TEARJERKER!!!



Watched THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST today wit Caloi. Darn. That movie made me cry! It’s been a long time since I cried in the movies. The Last Samurai got me teary-eyed. But this one- shux. It just made me cry. It made Caloi cry a bit! Haha! Thought it was cute tho. But in between his “sniffs” he’d be hitting me on the arm and say. “Ikaw kc! This was your idea!”… and I’d burst out laughing. Haha. sa kanya pa nakatapat ung A.C.. Hahaha.

The movie just focused on Jesus’ sacrifice for us. Gawd, how he took every hit. I really cried, but I especially cried on that part when they were nailing him to the cross. And when they were nailing his feet, he cried, “Father…they do not know…they do not know…” and then his blood just gushes out of his body. I’d say HANDS DOWN to Mel Gibson. He just did a GREAT job in directing this film. It’s definitely a film I wanna own in DVD. It’s definitely a must-see. Caloi thought it was GORY, but I think it’s reality. I do think Jesus have gone through that. That movie made me think a lot. Actually Caloi and I shared the same thoughts. In summation, we both thought : “it made me feel like not committing a single sin!”…which was true. I’m not exaggerating, but the movie made me feel that way.



I got to Caloi’s place at 1130. We left for G4 at around 1155. We walked back home. It was really near. It’s really fun walking. I love walking.



Oh, and he was featured in MEG! Check him out if you get a copy! Check out MEG’s April ish, page 28, Carlos Locsin. Haha! SIKAT NA PALA KABABATA KO! ;p ;p ;p He got himself a copy, and gave it to me. I knew it was gonna be his treat! He treated me to Starbucks, and to the movies. Hati na kami sa “Lunch” in Yellow Cab. YUM. Manhattan Meatlovers. 14 inches. 8 slices. He ate four, I ate three. But I had left-overs. The last slice, we had it “wrapped”…(haha…) It took us SOOO long to call someone ta get it. He’s like…”Ikaw na…” I’m like…”No, ikaw na…” that went on for about 30 minutes. He ended up calling someone. BLEH! ;p Hey Curly, if you ever get to read this, THANKS A LOT! I HAD A GURREAT TIME. :D



…hey, I’ll be seeing Andrew tomorrow! YEY! I just can’t wait!!! I can’t wait to see Baby… hmm… Miss him so much… Baby, I hope you’re okay and that darn bus didn’t do any damage or anything. And I hope you were able ta…u know…hold…hehehe….I love you! Mmmmwwwwaaahh!!! :D Gawd, if only I had a so much money I’d be getting my Baby a car of our own. Haha. :D It’s mine on weekends. Haha! :D ohwell…



I really can’t wait ‘til tomorrow. Wish us luck…about our grades. Please pray for us. Please…

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TALK SHOWS ON MUTE.



Love that song. wish I did put the T.V. on mute though, while I was watching Smallville. Stupid Clark. Why?d he have to tell Lana that? ARGH!...



My Cousin got a new dog. A Sharpei! We named it Nanah. I like pronouncing it Nay-nah. Hehe. My sheets are starting ta smell like her. Eew. She had been sleeping in my bed last night, and after she woke up, Fritzie was asleep, and only Louie and I were awake, so Louie was like?playing wit her, and I was laying down in bed, watching T.V? I was quite sleepy, but I din?t wanna sleep since Andrew wasn?t home yet, and I didn?t wanna sleep unless he texts me that he got home. And when he did, I decided to let Nanah sleep on top of me. She?s really heavy. Gawd. So she was leaning on my tummy, and she looked sleepy so I decided to sing to her?whaddya know. In a few minutes she drifted off. And I had no idea that the next few minutes, I would be, too. That was past 1 A.M.

I woke up at 3 A.M., saw Nanah awake, and I decided to put her in the box before my sheets smell like sharpei piss. And I got up at 11. dammit. I had to call CAP?s main office to ask a few questions. I?ll be going to Makati tomorrow, then Caloi and I will be going ta G4. Bwahahahaha. I wanna watch a movie and get an Ice Monster!!! Uhh?then what? Hehe. Lunch? :D Ionno.



Karl and I were texting yesterday. Wonder what that biatch is up to now. hehehe. Karl! Don?t forget mah pasalubong!!! :D



I miss Andrew. I don?t know how I could ever express how I really feel. People, can you see how much I love the guy? Well?you haven?t seen enough. Jeez. It?s like any minute now I could just?explode wit emotions of all sort. The thing is, the love that I have for Andrew just keeps growing. I mean, compared to what I have been feeling before. I had so much ?instant attractions?, which were strong enough,but I could just tell the difference. Wit him?I just find it soooo hard to express how I feel exactly. It?s just soooo deep. I still keep thanking God for giving me that kind of strength to keep ?insisting? on everything. Hehe. But really. *sigh*?Gawd, cause if I didn?t? I just wouldn?t know how good it would feel like. He makes me so happy. Just sitting beside him makes me happy. Hehe. If Baby?s reading this?well? I LOVE YOU!!! hehehe? okay I better stop now before I start crying. WORD! :D

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3 COLD DAYS.



Before I see him again.. and after that it’s gonna be 11 SUPER long days. Gawd, 9 days already felt like a month.



I’m praying for my grades! I computed my GPA and it only reached 2.20,( I NEED A 2.50! DAMMIT!!!) but World Litt wusn included yet since I would be able to get it today. But even if World litt was…UGH.



I’m happy for George! He passed World litt. I know exactly how it feels. Congrats, George.



But I was disappointed. These weren’t the grades I was expecting. I did pretty well this sem. I shouldn’t get a 1.75 in ART APP! Since I got a 1.25 for my prelims, 2.00 for my midterms and 4.00 for my finals! Rose ( Mommy Odeng’s daughter) told me that sir just gave us half of what our grade really is since Com3-1 did not submit a documentation…(I think that was of the play we did for finals.)… I got a 1.25 in my Commtheory is good enough for me. I’ll surely miss Sir Espejo. He’s so direct and vocal. But thanks, Sir, you did a good job in teaching us. And thanks for the compliments you gave me after watching that hideous tape. (the one where I was part of the sportsfest…) :D

Here’s what shocked me the most : a 1.25. IN REED! HAHAHA! Funny,right? I mean, my prof treats REED like a MAJOR SUBJECT! WTF? He’s SOOOOO strict and shit… I cannot believe I got a 1.25 in REED. Hey I know, REED is an important subject since it’s about God and Religion, but…my prof is making a really big deal about the rules. It’s all about the rules…gosh. But ohwell. I just pray he won’t be my prof next sem.



Ed was so sweet kanina! he kept hugging me and Baby…hehe. I could tell, that guy missed us a lot. :D well I miss him, too. And I miss him again. :(



Zee kept messing up my hair. Haha! I told you it helps in hair build-up. My hair looked like it was teased. We nearly had another COLD moment. Thank God we didn’t. Please, don’t Zee. I hate it when we don’t mind each other! Ugh. Hey I’m playing “Talk shows on mute” :) Hey, where’d you go Zee? I was looking for you but you…disappeared. Hhmm…Oh, and…you’re a really smart guy…(I bet you know that already…) wish I could be like you. Keep it up, Zee. :D



Baby? Baby looked SOOOOOOOOOOO cute! haha. Especially that part when he was about to leave, and his friends keep calling him…hehe. Looked like he din’t want to go!!! That was the first time I saw Andrew acting like he missed me a lot, and is gonna miss me again. Aww…Baby… kung ganyan ka lang tlga ka-expressive? GRABE!!! hehe. *kilig*…but…I still love Baby for the person that he is… :D I LOVE YOU, BABY!!! Hehe…



Lance…Lance,Lance,Lance… :D haha. kulit mo kanina, Lance… Hey, you’re definitely lending me that MAROON 5 CD! ( JOHARI! Hah! I got it first!!! ;p ;p ;p )



Len…gosh, girl….thanks a LOT! For always offering to get me my classcard…sweet mo naman, Lenny… pati pinauna mo’ko kanina na pumunta sa stall… Thanks for understanding that I really had to go because I MISSED ANDREW a LOT! Hehehe… thanks Len…thanks for being so good to me. Sana ganyan ka na… mmwwaahhh! Love you, girl… :D



Oh, and to make things clear…I AM over my ex. That’s it. and I love Andrew SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much! :D



Caloi? Hoy Lalake! :D … I’ll see you probably on the 31st. :D Let’s watch a movie! Your treat! I miss the CONYO air that I could feel only when you’re around. Haha! :D see you Curly.



CAN’T WAIT ‘TIL IT’S SUMMER – CAN’T WAIT TO GET MY LIFE BACK!!! AAAHH!!!



Enjoy your summer, guys. Ooh! I need ta get a new swimsuit! Tell me guys: WHITE or BLACK? Help me!!! :D

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I’M JUST ANOTHER EX HE’S GONNA HATE.



I texted him yesterday about my sentiments. About how I feel that it looks like he doesn’t give a damn about us anymore. It’s not only that, I guess. I knew from a friend that he told her : I’ve never been this happy BEFORE. My initial reaction? napatulala nalang ako. How dare he say that?...Hey, I know first of all, I should REALLY stop bragging about this, since it’s been decades since HELL happened, but… I just couldn’t accept the fact that he’d compare his past relationships wit his current. As far as I know I did everything to make him feel happy. The love that I felt for him that time was so strong. That I was willing to do anything for him. I just didn’t know saan ako nagkulang.. and after all that he’d say he doesn’t have plans of having a gf. August 7 >em> pa naging sila. I know he was asking for forgiveness. But after all the pain he’s caused is TEXTING enough? Gawd, I deserve something more than that.



Now he’s mad at me.

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A: Hndi k mnlang b ngtka kng bkt kmi sby2 2mtwg sau khpn, ja?alm m b hndi m kmi masi3 kng iniicp nmin n hndi n kmi imptnte sau…nbti m b c mya?bday nya kahapon…alm nmin n msaya k ngaun ja.Kya lng sana naman kht knit mrmdmn nmin n mgkkaibigan prin tau KHIT PAPANO…n meron naman taung pinagsamahan khit papano…



J: Lam mo bie, it’s very easy 4 u 2 say kci magkakasama kayo jan.and pls don’t misconstrue my pagiging matipid as wala akong paki. Kci honestly, NAGHIHIRAP KAMI NGAYON!!!



Kya magaan loob ko sa ibang frends natin jan kci kahit d ako mktxt, andun pa rn ung warmth ng frndship nla. Sorry kung d ako makaTEXT ha. La po kci ako

pera e.



pls convey my happiest bday gritings ky maya. Im sori kung ganyan kyo mag-isip.basta alam ko, I hav bin and wil always be a great friend for the titans. Sori if u don’t feel that.



A: I din’t wnt u 2 feel bad, ja…ewan ko ba…I just wanted to let it out…n we were tokn bwt it last night…I din’t know na ganun ung situation mo eh…sumama lang loob naming. Bt you can’t blame us…I don’t want you 2 feel bad…



J: honestly, you already did. Go ahead and tell everyone 2 clear the air, if that would satisfy you. pasenxa na if I fail to kip in touch ha?! Pki sbi rn sa mga “sumama loob” sori…



A : I know y you’re thinking that way, ja. We’re not forcing you 2…just that…na explain ko na sau un…n I won’t go tell…ano ka ba?





Ja, I’m really sorry. Hindi ako (dpt) ngpdla sa nararamdaman ko about this…yan 2loy. Nagalit ka pa sakin.. malayo ka na nga samin…I’m really sorry, Ja. I din’t want to hurt you…really…

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Actually Ayah and Maya din’t really feel bad about it. But I can tell, partly they are. But I’m the one affected by this. Mostly. Take out all the “kami, us, we”…change them into “ako, me, I…”



He can’t text us, but I’m sure he texts HER a lot…and they’re there together. All I wanted to say is that he should’ve at least remembered Maya’s 18th birthday. Just because he’s ---- centered, he should forget about US.



The “other” friends he’s saying actually feels the same way as I do. the only difference is that they don’t take it seriously. But I do. when it comes to him, everything’s serious. The anger that I feel is serious, too.



He just caused me a lot of pain. I don’t want him thinking about me the same way as he did to his exes. But then thinking about him feeling anger…towards me, it felt good. This might sound weird, but thinking about him being mad at me…I kinda like it. I don’t know why.



Haha. he even might be telling his girl : “everytime I think of her, I feel my blood rising..” OHMIGOSH! Haha! just exactly what he told me about his ex when we were together. Hehehehe.



I just think it’s funny that things are sorta happening again for him. Congrats. They’ve been together for 7 months now.



Right now, God forbid…but I’m still mad. I don’t know how am I ever gonna forgive him. God help me.

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WE’RE IN COLLEGE, AND STILL TOGETHER.

- Ayah





GAWD! I had a GREAT…GREAT time wit mah gurlfriends yesterday…It was Maya’s 18th birthday! WoOhOo!!! Belated Happy 18th Birthday, gurl…I LOVE YOU! :D



I got to G4 at 1130. I sat at Starbucks waiting for Maya…Maya came, and I didn’t even hug her… (sorry Maya…) Ionno…I just don’t get it. I mean, usually I would give my friends a hug, but… argh. Even Ayah thought the same. “Yeah, she’s like that. I saw her at Filinvest, no hug, no nothing! She just held my hand…” I don’t know what’s wrong wit me… Anyways, Ayah came next, then we took a picture of ourselves in my cell… *tee hee*…then later Leslie came. After that we all headed ta Ssbarro to have lunch. Maya’s treat!!! :D I had two BIG slices of pizza. Hawaiian and this…I don’t know…I finished nearly half of the second pizza… Ayah borrowed my mirror to “spy” on her crush. Haha! She looked so cute. I missed these people a LOT. It felt so good…I have always wanted to be the person I was before again. And being wit them, somehow helps reminding me how things were. Of how I used to be.

We went around after lunch, then decided to got back to get a Starbucks fix. Maya’s treat! :D After that, the big word: SHOPPING! :D Since I was allowed to stay overnight at Ayah’s place, I had to get some stuff. Underwear. Tank Top. Shorts. : Topshop. Mango. People are People.

We watched the WAVE anniv concert. Saw bands like 3rd degree ( I liked them…), Southborder (WHoooOO!!! I’m playing Rainbow right now…) I HEART JAY DURIAS!!! Haha… Saw Nyoy Volante…(thought he was really cute),Aliya Parcs, Jimmy Bondoc, Nina…in between all that, we decided to go back and eat dinner. Neya and Angge (Maya’s friend) was wit us by that time. We all headed to McDo. But it was full. So we went to KFC. I didn’t really wanna eat anything…I just wanted a McFloat…but I was lazy going back there and falling in line, so I decided to just get one before we go back to the concert. After Maya, Neya and Angge came wit the trays, Maya left, and a few minutes later she came wit my McFloat! AWW!!! That’s really sweet of her. :D



Everyone in favor of Andrew? HAHA! Yeah. I’ve been telling them about him. They love him already. :D aww..I miss him a lot. He’s not even replying to my texts. Ohwell.



Neya and Angge gave Maya this really cute gift. A drawing of her and Mark Abaya! KEWL! Haha. I think Mark Abaya’s cool.



The concert wasn’t really done yet, we decided to go home (Ayah’s place) but I had to withdraw money. On the way in we saw NATHAN and NABIL! Har-har! Nabil wasn’t really minding us, he was wit his gf. So we all were aroung Nathan. He grew BIGGER! He was really tall! ARGH!



I wasn’t able ta withdraw, so we all decided to hail a cab.



As we got there, I saw Tita Josie. And Athar! My Gawd, she’s as tall as me, and she’s in 2nd year highschool!!! What the--? :D Ohmigosh. Tita Josie started talking to us, and I didn’t realize how much I missed her! I missed Ayah’s family!!!! GOSH… I really really really do. I even missed Ahmed, though we don’t really talk AT ALL. Haha! :D See. Maya’s, Ayah’s and my mom were all friends before we were. Cool. Y’know what, I even thought of Ayah’s family as my second family! They’re just really really really really really…REALLY nice people. Ayah’s dad rox, too! Hehe. I miss them. I even miss Ayah’s room. Hehe. :D I miss everything back in Jeddah. I miss Ayah just calling up out of nowhere to TELL me to sleep over. And how we’d have picnics by the seaside… I miss Tutti…that little girl…well, she’s not little anymore! Haha… It just felt good seeing them again… felt so good. :) I miss them again… :(



Then we all left for Eastwood. (Thanks for taking us there, Mido! Haha…di nya kami matiis eh…Cold on the outside…kind-hearted on the inside! Haha, what am I saying?..:D ) I had a cosmo. Maya’s treat! :D Didn’t finish it though. I was too weak to finish it all. I’d be dead meat if I did. But…



I DANCED MY ASS OFF! Haha. Ayah rocked the dancefloor! Maya and Leslie just “let go”… and me? I still didn’t show off those moves that I do when I’m alone at home, in my boyshorts. Haha. But I did have a good time dancing. The couple behind us were actually caressing each other’s butts. Okay. So what? :D It MUST be a normal sight. (I’m not saying it’s right, tho. But it is “normal”..)



We left at 155. We got home, talked, went online…slept at 5. Sorry for that kumot thing, Maya bird! :D Woke up at 12. Ate pancit (YUM!!! It’s been awhile since I ate pancit…) and Brownies…



Ayah took me to the rooftop. 22nd floor. Wo. Nice view. Magkaakbay kami while we were walking up. She’s like…” College, and we’re still together…” I’m like, “of course, ayah…”… NOTHING…NOTHING could ever break the bond we have. The bond that Ayah and I, Maya and I have. NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.



We just went around. We didn’t go dramatic on each other, tho. But we were, sorta. She’s like : I’m gonna miss you, Bie… I didn’t wanna give in. I might cry!!! But thank God, she studies here in the Philippines. If she studied in Egypt, that would be worse. ARGH.



Maya, thanks for making me feel that my presence had somehow made your birthday “complete”. Senxa na wala akong gift sayo huh. Maya, thanks for listening when it comes to all the “nonsense” things that I have been bragging about. I know I should forget about it. But after what I’ve heard from Les.. I just couldn’t accept it. I know you know. And thanks…to both of you (ayah) for insisting on letting me go… You were right. Ayah? Insisting? Haha. :D I love you girls a LOT. It’s true. I can’t believe we actually still find time to do this!... I mean, it’s been 2 years since we graduated…since all that happened. I’m thankful we still have each other. Even if we don’t really talk as much as we used to do. Gosh. I feel like crying now.

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SIGH.



We’ll be turning 2 months on Wednesday. It seems like we’ve been together for a long time. I was just reminiscing about how we got together and how everything started. *kilig* :D



The first time I saw him, was at the dorm’s acquaintance party. He was auctioned for…400, 500 bucks I think? But he didn’t really catch my attention ‘cause I didn’t get ta see him that much, and besides I was into someone else that time.Then there was this one time I was waiting for someone in front of the boy’s dorm, I was sitting there, texting someone when all of a sudden, he and Mark appeared, on their way to the boy’s dorm. I acted normal and all that, I said HI, but then I was really busy doing something, so they both went in… and I saw him more often around school, and we’d say HI… eventually I had a crush on him. *tee hee* :D … Mark formally introduced us on September 24. We walked to the rotonda, and spent like, an hour there. When we walked back to the e-house, it was freaky. You could just see the reaction on their faces. The “what-the-hell-is-SHE-doing-with-Andrew?” look. Weird. And then a few days later, we’d see each other more often at the square canteen, and there was this one Wednesday where we (Me, Len and Andrew) spent time at Ed’s old dorm. We watched a movie ‘til late afternoon, then he had to go. Ed took care of EHEM some stuff…he asked Andrew questions and all… :D …most of the time we spent together at the stall… he would bring me ta class, too. I remember this one time. Exam week, I had an exam at 8, and when I logged out, I saw him there. I asked him what he was doing there, he said he was taking me ta class! And when I asked him what time his exams were, he said, “10…” … *faints*…haha! That’s what I call “effort”. ;p we would look at the stars, talk at the e-house ‘til curfew…and text a LOT. :D



But then things started getting weirder and complicated for me. That “fork” incident. And I wasn’t really ready for anything yet, but something’s telling me I HAD TO decide. But I was so lost. I didn’t know what to do. But the truth was that I liked him, but didn’t want anyone to get hurt. But he was giving up. And I didn’t want him to. Cause it felt wrong. So I had to go against my will of not deciding yet. I told him I liked him. Which was true. But I didn’t really feel like it that time so … the next 2 weeks I was cold on him. Which made him think that I was playing around…and then he got so fed up of the same thing happening, so… he stopped. This time he didn’t even tell me he was.



The way he made me feel that time was TRASH. I swear. And it hurt a lot. Because the time he was really gone, that was the time that I realized that it was him I loved. You’ll never know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone. True.



And I went through a lot just to convince him that we should give it another shot and all that. But he just didn’t want to anymore. He would say “what for?...and “why do you keep insisting?”… OUCH. It’s like more than one slap in the face. I couldn’t help but think of how stupid I was.



Days passed. Though it wasn’t easy for me, I had no choice left but to accept it. But then there are times when I’d bump into him and not say anything. There was this one time I was walking to the dorms, saw Ate Kay at the back of the stall and asked her if Andrew was there. He was. I even heard him. I couldn’t bear hearing his voice so I had to leave. And as I reached the dorm, I was crying. That didn’t happen just once, believe me. I even texted my ex for help. One of the weirdest things I did in my life.



Lasallian week. He didn’t even come over my dorm on Open house. Every single time I saw him, I felt weak. But did I have any choice?



The last day of Lasallian week, Friday, January 23rd. Ed convinced him ta sleep out, since we all were. We were sitting beside each other at Cyber and I was blogging about being happy that somehow we’re friends.



Then Ed came. We hopped in his starex, Leah and I were sitting in front, and the rest of the guys were at the back. We ate at Miggy’s. We were sitting on opposite tables. Then everyone went out and left the both of us in. I felt that he wasn’t really comfortable, so I hurriedly finished all my food, and we went out. Everyone was just sitting out, so I looked at the stars. And I pulled him. Then we were just looking up there. For a moment. It felt good.



We got ta Ed’s dorm, and everyone started biking… I didn’t know how ta bike,and he was like, “bilis, sakay ka, turuan kita…” but I had my heels on. I had a hard time! (who won’t?)… Leah was on the other bike, and he was on “yellow”. And then they were like…”Sakay mo si Abbie!”…it took a while before he said yes. We were biking after Leah. kung saan saan kami dinala! …when we noticed that we were pretty far, we all decided to go back. And after that huge hump on the road, we both nearly fell from the bike. That didn’t happen just once. The second time it did, we both stopped from biking. He touched my stomach and asked me if I was doing fine. We were both laughing. And then right there and then. I turned to him and gave him a hug. I thought : if he didn’t hug me back, then there really is nothing left. But then he did.



“Abbie…” before he said anything else, I just told him what I felt.



The rest was history. :D



We were biking on our way back ta Ed’s dorm when we saw Eyah on the way. Told her about it… I was so freakin’ excited. I was really excited about Ed’s reaction. When we got back, he wasn’t there yet. But less than a minute later, he came. Andrew and I were hiding our hands from our back… when Ed got out of the car, I was like, “ED!!! KAMI NA!!!”… he’s like…”hindi nga…” and I’m like, “yeah!”… deep inside, I thought : “that’s it?”… mah bad. He went in his dorm. slammed the dorm closed and shouted…”PUTANGINA!!!”…(LOLZ!) :D



That was past 12.



Things were scary at first, since there’s a lot to adjust to, and it felt like we were both new to it.



Sure, we have our days… and we had those petty fights that made us feel like we won’t last long… but I guess it’s normal for two people in a relationship to feel and go through that stage.



I’m still not thinking ahead. But this I know : I wanna be wit him.



:D Baby, thanks for EVERYTHING… I love you soooo much!!! And I miss you, too… :’( you take good care of yourself…mwahmwahmwahmwahmwahmwah!!!

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A CONTROL FREAK FOR A NIGHT.



Not that I’m trying to control someone else’s life. It’s my life I’m in control of. For a night, that is. As usual, we sleep out at Friday nights, stay at Ed’s. This time, as I got there at around 3 when Upper dropped me, instead of lying in bed watching Smallville, I got the scrapbook I made for Ed and started finishing it. (Good thing he didn’t notice, he was behind me while I was doing it. Hehe.) Afterwards, I went to the dining table, took out all my Communication Theory notes and made a reviewer, just so my memory could again recall the freakin’ lessons since prelims. When Andrew came, I wanted to go to Walter but it looked like he was tired so I didn’t let him come wit me. I got some stuff and went back to the dorm, ate my food… and then… Jay came wit Karl, he was bringing his videocam. And I had mine, too. Lucky me, he had an extra tape wit him, so I got to record, too. Jeez, that was one weird night. I don’t wanna tell all the details. Ugh. Save it for Halloween or something. At around 10, we all decided to go to Hubsite. I had to do my project. Andrew, Jay and I were in Hubsite while Zee, Karl, Basil, Brian, Kyle and Kelvin were at Hubcafe. Drinking. Karl would go in Hubsite and interrupt me by typing things like “ B is cute. A is cuter. K is the cutest. D is the cutestest. “ haha. Then Zee comes in and he messes up my hair. But at least he helped me wit the grammar. Howard was there, too. And Mei.



Andrew went out ahead of me. When I was done, I found him drinking beer wit the rest. Shit. I hate seeing baby drunk. I just hate it. I tried stopping him but he and the others didn’t wanna let me. Fine. Eventually, just like any other guy who isn’t used ta drinking, baby…yep, you guessed it. I thought it was funny. :D Andrew acts so weird when he’s drunk. So zee helped me get him back to the dorm, and as we got back there, Zee gave him my bottle of mineral water then he went back ta Hubcafe. Ed was asleep. Okay. I had to make him go take a shower. Uhh… okay. So I’m like, “Baby, are you okay?”…no reply. I told him he had to take a shower. He started untying his shoelaces. I helped him. Actually I took his shoes off. :D I thought it was cute! Haha. Like I’m a nurse or something. Too bad I didn’t wear that Pink Esprit dress. When I wore it they called me Nurse Abbie. Hehehe. And guess what? Baby was singing in the shower! HAHA! :D I couldn’t stop laughing. I wanted to record it on video but I’m not that mean.



I thought I was in control cus I drank, too. But those were one of the times I knew what my responsibilities were. And besides, I guess I’m pretty much used to it. Not that I drink on a regular basis, but… you know what I mean.



But then I wasn’t able to sleep well.



I’m thinking about March 29. I’m nervous. God, I just pray my grades turn out good.



I miss Ed. I miss Baby. I miss Karl. I miss Zee. I miss Upper. I miss Camille. I miss Jay. I miss Kelvin. I miss Brian. I miss Eli. I miss George. I miss Leah. I miss Len. I miss the stall. I miss the dorm. I miss my bed. I miss Ed’s dorm. I miss Ed’s starex. (tee hee) I miss my life.



Oh, and I took Andrew ta ATC last Thursday. Got a frapp and watched 50 first dates. :D Good thing he enjoyed. We din’t get to roam that much, though. But it was okay. It’s fun being wit Baby. :D I wanna go out wit him again. :)



Mya? Mya, I miss you girl. I really appreciate what you blogged about me. Thanks. Reading that made me feel really important. Not that I never did, but you know, now that we’re far from each other. *sigh*. Magkikita kami ni Curly sa summer. Meet you in g4 or greenbelt. Text Ayah. Hehe. :D

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THIS IS LIFE? IT HAS TO BE. IT WAS MEANT THIS WAY. FOR ME.



I’m typing this offline. If you come to think of it, it’s just another one of those late afternoons at the dorms by yourself doing almost nothing. At times like these all I do is daydream. Or at least stop the world from spinning and just think about life. How it’s happening. The events and all that. It’s fun, y’all should try it. :D

I’m sitting on my leopard printed stool by the study table, wit “My Immortal” playing, in my shorts and baby tee. I just ate my second sisig today, and I had two cheesecakes ( a treat from Karl ), and I’ve watched like 10 smallville episodes. All from season 1. Reminded me of the days when you feel so irritated that Lana and Clark missed a kiss… and they’d just leave you hanging there wit that teenage-love-affair-that-would-just-not-happen-yet feeling. And it sucks but you must admit: The cliffhangers do work. Hehe. Anyways, I don’t know why I’m talking about this. Just felt like it.



Andrew’s probably in the field, training. We won’t meet til 730 and I have approximately an hour. I did a pretty good job in my defense, I got the 2nd to the highest grade in our group. My prof says I should project a lot more. (Sheez, what is it wit projecting that I can’t do? ;S ) but then she wrote another comment : PLEASING PERSONALITY. You think that’s enough to get me in Lufthansa as one of their first class flight attendants? :D



I can’t wait to see the world. I can’t wait to get that sip of coffee wit the Eiffel Tower right in front of me. And ride one of those boats in Milan. And the Churches. The pigeons, too.



I remember feeling so excited about how the future would turn out to be that I forgot how to live day by day. Enjoy what I have as of the moment. The last time I was in the relationship, I thought way ahead. I wanted a pretty big house. Just enough for all 5 of us. I wanted 3 kids, girl first. I wanted to settle down abroad, I always imagined my firstborn daughter sitting at my hubby’s lap while he reads her stories by late afternoon at the couch outside the porch. On how the sunset would reflect on their faces. On how my daughter would end up sleeping on her dad’s shoulders. Just the thought of it makes me cry. That’s gonna be another chapter of my life. But then all those dreams faded. I thought I had found that one person I could spend the rest of my life with. But I just thought way ahead. And I fell for all those plans. They were marked in my stupid head that things were SUPPOSED to end up the way I had pictured it. With the person I had pictured it.



But things change. They can get better. Lucky for me, I believe it did.



It came through Andrew.



There are times when I would find myself going there – to that dream. But I stop myself. I have learned the art of living each day to the fullest. Sure we do talk about children but we don’t really take it that seriously. C’mon, we have a lot of time for that. :D I’m just leaving it all up to God.



For now, there’s just so much to love about Andrew. The innocence, the sweetness, the doodles he writes at the back pages of his notebook, the *blinks* he does, his smile, his arms, the way he gets jealous and still deny it, the way he’s give me kisses on my cheeks for more than 5 times (hehehe…), the way he hugs me SOOO tight, and the way he pinches my nose, and would you believe? The green jokes. I have eventually learned how to “ride on”. And we’d laugh of course. There’s also so much to know. I do think it’s not easy for Andrew to open up about his feelings sometimes. When I got to read the stuff at his notebook I was shocked… in a good way. I never knew that’s how deep his thoughts and feelings were. About me. He’s like this male version of me and it irritates me sometimes, cause I see myself in him, and I go : “ OH MY GAWD! …that’s how irritating I am! “… Funny I found my very own “katapat”… :D

(-March 8 2004)



con’td …



But then there are those times when you feel so sick of a certain situation. You’re tired of having the same problems, tired of hearing the same things, tired of saying the same things, and tired of doing the same stuff…over and over… but there’s actually nothing to do about it.



Let’s say, for every single day of your life you hear this person talking about the same problem. Same person. And this person says nothing good about him/herself. And you get so sick of it that you start to act nonchalant. But then this person thinks that you don’t pay attention. The hell… that’s what you’ve been doing the whole time! You’ve been saying every possible thing that has to be said to make that person think and feel better about the problem and what he/she feels about him/herself. But it all goes down the drain. So I got fed up and finally decided to shut up everytime that person would talk about all the negative stuff in this world. Funny I’m not the only one who notices that. Everyone’s been asking me why this particular person acts this way. I always say I DON’T KNOW, which is true. I was even pissed when one of my guyfriends told me I’m not doing it the right way, or it’s not enough or something. Oh yeah? You try living wit that person each day of your life… you guys haven’t seen me tell all those stuff to that person. Ugh. Not that I’m complaining but you can’t blame me for feeling this way. Some even told me this person is insecure. And that this person is envious of me. I remember that person telling me that he/she feels like competing wit me. You call that a friend?



Anyways… aside from that I’ve been starting to hate the song “Negative Things”… I don’t know, it’s like everytime they play it they just look at me and they look at each other and grin. Gawd, does it always have to be about him? Everytime there’s a problem does it always have to be “my call’? … that I should always understand his side of the story? How about me? My feelings as a girl?... it’s a relationship for chrissake! Two people should work on it! The load shouldn’t always be on my shoulders. I know things have been better lately but it’s just funny that he still doesn’t know what to do. Not to compare or anything but the first time I got into a relationship I never felt CLUELESS. I guess we all have this thing called “intuition”… and “instincts”… I may not have had experience on handling a relationship back then but I never had problems like these. And I’m the girl for crying out loud!!! I know it’s not supposed to be about gender but I don’t think it’s right for me to be acting as the male most of the time. I feel like it’s my fault why his grades are getting low. On why he’s failing. It’s like I’m this huge stone that’s blocking him from his academics. It just looks like that way to me. And I know that he is tired sometimes. Whenever I would lean on his shoulder I would expect his hand on my waist. But then you know when he’s going cold on you. And you know what sucks? Is that you have a problem and he doesn’t even notice. It sucks that you’re in pain and he’s just sitting there acting normal. I can’t say this stuff to him because he never understood me. But I do think that relationships require understanding. I’ve tried explaining but I don’t think it gets to him. And I just don’t know what to do cause everyone is on his side. People keep expecting me to understand! But a girl can only take so much. The thing is, I do love him. But you can’t blame me for feeling this way. But I believe that relationships require a lot of patience, too. *sigh*… so this is how you call ‘growing’… what hurts is that sometimes he’s hard on me. Like this one time I don’t text him and he doesn’t even look for me. What hurts me is that sometimes I can’t see the effort. I can’t feel that I’m important. And they think I just see all the negative things. What hurts is that they’ve always thought of me as being sensitive… not thinking of how I really feel. How can he not understand me when he doesn’t really want to understand me in the first place? I can’t go up to him and tell him all this. He’d just keep silent and let me do all the talking. In the end, when I ask him what we should do about he’d give out a shrug and say “ I don’t know!”… it makes me cry sometimes. 3 words : work wit me! … there was even this one time when it looked like he was so sick of it that he would break up wit me.



Shit. That’s just one of the most scariest things. For the second time, I’ll be trash. And I would end up going over the same thing. Back to that same blackhole and it would eventually take me years and thousands of guys to go through before I fall in love and end up alone again. It’s cool though, it’s a never ending process wit one objective – to hurt me.

(- March 9 2004)



cont'd...



I'm sorry if I sounded sarcastic... But this one I wanna clear out. I love Andrew and I have no regrets or whatsoever. Relationships go through this stage... y'know...not all relationships are perfect at first. I know we both will survive this. I know one day he'd learn how to understand me and vice versa. We've only been together for a month and a couple of weeks anyways. There's more to come. We have to be strong.



Leah and I had another really long chat last night. We both have so much in common... we stayed up 'til 2 A.M. !!! I pray they're both okay, though...anyways...



Right now I'm wit Zee at "I-SPOT" net cafe. Word. Funny. What if I change the I to G? HEHEHEHE.... (Sorry I've become one naughty girl!!! :D )



Ugh.



And now I miss Andrew... :( ohwell....

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