GOING AGAINST FATE



When fate takes you in a place you don't wanna be in, you can change it. It's your life. You have what they call is "FREE WILL"...and you have every right to use it.



They're like, if I didn't do all that it wouldn't end up this way. If I didn't take this long it wouldn't be this way.



But I expected him to understand. He said he did. And that gave me the assurance that I can hold on to things for the meantime. Get myself together and finally have to guts to say "YES". I thought I was still in this stage of liking him so much. I said I needed time. He said he could give me time. And that he would wait for me. And that he won't leave me no matter what. I believed in every word he said.



He saw me around wit other guys, but I explained that I can't just cut things off like that.



For less than two weeks I got "ilang". It's happening. I'm falling. But i was SO scared.(F*CK! I've always BEEN!) Because that could mean that I could end up getting hurt again. But this time came. I thought THIS IS IT. But then just as I did, there it goes...down the drain. Flushed in the toilet bowl. It's like I was spit out or something.



On that Friday night when we sat beside each other in Ed's starex and then giving each other flying kisses just before I logged in I thought everything was fine. I was at Leah's dorm waiting for her ta get her stuff and I was smiling to myself. And then she popped out the question : Kailan ba, Abbie? and I smiled. I'm like... Eyah, konting konti nalang.



We barely talked (this I admit is totally my mistake..) but then we still texted. I told him about what I was doing and all that. But then when he said I LOVE YOU as a joke I took it seriously and it made me back out a little bit. He always wanted to tell me how he really felt but I didn't let him. That's where I went wrong. But then, in that span of time that we weren't talking, why didn't he approach me and ask me what was wrong?



And then, unexpectedly...he stopped. He lost interest. He lost it. He let it slip.



And now he acts OK. Like he's... not hurt. Like he never really felt anything for me. It's like we switched places. When Ed would joke about us, he'd say ... "SHUT UP"... Hey, that was my line. Is this how I made him feel? I didn't mean to. I didn't have any intention of hurting him. That's the last thing in the world I wanna do.



And they're assuming I just miss the attention he used to give me. BULLCRAP. If I did, i could've just gone for anyone and make papampam in front of him or something.



The thing is, should I be the one doing the talking FIRST most of the time? I make pakipot! Naturally! It's what a girl does! Think about it. It's like I'm that guy holding up this red cloth waiting for the bull to come after it. That's what it was all about. But did he come near me? He did. But we didn't talk.



He thinks I'm playing around. He thinks I'm still into some guy. But I already told him back then that it was him I liked.



Things went wrong but weren't they supposed to? Things like that happen to test you.



Guys, getting into a relationship doesn't happen "JUST LIKE THAT". I mean, for someone like me, who has gone through a lot...my definition of a relationship is DEEP.



I always say this, but you DO NOT know how much shit I've been into. How much pain I felt. You CANNOT blame me for being like this. I DID NOT want things to be this way. I DID NOT want to be this person. Always running away from things. All I wanted is for someone to UNDERSTAND that it takes time! It takes time... but when I say something I mean it.



He shouldn't have given me all these promises if he didn't mean it. He shouldn't have showed me how he felt if he wasn't sure...



He wasn't supposed to be that good. But he was. It was too good to be true. And then he slipped.



" Abbie, what's wrong wit you? you've become so silent these days, you're not as fun as you were anymore! " ... - i thought no one noticed. Everyone's acting so normal. Not that I want them to be affected... I just...



I want those days back. I get so desperate. Where is he?



How can guys just make you fall? and then he says things, you fall for it and then leaves?

Is that what they're good at?



What's wit the pride? Why are you mad? WHAT WENT WRONG? Why did you let it happen? Did it get to your head? Did it? What everyone is saying about you?...



I had a lot of guts to say all those things but then you didn't do the same. I know I might have stepped on your ego but it's no excuse for not hearing me out, for not really understanding my side.



People stop blaming me for ALL this, please. It's hard enough for me. I'm not the only one who made a mistake. I want to start over but he doesn't. We bump into each other and it's like this cold air. He's giving me this face that he's OKAY. "Oh, poor girl..look at you? YOU DESERVE THIS! after all you did to me! Now look at me? I didn't lose ANYTHING...and I'm doing great...I've never been better..." ... I thought it might be running in his head...



But then, for me... it keeps running in my head.



I want him back. I need him back. Because I love him.



It might sound cheap to most of you. But I need to let this out. A girl can only take so much.



I've been wounded before. Here's goes another one.



I thought I would be happy with him. I knew I was. Ask Gail. Ask my dorm mates. Whenever they ask me who I think I'm gonna be happy with...I answer....



I just hate to think that when I tell him all this, he's gonna think of it as bullshit. F*ck that. This is how I feel. I can't believe he doesn't have faith in me.



I admitted my mistake. What else am I supposed to do?



And how can he just tell me to forget about him? Why does he find it so easy?



If only I could go back...way back December... i would've...just went for it. I couldn't have been regretting all this.



It might sound stupid...but for as long as I could hold it, I'm not giving up. He might be saying it's over. But things aren't too late for me. They're never too late for me. This time I think it's my turn to fight. I just don't know how to start when he's not even letting me in. Giving me a chance.



How is the fight supposed to start?

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