THIS IS LIFE? IT HAS TO BE. IT WAS MEANT THIS WAY. FOR ME.



I’m typing this offline. If you come to think of it, it’s just another one of those late afternoons at the dorms by yourself doing almost nothing. At times like these all I do is daydream. Or at least stop the world from spinning and just think about life. How it’s happening. The events and all that. It’s fun, y’all should try it. :D

I’m sitting on my leopard printed stool by the study table, wit “My Immortal” playing, in my shorts and baby tee. I just ate my second sisig today, and I had two cheesecakes ( a treat from Karl ), and I’ve watched like 10 smallville episodes. All from season 1. Reminded me of the days when you feel so irritated that Lana and Clark missed a kiss… and they’d just leave you hanging there wit that teenage-love-affair-that-would-just-not-happen-yet feeling. And it sucks but you must admit: The cliffhangers do work. Hehe. Anyways, I don’t know why I’m talking about this. Just felt like it.



Andrew’s probably in the field, training. We won’t meet til 730 and I have approximately an hour. I did a pretty good job in my defense, I got the 2nd to the highest grade in our group. My prof says I should project a lot more. (Sheez, what is it wit projecting that I can’t do? ;S ) but then she wrote another comment : PLEASING PERSONALITY. You think that’s enough to get me in Lufthansa as one of their first class flight attendants? :D



I can’t wait to see the world. I can’t wait to get that sip of coffee wit the Eiffel Tower right in front of me. And ride one of those boats in Milan. And the Churches. The pigeons, too.



I remember feeling so excited about how the future would turn out to be that I forgot how to live day by day. Enjoy what I have as of the moment. The last time I was in the relationship, I thought way ahead. I wanted a pretty big house. Just enough for all 5 of us. I wanted 3 kids, girl first. I wanted to settle down abroad, I always imagined my firstborn daughter sitting at my hubby’s lap while he reads her stories by late afternoon at the couch outside the porch. On how the sunset would reflect on their faces. On how my daughter would end up sleeping on her dad’s shoulders. Just the thought of it makes me cry. That’s gonna be another chapter of my life. But then all those dreams faded. I thought I had found that one person I could spend the rest of my life with. But I just thought way ahead. And I fell for all those plans. They were marked in my stupid head that things were SUPPOSED to end up the way I had pictured it. With the person I had pictured it.



But things change. They can get better. Lucky for me, I believe it did.



It came through Andrew.



There are times when I would find myself going there – to that dream. But I stop myself. I have learned the art of living each day to the fullest. Sure we do talk about children but we don’t really take it that seriously. C’mon, we have a lot of time for that. :D I’m just leaving it all up to God.



For now, there’s just so much to love about Andrew. The innocence, the sweetness, the doodles he writes at the back pages of his notebook, the *blinks* he does, his smile, his arms, the way he gets jealous and still deny it, the way he’s give me kisses on my cheeks for more than 5 times (hehehe…), the way he hugs me SOOO tight, and the way he pinches my nose, and would you believe? The green jokes. I have eventually learned how to “ride on”. And we’d laugh of course. There’s also so much to know. I do think it’s not easy for Andrew to open up about his feelings sometimes. When I got to read the stuff at his notebook I was shocked… in a good way. I never knew that’s how deep his thoughts and feelings were. About me. He’s like this male version of me and it irritates me sometimes, cause I see myself in him, and I go : “ OH MY GAWD! …that’s how irritating I am! “… Funny I found my very own “katapat”… :D

(-March 8 2004)



con’td …



But then there are those times when you feel so sick of a certain situation. You’re tired of having the same problems, tired of hearing the same things, tired of saying the same things, and tired of doing the same stuff…over and over… but there’s actually nothing to do about it.



Let’s say, for every single day of your life you hear this person talking about the same problem. Same person. And this person says nothing good about him/herself. And you get so sick of it that you start to act nonchalant. But then this person thinks that you don’t pay attention. The hell… that’s what you’ve been doing the whole time! You’ve been saying every possible thing that has to be said to make that person think and feel better about the problem and what he/she feels about him/herself. But it all goes down the drain. So I got fed up and finally decided to shut up everytime that person would talk about all the negative stuff in this world. Funny I’m not the only one who notices that. Everyone’s been asking me why this particular person acts this way. I always say I DON’T KNOW, which is true. I was even pissed when one of my guyfriends told me I’m not doing it the right way, or it’s not enough or something. Oh yeah? You try living wit that person each day of your life… you guys haven’t seen me tell all those stuff to that person. Ugh. Not that I’m complaining but you can’t blame me for feeling this way. Some even told me this person is insecure. And that this person is envious of me. I remember that person telling me that he/she feels like competing wit me. You call that a friend?



Anyways… aside from that I’ve been starting to hate the song “Negative Things”… I don’t know, it’s like everytime they play it they just look at me and they look at each other and grin. Gawd, does it always have to be about him? Everytime there’s a problem does it always have to be “my call’? … that I should always understand his side of the story? How about me? My feelings as a girl?... it’s a relationship for chrissake! Two people should work on it! The load shouldn’t always be on my shoulders. I know things have been better lately but it’s just funny that he still doesn’t know what to do. Not to compare or anything but the first time I got into a relationship I never felt CLUELESS. I guess we all have this thing called “intuition”… and “instincts”… I may not have had experience on handling a relationship back then but I never had problems like these. And I’m the girl for crying out loud!!! I know it’s not supposed to be about gender but I don’t think it’s right for me to be acting as the male most of the time. I feel like it’s my fault why his grades are getting low. On why he’s failing. It’s like I’m this huge stone that’s blocking him from his academics. It just looks like that way to me. And I know that he is tired sometimes. Whenever I would lean on his shoulder I would expect his hand on my waist. But then you know when he’s going cold on you. And you know what sucks? Is that you have a problem and he doesn’t even notice. It sucks that you’re in pain and he’s just sitting there acting normal. I can’t say this stuff to him because he never understood me. But I do think that relationships require understanding. I’ve tried explaining but I don’t think it gets to him. And I just don’t know what to do cause everyone is on his side. People keep expecting me to understand! But a girl can only take so much. The thing is, I do love him. But you can’t blame me for feeling this way. But I believe that relationships require a lot of patience, too. *sigh*… so this is how you call ‘growing’… what hurts is that sometimes he’s hard on me. Like this one time I don’t text him and he doesn’t even look for me. What hurts me is that sometimes I can’t see the effort. I can’t feel that I’m important. And they think I just see all the negative things. What hurts is that they’ve always thought of me as being sensitive… not thinking of how I really feel. How can he not understand me when he doesn’t really want to understand me in the first place? I can’t go up to him and tell him all this. He’d just keep silent and let me do all the talking. In the end, when I ask him what we should do about he’d give out a shrug and say “ I don’t know!”… it makes me cry sometimes. 3 words : work wit me! … there was even this one time when it looked like he was so sick of it that he would break up wit me.



Shit. That’s just one of the most scariest things. For the second time, I’ll be trash. And I would end up going over the same thing. Back to that same blackhole and it would eventually take me years and thousands of guys to go through before I fall in love and end up alone again. It’s cool though, it’s a never ending process wit one objective – to hurt me.

(- March 9 2004)



cont'd...



I'm sorry if I sounded sarcastic... But this one I wanna clear out. I love Andrew and I have no regrets or whatsoever. Relationships go through this stage... y'know...not all relationships are perfect at first. I know we both will survive this. I know one day he'd learn how to understand me and vice versa. We've only been together for a month and a couple of weeks anyways. There's more to come. We have to be strong.



Leah and I had another really long chat last night. We both have so much in common... we stayed up 'til 2 A.M. !!! I pray they're both okay, though...anyways...



Right now I'm wit Zee at "I-SPOT" net cafe. Word. Funny. What if I change the I to G? HEHEHEHE.... (Sorry I've become one naughty girl!!! :D )



Ugh.



And now I miss Andrew... :( ohwell....

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