MY “I COULDN’T HELP BUT WONDER” WONDER(S).

a.k.a. My “I-might-as-well-use-my brain-so-it-wont-stop-functioning” past time.

Wonder # 1 : What if we had this life editing machine?

Sometimes I wish my life were like a movie. In movies, people who don’t know how to drive can easily pull it off because of their dire need to. Like, for example when they’re being chased by a group of appalling, cloaked men in black with guns and their only escape is to drive a car but the catch is that the main character doesn’t know how to drive, but then in less than a minute – they can drive. And catch this : they don’t die. No matter how many possibilities there are.

What's the point? I wish it was that easier in life, too. When we all could just get away with things.

Not just in this case, but oftentimes I just wished that I could take out the things I wanted to remember least.

Don’t we all?

But we all know the reality that without all the bad things happening in life, we just wouldn’t be the strong people that we are.

Anyway, it’s just a thought.

Wonder # 2 : Why is having faith so hard?

I guess because it’s Holy Week I’ve come up with another thought about Religion.

I guess it’s because I was raised being this God-fearing child and all that that I couldn’t help but wonder why is it so hard to believe.

Non-believers always have this way of questioning about so many things. They all want proof that there really IS a God, yada yada.

People say “As long as you accept God, and have faith in him…” God will always be there.

God isn’t asking for all our time, he’s not asking we go to church everyday to show how religious we are and how much faith we have in him.

God’s “requirements” isn’t as hard as the final requirement that we had to pass for our Cinematography class.

All that God asks is that we believe in him. Follow his ways. In that way, we are assured that we have a place with him when we leave this place.

Most people are afraid of death. But I guess what we really should fear is what’s gonna happen AFTER death. Where do we go?

The only thing that dies is our body. Think about it. Our soul can still experience life afterwards.

It’s not too late to believe. It’s never too late to believe.


Wonder # 3: Just how many can we take?

Serious relationships? Heartbreaks? Judgments? Bad hair days?

Just how many of these can we have before we give up? become numb?
Surrender to the thought that one day we could still be happy? With our hearts, our hair, the way we are…

Being judged by other people, that’s irritating. But if you’re used to it, it’s easy to get over. God will bless them. Bad hair days? Change of shampoo, a hair spa, a leave on conditioner. Those are the simple solutions. Serious relationships? Tip : as long as you have a feeling that it’s worth being considered as “serious”, go ahead. Along with that comes the acceptance of the consequences. Also, the hope that it lasts. It’s a 50 -50 thing - always.

…but what if that relationship you considered to be “serious” didn’t turn out to be the kind of relationship you expected? What if the happy ending simply became an ending?

What if it didn’t happen just once?

Losing a loved one is painful. Losing loved ones (I mean your lover) can be just as painful. Especially if you’ve gotten hurt over and over and over and over and over…

Sometimes, it’s not on how many relationships, heartbreaks you’ve had that makes it so painful.

It’s the people you lose.

Relationships aren’t as easy as you think they are. And I bet every other girl who’s experienced heartbreak can relate to that. Relationships are one of the biggest challenges in life.

Let me rephrase that.

Keeping relationships going – that’s one of life’s prevalent challenges.

Not that I’m being conceited and all smug about it, but I guess I’m just lucky that no matter how many times either of us has threatened a break-up, we just never gave in to that. I guess it really does take the two of you to have faith in what you have, and that you can go through things no matter how tough they are.

Because in the end you’ll realize that all you really have is each other.


Wonder # 4: Andrew and the Zsa Zsa Zsu.

Yes, Andrew. My Andrew.

Okay, this one I’m gonna be all haughty about. I know that girls who are in relationships believe that their man is THE man. So here I am, bragging about MY man.

Being the nomadic (thinker) that I am, I have this ritual before the lengthy forty winks. I leave the tube on, channel surf ‘til I get jaded, turn it off, say my prayers…and then I wander off with thoughts of Andrew.

And there I felt it, the zsa zsa zsu.

It’s funny that even if we’ve been together for more than a year now, there are times when it feels like it’s still the first time I get butterflies in my stomach, when I get kilig and all that. I love that feeling.

But when we fight, it’s like hell on earth or something.

But really. When Andrew isn’t peevish (yes he is, but it only happens when he gets really pissed off at me), he’s the sweetest guy on earth.

I’m just so thankful.

BELATED HAPPY MONTHSARY, BABY.

On the lighter side of things, my blog looks like crap and it will stay that way for a while. I'm already starting to fix it now...you'll see. Thanks to my cousin...and speaking of cousin...

And... HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY, CHI!
Wow, you're finally 18. We had "plans" of going to Eastwood ta drown ourselves with booze but...whaddya know? It's Black Saturday so... Yeah...I LOVE YOU CHI!!! Thanks for all the crazy moments we both had, I'm looking forward to a lifetime of them. You're the best cousin in the world. You're the only one keeping me sane...insane... :D MWAH!

Oh, and...

HAPPY 19th BIRTHDAY MAYA!
Where are you celebrating? Gawd I can't believe we're all grown-up now, turning 19 and all... anyways, whether you get to read this or now, let me say...before anyone ever got into my life, you were my life. And you will always be a part of my life.
I love you so much. And I miss you.

I will be going with my relatives to Bora on May. Hopefully there wouldn't me much people. (But that would be impossible, right?) I heard Bora is starting to suck but I guess Bora will always be a must-see for me.

I wanna get a tan again. I'm definitely buying a suntan lotion. Sayang Andrew won't be with us. But I guess both of us could like, go there on our 2nd. Ha ha. Just a thought.

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RANDOM THOUGHTS.

I'm sorry, I'm so full of them lately. And I've had two thoughts in my head that I thought you might wanna "hear".

NAKED WOMEN. BIG DEAL?

Are we becoming our own P.I.M.P.’s?

Cleavages. Ass Exposures. Belly buttons. Sex Positions. That nasty look on their faces. All these spell SEX.

Isn’t it our fault that most men think of women as sex toys and nothing more?

Blame it on the countless I’m-wearing-nothing-but-my-cute-‘lil-thong pictures posted all over friendster. Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating. But I’ve been browsing through so many friendster accounts out of boredom lately and see pictures of girls who are trying so hard to catch the attention of the opposite sex.

But why? For what reason? Well whatever reason it is, I just don’t see it to be…reasonable.

But what about celebrities?

Well, I guess that’s just part of their job, right? It’s included in the whole package.

And besides – THEY HAVE THE RIGHTS TO SHOW IT OFF!

I guess we really have to separate REAL women from CELEBRITIES. Not that I meant that in a bad way.

Seeing Jennifer Lopez’s picture in a thong – normal. Guys fantasize about her and she knows that.

Seeing your next door neighbor’s picture in a thong – deplorable. You might not be able to look at her in the face the next time you bump into her.

Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating again.

But you see, that’s reality. Women all around keep posting their half-naked pictures on friendster.

And you won’t even appreciate their bodies.

I don’t want to sound dire. But really, maybe all these women just have so MUCH guts in their bodies that they want to expose their bodies even if it isn’t really nice knowing that guys would respond to their… uhm… let’s just say what they’re trying to offer.

Either it’s a good f*ck or they simply just want to fantasized. Or drooled over, or talked about by guys (not to mention, men with perverted, twisted brains and which only functions when it thinks about women and sex).

They’re trying to put the spotlight on themselves through their not-so-little ways.
Oh c’mon. This is reality. Let’s face it. Why would they post such a picture in the first place?

To show-off? For us to be envious?

What is there to be envious about? If I had a body like Jennifer Lopez I would be showing it off not in the manner of baring more skin. Or rather, Ass.

You know, I know, We all know that doing such a thing, you would be branded a SLUT. As liberal as we want to be, Filipinos are still in THAT state of mind. And besides, even Americans bone when they see naked women. Regardless of the fact that they’ve seen dozens in real life. But hey, it’s not their fault is it? It’s in their nature to bone like 10 or more times a day.

So I’ve tackled like, two things here. Let’s not blame the men.

It’s US. It’s (1.) Women showing off their (2.) not-so-heavenly bodies.

But then, no matter how not-so-heavenly they all seem to be, guys still give the same response regardless of how it looks. So I guess it just works for every woman.

I just wish them the best of luck. Or the best f*ck. Ha ha.



HOW ABOUT THE NEXT ONE THAT COMES ALONG?

Oftentimes, when we’re in love with someone, we say “I’m never going to love anyone as much as I’ve loved you” … but what if you don’t end up with that person and another one comes along? Could we still say the same line? Would we still feel the same? Would the relationship and the way we feel be better, or worse?

You see, that’s the reality of loving. Sometimes, no matter if it’s your first relationship, your second, fifth, or who knows how many… there’s just this one person you can give out that line to and really mean it.

Probably we all have the ONE, we all have that ONE person who’s really meant for us.

…but I guess it doesn’t mean we’re meant to be with them forever.

Maybe, for some of us, THE ONE isn’t the person we’re gonna spend the rest of our lives with.

Or maybe, we will end up with the one, who’s really meant for us – but let the person who you truly loved slip away.

Love can be tricky. So as life. But that’s all up to us, isn’t it?

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GARAGE SALE ALA HEART EVANGELISTA.

Yes, believe it.

I just came from Barrio Fiesta's branch at Carmona, Cavite where Heart had her garage sale. Just as I was about to get down from the car I saw her ride a white CRV with her elder sister at the passenger's seat. She got in with her bestfriend, Sarah Christophers and was wearing this top that exposed her lower back. She looked very "summer-y". I didn't manage to get a picture with her but I did manage to get a picture of her cocker spaniel, AL taken with me. There was even a lipstick mark on Al's upper right ear,and her assistant explained, "hinalikan kase siya ni Heart bago siya umalis". That is so cute.

The prices ranged from 300 - 600 pesos. She had good clothes, and she also sold these pair of black Nine West shoes. Take note, they were Wedge.

And as desperate as it may sound buying second hand clothes,I was able to find clothes that Heart didn't use yet. There were still tags on them. And guess what? They fit perfectly! Hehehe. What's the difference of buying at Baguio's Ukay-Ukay, right? Thing is, these clothes were Heart's! She might not even have used some of them, but at least they're good enough that they've gotten to be hanging around in her closet.

Kudos to Heart for the idea of selling her clothes no matter how much she loved them. Ha ha. Maybe I should do that, too. But I can tell some clothes might not have been really HERS. Hmmm.

She has a lot of cool pairs of jeans. I thought this Che Guevarra jacket looked HOT. But I told myself that it's gonna take time before I get to wear those type of clothes again. But dang, I should've gotten that. Hmp.

Thanks Tito, for driving me...and Chi, for helping me pick out clothes.

Anyways, lately I've had a lot of time to think, and... if you wanna know what has been exactly going on my mind's busy streets...

“IF IGNORANCE IS BLISS…

…why search for knowledge? ”

I just realized that this was a rather TRUE quote that Ja told me over the phone once.

If Ignorance really IS bliss, why are we so hungry for knowledge? Why do we always search for answers to life’s questions. If not knowing, if trying to be nonchalant, trying to ignore makes us so happy…why tire ourselves searching for answers in the first place?

SOMETIMES DISTANCE IS WHAT WE NEED…

…to get close.

Sometimes when you’ve been with a person you’ve been going out with for a very long time, like 24/7… you just forget everything – sometimes you forget the real reason why you’re together, the traits you liked about him, why you’re with him, and how much you REALLY love him.

There were times that I’ve threatened breaking up, at times I’ve put up fights, sometimes I hurt myself, and take out all my anger… all that just to get answers.
Not knowing that sometimes, distance is the answer.

Yes, and I quote Carrie…sometimes you need distance to get close.

Because of Andrew living a thousand miles from my home, it gave me the opportunity to see and realize the things that have always been there but was too busy to see. I’ve been so paranoid and a control freak.

But I also was his spoiled byotch. He always wanted me to be happy, he always wanted to understand me, he always wanted me to feel good. And I guess sometimes I always just wanted MORE that I kept complaining about it when I really shouldn’t.

Because I really do have it…right here in front of me. I REALLY DO.

Maybe I should just have lesser expectations because Andrew really has been giving me SO much.

This isn’t an unhealthy relationship. If there’s one person that’s making it one, that’s mostly my fault. But it isn’t.

IT ISN’T.

There’s actually so much I want to tackle, probably because I’ve just had so much time to think. My brain is always floating somewhere.

At least not on somebody else’s life not like other people who, when bored find minding other’s business a very good way to kill time.

ANYWAY…

WHO ARE THE REAL STARS ANYWAY?

Just how important is EDUCATION?

We had to do this 5-15 minute short film as a final project for Cinematography, and we had it edited to THE very talented J.D.

While we were uploading the video we had just finished editing, he told us a very startling story about his friend who worked at Channel 2 when one of the artists’ personal assistant immediately made an intern (J.D.’s friend) her very own assistant by letting her wash a stained tee of “this” star whom she worked for.

Did you get that?

J.D. advised us that when she start being an intern or doing an O.J.T., we should never EVER take a job that lets us look like personal assistants. i.e., making coffee for the “big people”, or anything that falls under the job of a personal assistant.

We will be trainees for chrissake. That doesn’t include making coffee, right?

Sometimes artists will throw a fit at you and then you wonder :

Just exactly WHO are they to do something like that? Just because they’re artists, and the fact that they’re famous and have millions of fans screaming their asses off for them, that doesn’t mean they have the rights to disrespect you.
And just like J.D., who said that he did not spend more than half a million pesos to be a degree holder and end up being disrespected by an artist he works in the same network with, well…I’ll say :

Probably just because we were able to study doesn’t mean we’re in a higher position than they are. And just because they’re artists doesn’t put them in a higher position as well.

We were in school learning, living a normal life, we still make a way to be popular, we enjoy the real essence of learning, we can party and not have people talking about our behavior, we still have our privacy, the people talking behind our backs can somehow be tolerated (you can choose not to and kick their effing ugly arses for doing so to teach them a damn lesson), we can shop ‘til we drop as well but it takes time before that day comes and you have a handful of paper bags on each arm…

While artists were working their asses off, earning a living, having fun, doing things that they were best at (well some of them), and some also trying to study. Artists enjoy the attention that they get, their abilities and talents get to be noticed and appreciated, they lose their privacy but it’s somehow understood, they can shop and shop and shop and shop, and have someone to carry it for them…

YADA YADA YADA.

So in summation, I guess all I have to say is... all we have to do is learn how to respect each other. We have been in school for a reason, and they have been working their asses off for a reason as well.

But then...

IS SHOWBIZ THE LAST RESORT?

Mmm. That's another story. In terms of trying to earn money to help your family, why not try finishing school? AND THEN look for a job.

But then... people in that industry has their own reasons.

So much for random thoughts.

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FIRST COMES CHANEL,THEN COMES CHICCO.

I'm talking bags.

It's a thought that popped into my head this one time I was walking in the mall with my boyfriend in hand, with a pretty young couple in front of us. It's the usual sight of a young married couple. Either "daddy" holds the baby in his arms while "mommy" has all these baby stuff hanging on every possible body part that can. I then thought that before I get to carry around a baby bag from Chicco filled with Mothercare, Graco, Osh Kosh Bigosh and Baby Guess items, I'd like to have Fendi, Vuitton, Prada and Chanel purses clutched under my arm,on my shoulder, or on my hand.

Just one of those random thoughts.

BTW, I'm already in Laguna. Finally home after three months. Whew.

I miss Andrew.

I'm gonna be doing a LOT of bumming again - which I missed.

Andrew and I were supposed to go jogging around the oval at 6 AM today but ended up having breakfast at the square canteen where we had non-stop hugs and "I'll miss yous" and kisses.

Oh, and kudos to Britney Spears and Jennifer Lopez. They're my idols now. Britney in terms of her music and so as Jennifer but she really inspired me to work-out. It already resulted to my consistency in exercising (100 sit-ups a day, baby!)Andrew has been supporting me, too. He's my personal instructor. Haha. One day we'll both be working out under the same sweat-smelling gym.

What can I say, great abs are one of my must-haves.

Before summer classes starts I'll be working out on my blog. I promise.

DO SOMETHIN' is my song!

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AGE GAPS. WHAT THE HELL?

A lot of people attest to the fact that age does matter. Well yes it does. In terms of thinking. Older people tend to be more mature and less egoistic. Based on experience.

But what about in terms of emotions?

People who have experienced heartbreak tend to feel the same way. Regardless of age.
Girls can experience rejection from their crushes at the minor age of let's say 6, or 7. Yes, it's nothing serious but you get the point.

I don't even know why I'm saying this or what's the point of this entry. I don't even know if I'm making sense.

It's just that...maybe it's simply the fact that LOVE does have the same effect on people despite their age. So... AGE GAPS. When it comes to Love, it doesn't matter. Or rather..it doesn't exist.

Love can hurt you at 6. It can still hurt you at 60.

Mmm. It's actually just another random thought. I'm doing a Carrie here, HELOU? :)

Piss off if you don't like it. :D

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LIFE : NOT SO EFFING HILARIOUS.

How can we get to the future if our past is present? Or maybe, CAN WE?

I'm not trying to imply anything. I just LOVED this wonder Carrie had at one of SATC's epis.

You see, SATC isn't all just SEX, SEX, SEX. Just because it's SEX AND THE CITY, it doesn't mean that that's what it's ALL about.

Hmm... Denisey inspired me to tackle about movies. So I've decided to make a list of must-sees. Regardless if they were shown like, eons ago or something...


MILLION DOLLAR BABY

The trailer wasn't promising AT ALL. I thought it was "some" boxing movie ; "some" movie that shows that women can make it in the ring as well. But it turned out to be not just SOME movie. Because "some movie" turned me to tears. I was deeply touched.


CLOSER

Now this one. Someone made a review about this that there isn't one likable character but the audience can still relate to them. Which was true. The pacing of the movie was good, the editing was good, the shots were good. The story IS so unique. And I quote Denise, it makes you think about how well you can know a person without even knowing who they REALLY are. The roles were portrayed WELL (an understatement), THE BLOWER'S DAUGHTER was my LSS for like, a month.



IN GOOD COMPANY

It didn't give me the typical happy ending but it did end up HAPPY. Hmm. Sometimes, things just don't end up the way you expected it to...but it turns out to be better than what you expected. The soundtrack ROCKS.



THE AVIATOR

I don't have to explain why this is a must-see. But if you insist, I'll give you two reasons. One, because it's a Martin Scorsese flick. Two, it stars Leo Di Carpio.
(And see Gwen Stefani portray Jean Harlow!)



MY BIRTHDAY MUST-HAVES!
(I'm so damn excited)

- A M.A.C. face powder/Lipglass

- Wedge tie-up shoes from VNC

- TOPSHOP undies/tops

- MANGO top/coin purse/a new bag/specs

- MOTO/LEVI's pants

- ORIGINS pinch your cheeks

- PHILOSOPHY perfumed shampoo (I'm slowly running out of Melon
Daquiri)

- Vintage Tops from PRP/KIRIN KIRIN (and a bolero as well)

- SHU UEMURA Lip gloss

Haha. My birthday wouldn't be in 4 months. What the heck.

Anyways.... I'm fixing my blog so...Lola has got to run. :D

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TALK ABOUT ASSHOLES.

This letter made me so effing furious I wish I could fly all the way to where this motherfucker is and jam my foot right up his ass and cut his really small weener and make him suck his own d*ck by himself.

God.

His first reply after my letter:

Subject: please put me in contact with one of your ho...around your silly school
Message: I will never get these deseases bitch! fuck off..i
don't want to hear your foolish ironic words...good
luck brainless ho...you're not that different from
those who hang around your school, however i
appreciate your help to put me in contact with
those "smart girl" please give them my address:
Paul0rossi@libero.it and tell them we can make a
good deal for pics... but i'm not disperate..i'm
handsome and have a lot of girls... cool girls who
are safe and healthy...better look behind your back
when your boyfriend is cheating you...cos i'm sure
he does, even if you're a beautiful puta you're
acting as a superstar clever girl who can rule the
world and give easy expression on a business men
like me...respect my job and i respect ya! no
teasing with me babe...
you don't want money? too bad i can't see your
topless (like you use to do when you're on the
beach) but life is life..
Peace out
if GOD exists...i hope he will protect you!


I replied afterwards, and here's his letter:

Re: Look who's talking.. :)
Message: You made my anger explode little yellow monkey,
you gotta shut up! you should know who are you
talking with and the way you should talk to a
person into this business...and a good party of
filippina already accepted my contracts..
But i don't want to waste my time to talk shit to
you..i have other things to do... i hope i won't cross
you on my road again, i have enough money to buy
you, your mama and your faggot bf. you don't know
who are you messin' with!
Farewell and don't bother my again puta!!

Abbie FULL wrote:
> First of all, I'm very delighted that you've called
me
> a "beautiful puta"... You're the first who's ever
> called me that (maybe the first right to my face..)
> But I don't care what you call or think of me...
>
> And don't call me brainless...looks like you have
to
> work on your English first before calling me
> something even close to brainless. You don't
know
> who you're talking to...
>
> And in the first place I wouldn't have disrespected
> you if you didn't disrespect me. You think
Filipinas
> are all about MONEY?
>
> I told you, you picked the wrong girl.
>
> IF you are a businessman as you say you are
then
> you, of all people should know about respect.
You
> have women, and you say they're good
enough...so
> don't go around the net looking for chicas.
>
> And I'm not the one who "teased".
>
> And I'm lucky to have a boyfriend who knows
how
> to keep his dick in his pants.
>
> GOD DOES EXIST. But I'm praying it's YOU he
> protects.
>
> GOD BLESS YOU.
>
> p.s. No smart girl would ever trade her pictures
for
> money. You should know that. You're the one
who
> has a "position" in the business industry
anyway. If
> you really are...I'm starting to believe that you're
an
> impostor.
>
> Don't reply to this message.
>
> You can just burn in hell.
>


And here's what he said after my reply:

NO WORDS..NO MORE!!
Message: FUCK OFF YOU STUPID BITCH!!!
YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE BRAINLESS YELLOW
MONKEY...BUT I NEVER SUPPPOSE YOU
WERE SO RETARDED THAT YOU CAN'T READ
WHAT I WROTE! DON'T WRITE ME ANYMORE! I
DON'T WANT TO LOOSE MY TIME WITH YOU,
YOU'RE AN IDIOT APE AND BE SURE THAT THE
REAL FAGGOT IS THE NERD WHO'S WITH YOU,
YOU'RE BRAINLESS AND STUPID, REALLY
RETARDED..
YOU'RE A SON OF A BITCH SO MAKE SURE
THAT YOU DON'T HAVE AIDS SINCE YOUR
MOTHER HAS FUCKED THE HOLE MONKEY
ISLAND BEFORE DELIVERING YOU...IT'S A
GENETIC FACT THAT YOUR MAMA WAS A
PIECE OF SHIT AND YOU'RE THE SAME, YOU
BETTER SHUT UP YOUR FUCKIN' MOUTH,
DOESN'T YOUR MUM TEACHED YOU HOW TO
BLOW YOUR DADDY? PUT A BIG COCK INTO
YOUR MOUTH SO YOU'LL STOP SCREAMING
ALL THESE BULLSHIT!
YOU MAKE THE WRONG PRAYER, YOU
DESERVE TO BE A SLAVE...YOU AND ALL
YOUR MONKEY FAMILY...TELL ME HOW MUCH
DOES IT COST TO BUY THEM ALL AND I'LL
HAVE FUN LAUGHTING SEEING YOU APES
DANCING IN FRONT OF ME FOR SOME
PEANUTS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE HUMAN RIGHTS....COS
YOU'RE JUST ANIMALS...YOU ARE
MONKEY..YELLOW MONKEYS THAT LIVE ON A
TREE!
I'M NOT AN IMPOSTOR, BUT PLEASE PRAY
YOUR GOD YOU'LL NEVER MEET ME IN YOUR
LIFE BECAUSE NOW YOU MADE MY ANGER
EXPLODE AND IF I'LL MEET YOU AND YOUR
FAMILY ON MY PATH, BE SURE I'LL DO
EVERYTHING I CAN AND I'LL USE ALL MY
FINANCIAL POWER TO COLLAPSE YOU AND
YOUR FAMILY
it's not good when you encounter italian mafia in
front of you..isn't it bitch? pray your god that your
and your mother life will be long and joyfull...as
long as you'll cross my road...

THAT'S THE END....



Someone tell me what to do...

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