GOING THROUGH MY YESTERDAY...



Our yesterday, that is.



I'm just talking about "yesterday-yesterday". I was talking about our past. Our past loves. Past heartaches.The "past-past". The Past we both wanted to forget. And had such a hard time going through it.



Honey and I barely know each other. We've met once, and we only kept communication going through tagboards, text messages and emails.(that y'all know.) Last night, Honey gave me the company...that felt like she was just right there beside me. Right. We barely know each other, but I can say in a way we've made up because we both knew that we went through the same shit. And we both know how it feels like.



When you fall in love, and I mean deeply in love, for the very first time... you don't know what's gonna happen. You don't know what's in store for you. All you know is THAT feeling of being in-love. Like everything happening is a dream... it's like, you can't feel the ground anymore...and every moment spent with your "other half" is... jeez. There's no word to define that feeling. Heck. Feelings can never be defined in words. I love you isn't enough anymore. Seriously. I LOVE YOU just isn't enough.



We both got our hearts broken for the first time. And it was unforgettable. It had left me nothing. I used to think, "Heck. I fall in love and end up in pieces. With a heavy head and used tissues."



Every morning I woke up feeling dead. I just lay there staring out the window, thinking of how something so beautiful... could end... just like that. Just like that it all ends. Suddenly you wake up to reality alone. And your feet's on the floor. No butterflies in the stomach. Instead, you feel sick from your drinking session the night before. You look in the mirror and don't like what you see. You start wishing you were someone else. Anyone. As long as they were happy.



I went through that for a year and eight months. Yet I survived. I promised myself that I would set my priorities, and that I wouldn't fall - again. I always told myself, "I could make it without a guy." Thinking of what I had gone through. I didn't want to fall again. Whether that means falling in love, or falling into pieces. I didn't want to feel either of them. I wanted to save myself from the pain.



Honey's right. Love is a choice. A choice sometimes not made by us. I did not choose to fall in love. I just did.



I sometimes thought that my heart had a mind of it's own. Like I have two brains in two different parts of my body. And I always wondered... which one should I use?



I had turned down a lot of guys (some I even liked) in that span of time. I even started falling for some of them. But I just did not feel like taking the risk again. Gimme a break. Loving...is not a joke.



Until someone came along.



Now y'all know that part of the story.



I found someone I wanted to take the risk with again. Someone who I believed was worth it.



And boy, was I right.



This one was different though. And I admit, better. Although I sure was in love with my past... but maybe I feel this way because I have grown and learned from that experience. Making me more mature with things. Though it might seem that I still act immature about things, that's just how I am. Thankfully, Andrew has learned how to handle US well. We both are doing a great job at it, even if we both sometimes forget to understand. But like I said before, I have always felt how we were meant for each other - in every single way. His liablities are my attributes (and vice versa).



Andrew is perfect for me. And I am willing to go through all the shit... just as long as I have him by my side. It's more than enough to keep me going. Plus, my faith in God. Who has always been good to me. I'm not scared anymore, as long as I know he's there.



That's the only thing that's scaring me. Not having him there with me. Not walking on the road, through the road with me. And instead of going further, I go back to the dark road.



Maybe I am willing to accept what might happen. I just might be able to. As long as we both try to go through it together no matter what.



Last night he told me "we will fight".



Someone told me that before but ... It ended up with only me fighting for it.



I know Andrew meant what he said. I know he wants to fight. But I was scared.



I just realized. There's something scarier that being left alone.

To me, it was being left by Andrew. Someone that I TRULY love. Someone that TRULY loves me.

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