MY WORLD STOPPED SPINNING.



- For a moment there it did.



First PMA, now what? PATTS?



I was at CPK with Caloi, having lunch… when all of a sudden, I get a text that says he might just finish 2nd sem, and he’s off ta “being a pilot”.



Gawd, this is so funny. Remember I mentioned something about checking out his friendster photo, and found this really cute picture of him, it’s caption said “future pilot?...nah, just sound trippin’ “… and then I sent him a message that said it would be kewl, since I always thought of being a flight stewardess, and if he would be a pilot, that would rock.



But I was kidding.



Or maybe I’m just being selfish.



I mean, if you think of it, it’s a lot better than being in Baguio, since Pasay is just one ride away from Dasma, and we could see each other more often… and when we graduate, we could work in the same airline, and see the world together…



But then what about now? How are we gonna live through days – of not being together, just like we were used to?



I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m scared. Like hell.



What if he falls for some hot chick while I’m not there beside him? What if he finds someone better than me? What if…



What if he turns out just to be like my past?



What if he doesn’t fight for me?



What if his love just … slips away?



What if I lose him?



*pause*



*tears fall on cheeks*



*stops typing for a while*



I’m not being selfish. I want Andrew to be happy, I want him to do what he wants to do. But you don’t understand. You don’t understand. Whatever I say, it will still sound selfish to you. You don’t know what it’s like to be in my shoes.



IN OUR SHOES – that goes for me AND Honey.



Of course we couldn’t help but think of ourselves as well.



How the hell are we gonna survive?



Don’t tell me that I’m exaggerating, but it’s hard when you don’t see each other very often, and we’ve been used to seeing each other every single day of our freakin lives. We’ve spent days being together. We’ve always had dinner together, we always say GOODNIGHT in front of each other… I run to him when I have problems…



How the hell am I gonna do that when he’s all the way there in PASAY?



And how about his friends? Yeah… the people he gets to meet there? What if they’re like, a group full of all these PLAYAHS… and take him ta places that could…



What if he changes?



What if we grow apart?



What if…





I DO NOT WANT TO END UP IN THE VERY SAME ROAD I WAS – TWO AND A HALF YEARS AGO.



Don’t tell me to calm down. Don’t even.



This is so weird. I’ve been telling Honey this and that – and now it’s like… Shit, did I say all that? How did those words come out of my mouth when… it’s not easy to do?

I really am mixed up right now.



You guys, you just have no idea HOW MUCH I love him.



Only God knows how much. And God knows, how hard I have been praying for both of us. And I’ve always asked God – I’ve always prayed… not to take Andrew away from me.



THERE IS NO LIFE WITHOUT ANDREW.



But then again, that’s just me. I don’t know if he feels the same.



Thing is, Andrew himself does like the idea.



I really don’t know how I’m supposed to feel.



ANDREW IS MY EVERYTHING.



If he transfers to another school, a lot of things will change. And I’m aware of that.



Then again the future seems so blurry.



AFTER ALL THAT – WHAT NOW?



What’s gonna happen to him? Me?





US?



Right at this moment, I feel like punching the wall.



But I still love myself. I don’t want to get hurt.



I’ve been hurt one too many times already. And I’ve been taken for granted. I’ve been dumped already, and I’ve been used… by so many people. But still …



I never stop loving.



And what do I get in return?



I get to be left behind.

Thrown in a corner.

Torn off in a book.





Really, is this where I’m going? Is this what I’m destined for?



To be stepped on by men over and over?



TO BE STEPPED ON BY MEN – THAT I LOVE… OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER?



‘Til the time comes that my beliefs in love will simply be - ….



‘Til the time comes that I become the most bitter woman in the universe.



‘Til the time comes that love will mean nothing to me.



Then I just won’t believe in love anymore. And I grow old alone.



What if he thinks that I’m not worth fighting for, waiting for…



After all that I’ve done.

After all that we’ve been through.



…after all that we’ve been through.



I am just NEVER enough. I am just never enough to make a man happy. Never enough.



… Maybe I am thinking way too ahead…too much even.



I’m blogging this because this is how I feel. Hell yeah. This is my blog anyway.

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