I noticed that I had a lot of extra space on my notebook. I thought I could turn it into my very own “Freedom space”. In the middle of class I could just express myself. I started writing today. At the back page of my first entry I wrote my sentiments about how I’m feeling for and about Ed; and the stall.

“Devastating. As I looked at the closed stall I had flashbacks playing in my head. Like a movie without sound. Memories trace down to how a friendship started. How love started. How life started. Memories of how I would order the same dish for 5 consecutive days and how Ed and Joseph would tease me about it. That stall witnessed everything. It was where I poured all my emotions out wit Ed. Where we had fun and all that. I know that place was fun because of Ed, but I have somewhat learned how to develop some sorta love for the place. I am now sitting in one of those “kubos” in front of the stall. A man just came out and locked that small door. That door where Ed, Andrew and I would go out to every Saturday’s when we spend time there at past three. When they close everything and that’s the only door open. Now there it is. All quiet and empty. Worse, closed. And as I saw the man lock the place up, I felt a part of me was missing. I felt that a part of me was trapped in. It might just be a place. A piece of wood and cement nailed and piled up together. The tables, the walls, the chairs, the counter, the dirty kitchen…I have lived every single day of my school life going there. I’m gonna miss it big time. It’s where Ed and Joseph started talking to me. It’s where Ed and I became friends. It’s where we got to be closer. But I’m happy knowing Ed’s still there. I just don’t want Ed to feel like this because I care for him. I care for him so much. I care for him a lot. And what hurts me is that I’m just sitting here. Writing this. I wanna be there for Ed. I know I may not be much of help but I just wanna be there beside him. He’s more than just my brother. He’s all that rolled into one. My dad, my bestfriend, my adviser, my brother. He’s one of the voices in my head. People might think I’m overdoing it, or they might just think the way I act all depressed just makes things worse. I know Ed doesn’t need that but I just want him to know how I feel. I guess that’s just how I’m built. I’m just expressive. At least Ed knows how I really feel. And I just want y’all to know that Ed means a lot to me. He means a lot to me, and I don’t want him hurt.

Not my Edimund…”

As I got to the dorm I gave out a big sigh. Tied my hair up and undressed. I got my doughnuts out of the fridge and munched on my favorite. Chocolate Marble. I sat on my white stool and just wondered. I had “Goodbye Again” playing. And I was leaning onto my bed. And from there I could see the picture frame that had my picture wit Ed on it. I couldn’t even bear looking at it. I couldn’t help it, but I cried. Mixed emotions. I wanna help but I can’t. I wanna be there but he needs time.

I just feel that I owe a lot of things to Ed. My parents are far away from me, and when I’m at schul Ed IS my “wall”. I wanna say this proudly. Ed has a big responsibility of the person I will turn out to be. And I told him that. At those times I needed someone to be proud of me, Ed’s there. At those times I needed someone to “wake me up”, Ed’s there. At those times I needed someone to give me a direct and honest answer, no matter how much it hurts, Ed’s there. At those times I needed someone to understand me, Ed’s there. At those times I needed company, Ed’s there. I can be silly wit Ed. Tho sometimes thinking bout him criticizing me still scares me… :D Ed made me see things in a different way, too. Just like Zee. Now Zee is another story, but I owe a lot to him, too. Because I know…a 100% that this guy cares about me, too.

I just want Ed to know all that. I know he doesn’t really get to read my blog but at least…if ever something happens to me he knows. (what the ---- am I talking about?)…

Ed, I’m praying for you, man.

I love you, Ed!!!!!

Stay… I KNOW you will.