Me in my most bloodcurdling state.If I hadn't trimmed my fingernails the other day, I could've been biting them right now, in between typing this entry.
Four days ago, I was euphoric, confident and determined. So I did it. I took that step. One step that could change my life forever.
I never understood why we always find ourselves to be digging this deep rut and jumping in it when it came to fulfilling our dreams and passions. Why are we always so scared shitless to do something we're good at, something we believe we were born to do, something we've always been dreaming of since we first thought of what we'd want to be when we're at least 5 feet tall?
This is Abbie in her most vulnerable.
I mean, sometimes I just get this nerve-racking feeling whenever I think about what I did four days ago. And thinking about rejection (God, no) from a panel of editors (as judges), I get so...anxious. But hey, haven't we all had our share of rejections? Besides, Elvis Presley (God bless him) have been rejected a few times right before that morning came and boom! He was the King of Rock'n'Roll.
I guess...just...never give up, Abbie. Never give up.
Why is it, that when someone stabs me in the back, I always opt for leaving the knife bashed through my skin, rather than pulling it out?
Also, why do I find it so hard to believe in myself? Thinking that if I do get there, they're all going to think of me as some poser. That I'm not what I am.
Sometimes, when people tell me that I'm ugly, stupid, that I look like a hanger or a walking bamboo stick, that they deserve my boyfriend more than I do...instead of walking tall with my chin up high, I have this tendency to just surrender. I bow my head and start to believe them.
This isn't good. This won't do me any good. I know me better. And I should know (above all people) that I want to do this, and that I shouldn't let anyone get in the way.
My God. I've been wanting to do this my whole life. And I already took that step. I pray it takes me somewhere. So many people love me and have faith in me. Isn't that enough? Why do I find it so hard believing in what they say, thinking that they just want to be nice, or encourage me or something? And that everytime I look in the mirror I'm just scared that they won't accept me, that I won't fit in. That even when it came to the one thing I've always wanted to do, I get judged. That I am just never enough for anything.
As my friend, you can do one thing: Pray for me.
I mean, friends are great to have, especially in times like these. But God knows what to do. God knows me, God knows that I've been wanting this. That's a given. He WILL help.
Promise me, you guys. No matter what happens, you'll still think of me that way. The last thing I need is losing respect from the people I love the most. Just help me get through this.
Hopefully, when I open my eyes later, this will all be gone. And I'll feel as euphoric, as confident and as determined as I was four days ago. Come to think of it. I finally did it. I took that teeny little step. And it should mean a lot. I should be happy, duh.
Yeah! Duh, Abbie! What are you nitpicking about then, huh? Jeez.