

0 comments:

First of all...MERRY CHRISTMAS TA EVERYONE!!! ;p ;p ;p



Hmm... this past few week, I've been this haggard. It's like I'm part of Heraldo now. (Not that I'm mocking it er anything but...based on what I've been hearing from my friends, I think it IS pretty tiring to be part of Heraldo. I always chicken out when I think about trying...to get...into...Heraldo... :D anyways...)... I lack SO much sleep. Swear. (okay, I'm currently interrupted wit Ed's...*looks*...) ...uhm...let's see... I started "SIMBANG GABI"...on it's first day. Missed the second. And the third. And the fourth. And today. MAH BAD! hyuk... :D what? I didn't feel well, I didn't wake up on time. Those are the few reasons why... :)



hmm...what else?



there's nothing much to say, really... or I'm just not in the mood to... :D



basta. MERRY CHRISTMAS nalang ulit.... Love y'allz!









0 comments:

Again, having our 30 minute break... Into to Comm theory is..pretty... i dunno. maybe it's the prof. but yeah, he's cool...he finished his M.A. in U.P. and all that.



uhm...i don't really know what to say but.. ALDRICH! WHERE'S MY TESTI? ... ;S



I'm hungry... :(



Bon apres-midi guys! :D

0 comments:

SO MANY RABBITHOLES.SO LITTLE TIME.



Hmm...currently at Nebo wit Ed. I figured if I did sleep at the dorms and I'd end up waking up looking for everybody..



First of all, I'm sick and tired of thinking about EVERYTHING. Like I said, I've always tried to keep my cool...i try to be as nonchalant as possible. But i guess I'm not really good at that. It's not how I'm built... (hey that's from Jerry Maguire...tee hee...but seriously... ) It's not an easy thing. I've been hearing a lot of things...like...he's...yada yada... she's yada yada...I'm yada yada... and this guy's yada yada...and that if that happens, it's gonna be yada yada, and if i go there, it's would result to yada yada... YADA YADA YADA. I give out this BIG smile and... I just SMILE. I don't even know if you could still call it a smile.



...I don't even feel like typing about it... there's something wrong. something missing. something... lacking.

0 comments: