WEAK.



NO, it's not what you're thinking... I told Andrew this. I've never felt like this before. :D Whenever I think of him and hug him I feel weak. That feeling when your knees go weak. Haha! :D It's so hard to explain how I feel exactly. And I just want y'all to know : I'm thankful for being dumped. :D I'm thankful for having to go through a year and 8 months of being alone. In exchange to all that...look at what I have. And I'm so happy. and so in love. All that without the pressure. That's what I love about us. Gawd. I had no idea Andrew was... ohwell. :D Maybe it's 'cause we've been spending a lot of time together at the "Secret Lover's Gate" 'til 2- 3 A.M.



God...I pray...this is it.



I love Andrew so much..... :')



Ohwell...downloading songz... it's what I've been doing for the past hour now...



Baby massaged my swollen arm!!! It looks a lot better now... :D And he's starting to adjust to everything. I can see that. :D I'm happy that we get to talk a lot now. I just pray he won't get fed up. Like most guys. But he's not like that. I've been praying for it.



MELT WITH YOU

Jason Mraz



Moving forward, using all my breath

Making love to you was never second best

I saw the world rushing all around your face

Never really knowing it was always mesh and lace



I'll stop the world and melt with you

You've seen the difference and it's getting better all the time

There's nothing you and I won't do

I'll stop the world and melt with you



Dream of better lives

The kind which never hate

Wrapped in a state of imaginary grace

I made a pilgrimage to save this human race

Never comprehending the race had long gone by



I'll stop the world and melt with you

You've seen the difference and it's getting better all the time

There's nothing you and I won't do



I'll stop the world and melt with you

The future is open wide



I'll stop the world and melt with you

I've seen some changes but it's getting better all the time



There's nothing you and I won't do

The future is open wide



Hmm Hmm Hmm Hmm Hmm Hmmm

I'll stop the world and melt with you.....




Something Eyah would post on her blog...but thanks to her, I loved the song. :D

Hi Eyah! If you ever get to read this... hehe... mwah!!! :D aliw tlga ako sayo.



...hmm.... :D



SUDDENLY

Soraya



A thousand eyes looking at me

but yours is the look that goes right

through me and i

cannot hide from your stare

should i let you in - do i dare

some other hands have tried before

but yours is the touch that makes me

want more and i

cannot hide the urgency

to have you lying here with me because



suddenly in my life

there's something that's got me

mystified and i cannot fight it but i can try

to keep the wonder of it alive



a thousand words have tried to say

but yours are the ones that'll never

fade away and i

cannot hide from their sound

i am mesmerized spinning round and round

some other hearts have tried to steal mine

but yours is the one that i now hold dear

i'll do what it takes to keep you here

i'm a selfish fool and i have no fear



suddenly in my life

there's something that's got me

mystified and i

cannot fight it but i can try

to keep the wonder of it alive



a thousand times i've tried to stay

alone by pushing you away

time after time and tear after tear

i find myself back here with you

a thousand visions have come to me

all promising serenity

and as i struggle to find the source of this peace

i always end up with your kiss



suddenly in my life

there's something that's got me

mystified and i

cannot fight it but i can try

to keep the wonder of it alive



suddenly in my life

there's something that's got me

mystified and i

cannot fight it but i can try

to keep the wonder of it alive




*thoughts about Andrew*.... KILIG!!! :D hehe...





LOCKED IN MYSELF...



I used to be. Now I'm back. I mean, my old self. She's back. Somehow the love that he showed me dug "me" out of the person I turned out to be. I'm still scared. Hell I am. But I wanna take the risk. I really wanna do. I love the feeling of loving...and being loved in return. Just the way you should be.



Baby, thanks... Ugh. I can't wait to see you on Sunday. Miss you already... :(



I'm burning you a CD as well... :D I was inspired by Eyah... :D hehehehe.... Thanks ulit Yah!!! :D

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I'm at nebo wit Camille and Baby... :D



hmm...It's been a weird week. One of the weirdest weeks of my life.



You know that feeling when you don't know what you're supposed to feel, that you can't tell what's right and what's wrong... UGH. I feel like I'm Scully...



the guys sitting next to me just played THE REASON... kewl. I love that song...



... there's nothing much to say, but I hope I get rid of this swollen part of my freakin' arm...hmm..doesn't sound right. The problems I've been encountering affected a large part of my brain. No can do bout it. Hope it functions well later. I have tons of reaction papers to do. ;S



Laterz....

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IF I AIN'T GOT YOU

Alicia Keys



Some people live for the fortune

Some people live just for the fame

Some people live for the power

Some people live just to play the game



Some people think that the physical things define what's within

And I have been there before, and that life's a bore

So full of the superficial



Chorus

Some people want it all

But I don't want nothing at all

If it ain't you baby

If I ain't got you baby

Some people want diamond rings

Some just want everything

But everthing means nothing

If I ain't got you



Some people search for a fountain

That promises forever young

Some people need three dozen roses

And that's the only way to prove you love them



Hand me the world on a silver platter

And what good would it be

With no one to share, with no one who truly cares for me





If I ain't got you with me baby

Nothing in this whole wide world don't mean a thing

If I ain't got you with me baby




:D the song that currently keeps playing on my head..



let's see...what's been going on wit me lately?...



I've had another one of those..."i wanna die" phases of my life. But this time it got worst. I had this temporary insanity that lead me to finally...nah...you don't wanna hear about it. What's important is that I'm okay now.



One of the many songs I could relate to:



THE REASON

Hoobastank



I'm not a perfect person

As many things I wish I didn't do

But I continue learning

I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know



I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you



I'm sorry that I hurt you

It's something I must live with everyday

And all the pain I put you through

I wish that I could take it all away

And be the one who catches all your tears

That's why I need you to hear



I've found a resaon for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you

And the reason is you

And the reason is you

And the reason is you



I'm not a perfect person

I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know



I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you



I've found a reason to show

A side of me you didn't know

A reason for all that I do

And the reason is you




...what's wit the songs? just feel like posting them... my choice of music is "evolving"...Gawd, just like Lancy I used ta hate rock a lot. But thanks to Zee...who made me learn how to have a space for rock in my heart. I have my Dad to thank for making me love stuff from ToTo to the Beegees. Now I am into a lot of stuff. The Rasmus, Alicia Keys, Joss Stone, yada yada...



LANCY! that is oh-so-sweet of you to actually think of getting me a Versace shirt. Just the "thought" of getting me one, really sweet of ya. :D I know he's currently enjoying his stay in Virginia due to the non-existing underwear they have there. I bet it's in style now. Can't wear one tho. Khh Khh. :D



Should I feel excited that I'm actually turning 18? Maybe i should.. cus my Mom and I agreed that I could to a Vicky Belo clinic...and to THE SPA in either Libis or the one branch that they have in ATC. SHIT, that would be sooooo cool. I can't wait. And altho there are a lot of cute phones now, like the 7200 and the Motorola magic mirror thingy...I'm faithful to the P900. It's my baby. haha! :D



DON'T TELL ME

Avril Lavigne



You held my hand

and walked me home, i know

Why you gave me that kiss,

it was something like this,

it made me go oh oh.



You wiped my tears,

got rid of all my fears,

why did you have to go?

Guess it wasn't enough,

to take up some of my love.

Guys are so hard to trust.



Did i not tell you that i'm not like that?

Girl the one who, who gives it all away.



(chorus)

Did you think that i was gonna give it up to you? (This time)

Did you think that it was something i was gonna do? (And cry)

Don't try to tell me what to do

Don't try to tell me what to say

You're better off that way



Don't think that your charm

and the fact that your arm is now around my neck

Will get you in my pants,

I'll have to kick your ass

make you never forget.



I'm gonna ask to you stop,

i thought i liked you alot,

but im really upset (really upset)

Get outta my head,

get off of my bed,

yeah thats what i said.



Did i not tell you that i'm not like that?

Girl the one who, who throws it all away.





This guilt trip that you put me on

Won't mess me up, i've done no wrong

Any thoughts of you and me have gone away





I'm better off alone, anyway..




It's my song for that person I've loved before. :D

I don't wanna explain further. :D I might be better off alone. but I'm best ta be wit Baby. :D



Gawd...life is just so...weird. But if you come to think of it, without feeling "X-files-ish" we wouldn't see the real beauty of living. Altho it could feel like we're living in deep shit...and go throu things we think we shouldn't be...oh well...it's a part of life...



I'm reading a book "Eleven Minutes" by Paulo Coelho. I've been spending some time at Starbucks in ATC reading it. But mostly I read at the dorm, tho. :D My next book is "Memoirs of a Geisha"... then I'll be buying "A purpose driven life"... :D then i'll be buying more...AAHH!!! the things that I do! A sign of maturity!!! OOHHH!!!hehehe... :D



Schul, schul...I'm enjoying my Intro to Journ class. Constructing news, learning new words...we are actually obliged to watch the news every day since we'd have a quiz on current events every day. :D It's fun. I love what I'm doing. :D





TRY STARBUCKS' LEMON PASSION ICE SHAKEN TEA! MMMM...I'm temporarily bidding Vanilla Frapp goodbye... :D Oh, and thanks to Zee...i got to taste Hubsite's French Vanilla milkshake! AAH! Craving for one now...Errr...



I want my Mommy...(Mommy means = lambing, shopping,kisses, hugs that i've missed for the longest time.... hyuk.) :D



ARRGH!!! Gotta go back to the dorms now. Can't wait ta sleep. :D



take care y'allz... :D

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I noticed that I had a lot of extra space on my notebook. I thought I could turn it into my very own “Freedom space”. In the middle of class I could just express myself. I started writing today. At the back page of my first entry I wrote my sentiments about how I’m feeling for and about Ed; and the stall.



“Devastating. As I looked at the closed stall I had flashbacks playing in my head. Like a movie without sound. Memories trace down to how a friendship started. How love started. How life started. Memories of how I would order the same dish for 5 consecutive days and how Ed and Joseph would tease me about it. That stall witnessed everything. It was where I poured all my emotions out wit Ed. Where we had fun and all that. I know that place was fun because of Ed, but I have somewhat learned how to develop some sorta love for the place. I am now sitting in one of those “kubos” in front of the stall. A man just came out and locked that small door. That door where Ed, Andrew and I would go out to every Saturday’s when we spend time there at past three. When they close everything and that’s the only door open. Now there it is. All quiet and empty. Worse, closed. And as I saw the man lock the place up, I felt a part of me was missing. I felt that a part of me was trapped in. It might just be a place. A piece of wood and cement nailed and piled up together. The tables, the walls, the chairs, the counter, the dirty kitchen…I have lived every single day of my school life going there. I’m gonna miss it big time. It’s where Ed and Joseph started talking to me. It’s where Ed and I became friends. It’s where we got to be closer. But I’m happy knowing Ed’s still there. I just don’t want Ed to feel like this because I care for him. I care for him so much. I care for him a lot. And what hurts me is that I’m just sitting here. Writing this. I wanna be there for Ed. I know I may not be much of help but I just wanna be there beside him. He’s more than just my brother. He’s all that rolled into one. My dad, my bestfriend, my adviser, my brother. He’s one of the voices in my head. People might think I’m overdoing it, or they might just think the way I act all depressed just makes things worse. I know Ed doesn’t need that but I just want him to know how I feel. I guess that’s just how I’m built. I’m just expressive. At least Ed knows how I really feel. And I just want y’all to know that Ed means a lot to me. He means a lot to me, and I don’t want him hurt.

Not my Edimund…”



As I got to the dorm I gave out a big sigh. Tied my hair up and undressed. I got my doughnuts out of the fridge and munched on my favorite. Chocolate Marble. I sat on my white stool and just wondered. I had “Goodbye Again” playing. And I was leaning onto my bed. And from there I could see the picture frame that had my picture wit Ed on it. I couldn’t even bear looking at it. I couldn’t help it, but I cried. Mixed emotions. I wanna help but I can’t. I wanna be there but he needs time.



I just feel that I owe a lot of things to Ed. My parents are far away from me, and when I’m at schul Ed IS my “wall”. I wanna say this proudly. Ed has a big responsibility of the person I will turn out to be. And I told him that. At those times I needed someone to be proud of me, Ed’s there. At those times I needed someone to “wake me up”, Ed’s there. At those times I needed someone to give me a direct and honest answer, no matter how much it hurts, Ed’s there. At those times I needed someone to understand me, Ed’s there. At those times I needed company, Ed’s there. I can be silly wit Ed. Tho sometimes thinking bout him criticizing me still scares me… :D Ed made me see things in a different way, too. Just like Zee. Now Zee is another story, but I owe a lot to him, too. Because I know…a 100% that this guy cares about me, too.





I just want Ed to know all that. I know he doesn’t really get to read my blog but at least…if ever something happens to me he knows. (what the ---- am I talking about?)…



Ed, I’m praying for you, man.



I love you, Ed!!!!!



Stay… I KNOW you will.

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I’M GOING HOLY ON THIS ONE.



So, for those of you who think that talking religious sucks, SCOOT!.



For the first time I felt like it was worth crying over a movie. And it’s not just crying, the crying that you do when you’ve seen that Sex and the City season 3 finale. It’s not the type of crying that you do when you watch “My Best Friend’s wedding”, or that scene when Josh Hartnett dies in Pearl Harbor. I meant real tears. Tears from the heart. Have you ever watched a movie that changed you? a movie that had an effect on you, but you have no idea how…I have. And it had to be The Passion of the Christ. I just feel like it’s the most powerful religious movie I’ve seen. It had it’s own way of working itself into you. This was the only religious movie that kept playing in my head over and over. And no matter how many times you’ve watched it, it’s still a guaranteed tearjerker.



I will never forget the way Mary looked at the camera the time they put Jesus down on the cross. That look on her face that kinda meant like…”This is my Son, and this is what he did for you”… and it made me wanna say, “Sorry…” because knowing what he did for us, we’re not worthy. I just don’t know how we dared to forget what HE did for us…how could we just go on wit our lives living in sin. I know, we are human beings and it is considered normal for us to sin. But to LIVE in sin?... I don’t know how could I forget how to pray at night, and when I wake up. Why can’t I lie there for a moment, appreciate living again. Seeing another day. Why can’t I take a little of my time to thank God? Why can’t I pray before I eat in public? Why can’t I wake up early to go to church every Sunday?...how could I have done all this? How could I not think of what HE did for me? How could I forget about God… How could I sometimes blame him for the bad things happening in my life? I mean, we d o question him “why”…but how dare we blame him?... have you not thought of that?



My other relatives are not as religious as I am. I mean, yeah…we do go to church together sometimes but I can’t see their interest. I was the only one interested in watching the movie. I am not the most religious person in the world but I can say I still have my faith. I still know my stand. And I still know who to run to. And I’m holding on to that forever.



I just saw a Bible on the side of my bed and I opened it. Luke 6:37 says “ Do not judge others, and God will not judge you; you do not condemn others, and God will not condemn you; forgive others, and God will forgive you.” I know its hard forgiving. As I read the verse I thought to myself that it wasn’t easy.



It’s so hard forgiving a person who had given you promises that he didn’t know how to keep. Promises that made you expect, made you believe. It’s so hard to forgive a person who broke you into pieces. It’s so hard to forgive a person you once loved. It’s hard to forget the pain they caused you. and even if we’re both happy now, I still can’t think of how he could just let me go like that, and how he could move on with his life. And find someone new. I do not know how he managed to go on with his life and be happy knowing that he hurt me. Not that I still love him, I just can’t forget all the pain that he had caused, and how it almost lead me to not having another lovelife. It almost lead me to losing Andrew. And I could not bear thinking of losing Andrew just because of my fear…my fear of getting hurt again. He was the very main reason why I always ran away from love. Why I thought I would never be able to love again.



How do I forgive? How do I forget? How do I let the pain go? When all he could say is SORRY. Sorry and not mean it? does he mean it?



It’s so great how God can just forgive us. I don’t know why I can’t forgive that person when God can forgive people who have committed bigger mistakes…sins…*sigh*…I know God understands me for this.



ATE, ANONG PANGALAN MO?



“Huh? Bakit?” - that was my reply to the two small gurls asking for my name while we were walking on procession from the corner of the church. I didn’t give them my name yet, so they ran to their other friends (who were kids, too…) and they were pointing on me. “Ang ganda nya noh?” they were mumbling. I was flattered, of course. Hearing that from children. Hehe. Not that it’s getting to my head, I just appreciate them taking their time to look and appreciate me, too. Hope you don’t get me wrong. The two girls pulled their other gurlfriends along and the taller girl asked me for my name again…”tanungin mo na kase…” the two girls forced her. And she did… “Abbie…” I said. Then they ran off screaming my name. I thought it was cute though. Another memorable moment on a Good Friday aside my crying my eyes out over The Passion of the Christ.



I remember very well back in Jeddah…children were soooo clingy! And at first I thought it was scary. Oftentimes I go “what am I gonna do with you?”…hehe. but then I started loosening up. There was this girl named “Judy”, and she would hold my hand as I sat in the benches waiting for Tito Celso. She would tell me stories, and she’d always hug me. Sweet lil girl… Ja used to think I’d make a good mother. And Loriz’s sister. That kid was really pretty. Used to talk to her a lot. I had a bestfriend who was 8 when I was 14. Jennver. And she still is my bestfriend. Laila, Ja’s sister, used to tell me a lot of stories about Ja. There’s also something about babies. Whenever I’m in church, and there’s a baby carried by his mum in front of me, I’d go “GOOGOO!”…and smile…and the baby would end up smiling..ah! cute. I guess I got that from my mum. Gawd, my mom loves babies. She volunteered teaching in a kindergarten school for free. She even babysitted once. She loves children a lot. Hehe. I miss my mom.



Ohwell…



THE END OF THE WORLD.



No stock of Evian...anywhere! Makati Supermart, Shopwise... UGH!!!! jeez... :s

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GOODBYE AGAIN.



Our songs played in Smallville for two consecutive weeks. Unbelievable. I was cleaning the room, and I was starting to pack my stuff for the dorm and I was watching Smallville at the same time. All of a sudden, another Clark and Lana scene, I hear GOODBYE AGAIN playing in the background. I was screaming and jumping like crazy then I call Ed IMMEDIATELY. I’m like, WORD!OHMYGAWD, I CANNOT BELIEVE THEY’RE ACTUALLY PLAYING YOUR SONG! IT’S YOUR SONG! And Ed was screaming on the other line, too. We were like talking at the same time and we both can’t understand what we’re both saying but we know what we’re talking about. THAT – was a moment that I won’t forget. In the middle of talking to Ed, George texted me saying that the song sounded familiar. Hehe. IT’S ED’S SONG! Was my reply. Last week they played my song : WHITE FLAG on another Clark and Lana scene. It’s so freakin’ cool. Aww. Hearing that song just made me miss Ed more. I’m listening to it right now real loud on my compo. Finally done fixing the room. WHEW.



I’ve got news. Don’t know if it’s good or bad, tho. I’ve got flabs. That’s a good sign in a way cause it means I got fatter, in a way. But does that mean…I’ll have to bid my low-rise levi’s goodbye? But I love those jeans! I could live in those jeans! I could like, wear ‘em everyday and not mind! (ew.) hehe.



Lance and I had a good talk. Fixed things up. I’m glad he’s still coming back from Virginia. I know he’s gonna be alone, but we, his friends – we could still be his family. And I’m glad to know that we’re still friends. After all.



And I finally got over my paranoia. I’m learning a lot, here. It’s not easy. But it sure is worth it. I’m learning a lot from him.



Did any of you know that Mik is actually transferring to another school? :(

My dimples can’t fight against his anymore. Yada. Only Mik and I know what that actually means. :D



I think it’s cute Zee calls me “baby sis”. Aww. It feels so good to be taken care of. *sigh* :D I’m calling him “big bro” :)



Anyways, gotta go take ANOTHER shower. Jeez. Could it be any hotter?



Oh, and…SMALLVILLE ROCKS!!!! Hehe. (and I’m still Lana….;p)

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I GO THROUGH PARANOIA

-and want him to experience it in return. Even just once.



It also feels like giving a glass full of water, and getting it back half empty. Hey, I know it’s not supposed to be that way, but you can’t help but expect a little bit of what you’re giving to be given back to you in a way.



Attack of the migraine. Not just that. So as dysmmenorhea. So far the only one who actually cares about me is Basil. Thanks, dawg. That meant a lot. :)



Hah! I beat my cousin in Tekken 4.



Anyways, I’ve been begging my Mom for her to allow me to dorm outside. At least in my senior year. She says we should talk about it when they get back home in June. I can’t wait to get that taste of FREEDOM. And finally be INDEPENDENT. Sad part is, Ed won’t be there anymore by that time. Jeez.



…I just want him to act more…caring. Or maybe I’m just being too demanding again. It’s always like that, right? *sigh*… I’m sorry. Maybe I just….. I’m not asking too much, just a little time at least. Find some time for me in that hectic sched to at least text. Ask me what’s up, how I’m doing. Or what if he does, then I do what he does and not reply? Would he worry? Would he act paranoid or something?



Maybe he’s just sick of seeing my name in his inbox every single day.



Ohwell, I’ll just care less. Not take things seriously. That’s the only solution I could think of. Maybe it’ll work. If it won’t, whatever.



ZUBAIR SAEED ZAFAR! You freak! Actually let me just say that after Zee called I felt better. He just did a minute ago. Uhm, let’s say after he scared the shit out of me? Just because I told him I was at home alone, he started scaring me! OOH…I’ll drag yo’ ass all the way from BICOL, big bro! hehehehe… take care, big bro.



Thank God for people who care.



Signing off…

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WHITE PILLOWS and PARANOIA



No reply. He’s not picking up. and I’m starting to get paranoid. Is he okay? I don’t know. I keep thinking about him since Ed texted me that his phone is off. He didn’t reply to my texts last night…ugh. Maybe I’m overreacting. It’s funny how I act so worried all the time. Scared to lose him in any way. Ohwell. I just pray he’s okay.



I’ve been sleeping, sleeping, sleeping, eating, sleeping. Hope it helps in putting weight. I can’t wait for classes to start. Get busy. Caloi wanted to watch The Passion of the Christ again. But I can’t go out now. He’s a real eating machine, makes me feel like saving at least 3thou for food. Hehe. Although it would be fun hanging out wit my kababata again. We still have a lot of catching up to do. it’s been about 10 years before we got to see each other again.



Thank God for summer classes. I don’t know how I could survive for months just doing this. And not seeing Andrew, my friends? I couldn’t survive a day not hearing from him! and he’s not even texting me! I can’t get through him…and I’m quite shy to text his mum… I don’t know what to do. UGH! okay, I’ll just calm down. Jeez.



Jay, I hope you’re doing good.



Karl, man I miss you!!!



To Basil and Gail, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! Oh, and Happy Birthday to Basil, too. :)



I wanna watch 13 going on 30 and Jersey Girl!

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