I was walking by the kubo full of Nursing students when one of them said "Ano yun? Ah Anorexia!" out loud. JUST as I was passing by. It might have been coincidence but if almost everyone there was looking right at you, well then...its totally not.

You're kidding, right? Okay, I might be stick thin and a size 6 but that doesn't make me have Anorexia, or worms in my stomach for that matter.
No f*cking way! Well, I guess you should see me eat then.

Oh maybe I should feel flattered because that puts me in the likes of Mischa Barton and Chesca Garcia who both have been said to have Anorexia. But both said that that's just how they're built.

Sure, I eat a lot of carbs and I barely watch what I eat but it just never happened, me getting fat. You should have seen my aunts and my Mom before they got married and had kids.

Jeez, man. You have no idea how bad I've been wanting to get fat. But, I'm just glad how I am. I think of it as a blessing. Hah.


Remember how bad I felt after not being able to salivate AND shop at Zara? Since I'm really low on budget right now, I relived my Baguio days and went...

Yes, you guessed it right!

OMG, I totally forgot how good it felt like to spend 300 bucks and get a total of 10 tops! I have already found my "suki" and I've shopped for two consecutive days. Nothing beats thrift shopping. And you know what I scored?

Aside from all the cool OC-ish tops, I scored a vest. And its not JUST a vest. Its Emporio Armani! Not to brag or anything but I have an eye for all the rip-offs out there, and this baby IS NOT a fake. Its an original Armani vest, and I got it for 25 bucks! It doesn't look like it was slightly used too. Now all I need are a pair of Moto skinny jeans. And flats. And a waisted belt.

Oh, and I already bought the third season of The OC. Its not complete yet, though. Jed is so right.
And I guess I was wrong about it though. The first few episodes were horrible but now its starting to make sense again. In a really bad way. Its just...Why?
Why can't Ryan and Marissa BE together? I mean, all they have to do is COMMUNICATE! They could've worked things out. I wish people just didn't keep coming and coming and coming. But I'm really proud of Seth and Summer, though. They're the only ones who actually make Season 3 worth watching. Marissa is starting to get on my nerves. And so as Ryan.

I totally love their theme song though.

.."Forever young, I wanna be forever young.... do you really wanna live forever, forever..."

Wait, this is a revival, right? From that Mel Gibson movie, Forever Young?


My photos in the April issue of Seventeen weren't published because Tata said they had to change the line-up last minute. Its fine with me. Besides I still have another issue to look up to (every issue is, but its a hundred times more exciting this time). Plus it was fun hanging out with the gang, and getting to know Corrinne and Sara.

Oh, and my Mom sent me a pair of uber cool Nine West boots. I couldn't wait until Summer is over so I can use it ( I want a pair of pink Ugg boots too! ). But I still want to keep my tan. So I'm guessing I might have to go to Belo for that. Or I could get the Shiseido self-tanning lotion. Then maybe I could compare which is better between that and the ModelCo's tan airbrush in a can (in which the scent totally reminds me of the beach).


There's so much to do, it makes me want to take a big nap.
Or...maybe I could just watch Silent Hill. Then I wouldn't be able to sleep. I wouldn't have any other choice but to do something productive out of my last summer in school.

Hey its a good idea, right?

I totally look around the entire dorm all the time before I close my eyes. I always check my back, and the foot of the bed almost ten times. A hundred everytime I watch a scary movie. Then I take my sleeping pills just so I won't wake up at 3 AM and freak out.

Paranoid much? Lol.

I typed this offline, and I am currently in b_connected in Alabang, posting this entry. Just saw Silent Hill, the film can be creepy and at the same time its confusing. Kinda weird. Hmm. But its that type of film that you couldn't not think about. Or maybe that's just me.

We were going to watch WHEN A STRANGER CALLS but I swear, after reading Lucy's review, I decided not to. Lucy, gimme a pat on the shoulder for not trying.

So that's it.


"Come pick me up, take me out..."

Yes, Ryan Adams couldn't have said it better.

I was browsing through Multiply, and noticed how everyone was having one heck of a summer vacay.

Bubbles went to Bora. Shar went to Bora. Ed went to Cebu. Chucky went to China. George went to Manila Bay. Essy is going to Bora. Jed is in Bora. Badge went to Cebu.

Everyone's out there. They have like...all these photos to upload. It's so depressing. I just want to get away from the civilization and just get stranded on one island for like... a month! No, not like LOST but like... THE BEACH.

Yeah. The Beach. I watched it over and over and it made me want to look like Virginie Ledoyen. I wish I was French. LOL.

I really want to get my portfolio photos taken. Hmm. And I'd really love if Ronnie Salvacion would do it. I'd love to work with him again.

I'm actually bothered by a couple of things.

One, is that I couldn't get out of the "Dahara Stage" in Prince of Persia. I felt so mad I even thought of throwing my PSP out of the window. But I'm not that crazy. I love the new addition to my madness.

Two, I don't know what to do with my hair. Have another perm? Get it rebonded?

Three, I'm a part of something and I don't know if I should be. Or if I could. I know it could hurt the people who believed in me in the first place if I push through, even if they don't say so. Plus, if I were to pick, I'd still go for the people who put me in this industry.

Oh well.

Oh hey, I saw Roldan in FHM the other day. I checked his friendster account and I found out he hangs out with the likes of Rissa, Robby, Val... He goes to Finland.... yada-yada-yada. Looks like success is coming for you, Big Bro! He deserves it.

Arianna! Damn, woman! You have tons of posers!

Okay. I'm done getting "The Prince of Persia: Revelations Walkthrough".
All this for a game, eh?



I did what?


Don't hate me for saying this, DOTA freaks. But I have never, my life saw myself playing DOTA. Whenever I think about it, Charlotte takes over me and I say..."Ick. So not tasteful." Every person in the planet plays DOTA, especially the tambays with bulging tummies.

Okay. That's too mean. But it's true right? I would rather curl up somewhere and stick my nose on my PSP's screen.

Oh yes, I forgot to mention that. My PSP finally arrived. Louie and I didn't swap anymore. Even when I saw Jocelyn Oxlade holding one in this month's ish of T3 (and she looks REALLY hot, by the way).

Ate Maricar and I were texting last night, when she told me that Chinggay read my previous blog and probably saw that entry I wrote about her, she printed it pa daw. Chinggay, you're the sweetest! I miss seeing you and Bobby play around.

Which actually reminded me of Bobby inviting me to go to Baguio nung Holy Week. And Beau too! But Beau was in Pampanga...or Pimpanga should I say. Haha.
Gah. I miss everyone.

Oh, and you want to hear something irritating?

Okay,so you have a pair of really pretty, pink, Swarovski drop earrings given to you by a friend for your 18th birthday... and then the other crystal drops off. You have no choice but to GLUE it back.

And now.... the other one doesn't really... sparkle that much.

But it's still gorgeous. Haha.

So there. I can't think of much to say. Geehee.

Oh and... DOTA...was okay. Pretty addicting. But NO.
Hell no.


Just take my word for it.

NEVER....EVER WINDOW SHOP IN ZARA. It can kill you. I salivated there yesterday, good thing I didn't pass out.
I didn't even know what I was thinking, going there with only a thousand pesos in my wallet. Grr.

If only there weren't people around I would totally go Carrie on it. Like that time she was in the Vogue "wear"house.

"It's too good! It's too good!"

Haha. Okay. I found another shopping haven. Best part is, they opened one in Glorietta. Wee. You know what this means.

Yes, I was on Breakfast yesterday. What's really cool is that one of ABS-CBN's crew cabs went all the way to Dasma at 4 AM to pick me up. Imagine my excitement when I saw one parked outside the school waiting for me. They wanted to drop me off after the show but I had things to do there, so... I decided to go to to Makati after.

If there was one flaw about yesterday's guesting, was that the pants they made me wear were...way too lose and I knew I looked silly wearing my Nine West Maryjanes with it because it totally DID NOT go with the outfit. Geesh.

Tabs saw me on TV but he said I made him crack up because I looked really serious. When the camera was focused on me, I made faces. I really wasn't comfortable standing up there, knowing that my outfit was all wrong. So tragic.

But as soon as I got back to the chair seated next to Wacky Valdes, I got back to my senses. In guestings like these, Kris is the first thing that comes to mind. She's always been so proud of how I handled things. I thought I should just dust it off and start being myself again. So I did. It was too a wee bit too late for that though, but I'm glad I didn't frown all the way to the end of the gap.

I SO miss Pangasinan. It just feels great that I've bonded with Andrew's family. Its like I fell in love with them. When I'm with his sibs, there was never a dull moment, except when we're asleep. And it never seemed like they had a problem in life. And you know how good that feels, to be around these type of people. And the best part is they treated me like family.

That's why I cried when I left. Haha.

I'll give the full details and kwento when I get to post the pictures in Multiply, but that would take a while.
I'm stealing photos from Andrew too.

Tita invited me to go back in December, spend Christmas and New Year there. My Mom didn't see anything wrong with it, and I hope that pushes through. I couldn't wait 'til I get back.

....Sometimes I still think about Auntie. Caloi told me he went home one night, and just as he opened the door he went, "Lola Equit I'm...."

He always says "I'm home" because Auntie would always be there just as he opens the door.

And then he realized what he just said and he goes "Sh*t."

Its really hard adjusting. This one time, when I was at Caloi's in Urdaneta I was like, "Where's Auntie?" And I would just slap myself.

Oh well.

Hey. Vote for Chesca Sumilang. She's part of the second batch of Seventeen's Favorite Model Search. I'm so glad she joined and became a part of the finalists.
Hey Ches! You rock! *wink*

Sharon and I were like talking about it last week, and we were like, "Hey! let's join again!"

I was planning on organizing a date with the girls probably next May. Claude, Cham, Essy, Sharon and Saab were game. I wonder if Yen's going, too. I miss that girl. We've bumped into each other a few times in Alabang, and Essy I met up with in Shangri-la the other day. She was with Robi, her hot boyfriend. He seems fun, and he's really sweet, so I can tell Essy's happy. I can tell this couple is going to last.

I miss you girls na! I miss Saab!

Hmm. I can't think of a nice way to end this entry. No quotable quotes. No humor. No. Nothing.

Hmm.Can't believe I just said quotable quotes.


It's actually kind of funny.

Someone tried to HACK into my Multiply account, requesting for my password. If this person isn't stupid enough... he/she'd know that whenever you request to retrieve your password, you can only get that from your e-mail.

Tss. People nowadays. Looks like they didn't do their homework during the Holy Week.

I just got back from Pangasinan today with Andrew, and believe me, I didn't want to leave.

You guys hafta hear it.

Next time though.


People always leave.


Not my words, but my thought. People DO leave - whether they want to or not. And both hurts just the same.

When you think about it, people leave you because they want to. Whether its leaving for good, leaving you for someone else, committing suicide, leaving for another country... the thought just hurts. Especially if its someone you've known your entire life. Family, especially. Like if one of your parents leave you... Even if its someone you're not related to by blood, but someone you're really connected to. Like your boyfriend, when you've given him your everything. Heart, mind, body, soul... and leaves you just like that... that would hurt too right? Especially when all these people had and made the choice to do so.

How about people who didn't want to leave? Like leaving because they had no other choice, leaving even if they didn't want to but had to... and death. It hurts because they didn't want to leave you, but for some reason they did. They do.Whether they left for good, left for awhile, left to buy the groceries, left to watch a movie without you... its like...there's always a part of them you miss in one moment you didn't spend with them.

My grandmother's sister passed today. Its also Palm Sunday.

A close friend of mine seems to be ignoring me.

Both people mean a lot to me.

The other one I've known since birth. The other one felt like I've known since birth.
When two people closest to your heart leave you, one who chose to and one who didn't, you seem to feel pretty... confused.

I don't know how to feel exactly.

This close friend of mine started ignoring me again last week, after building a really good friendship with him. We've been so open to each other that we know a lot of things most people don't about ourselves... we've become really comfortable with each other. We've become so open with each other, and its hard to find someone who you can really trust with your whole heart.

It was Auntie Equit's birthday yesterday. I didn't even greet her. Today, Caloi has been calling me non-stop, and I was asleep. I knew he wouldn't call me at 8 in the morning if it was for nothing. I didn't answer the first two calls. Then I texted him, and he called up again. I didn't have any other choice but to pick up. I already knew what it was. I knew there was something wrong, I was just to sleepy to notice, or to admit that to myself.

"Did you hear?"

"About what?"


"Why, what happened?"

"She passed this morning."


"I'm sorry."

"What happened?"

"She didn't wake up."

...I'm closest to my relatives in my mother's side. I was born in Muntinlupa, and spent the first five years of my life in Laguna, with my mother's parents (who happen to spoil me a lot). Auntie Equit, as we all call her. But she was happy. Caloi's mom was one of the people Auntie was working with. When we were little kids, Auntie would tag Caloi along whenever she paid us a visit - that's where Caloi and I started to become best friends. We're really close, and we still hang-out whenever we have the chance to.

When Caloi told me about it, he was really sad. I figured he would be way closer to me than I ever was to Auntie since he's the one living with her. She has been taking care of him since birth, and with what's happened I know how bad he feels.

Auntie never failed to forget occassions. She'd always give us presents. Christmas, New Year, Birthdays....

I'm going to miss hearing her voice. I'm going to miss how she says "Mmm...". I'm going to miss what she smells like. I'm going to miss her being proud of me. I'm going to miss seeing her handwritting on the gift cards on the presents she gives. I'm going to miss her.

I feel so guilty that after she was hospitalized all I ever did was ask Mama (my grandmum) how she was doing. When Mama said she was already fine, I didn't even bother to ask her how she was doing. "Where did it hurt Auntie?...does it feel better now?"... How can I forget Auntie...when she never forgot me? How can I take time for granted? Why did I forget it was her birthday yesterday? How could I?

I hope Auntie had a great time yesterday...
I'm so sorry Auntie...

The last time I dealt with losing someone like this was when my Grandad died.
We were on our way to visit him, we were going to surprise him. He was dealing with lung cancer and he said he wanted to see us. My Mum thought it would be a good idea to fly from Palawan to Manila that day so we could cheer him up.

But he couldn't wait any more.
Our flight to Manila was delayed and we were in the airport when Joanne went back to the airport a few minutes after dropping us off.
I remember it clearly, I was tapping my feet on the floor because I was so anxious to get to the plane. Kuya Coco showed up ( Joanne's boyfriend, now her husband), we looked up to him and he said that Joanne was in the car outside and that she wanted to talk to us.

My mom and I rushed out. From the door, we could see Joanne from inside the car. She was all red from crying.
I knew what was going on.
When my Mom opened the car door she was shaking Joanne asking what was wrong.

"Ate, wala na si Papa."

My mom screamed. She nearly fainted. I cried one tear. One tiny tear.
I couldn't believe it. But we were on our way, we could've been there in two hours, why didn't he wait for us?
That was all I could think of.

My grandad was the one who spoiled me the most. Me and my cousin, Chi. He called me his Maldita and Chi his Angel. Sometimes he'd put both of us in his lap and say Junee-Coy and Chi Chi-Coy. He never came home from work without pasalubong.
He would always be the one who wants to see me during summer. So he'd always pay for my tickets from Palawan to Manila.

I never really blamed God for taking them away. For some reason, my Mom would always teach me to be thankful that they no longer would suffer. But sometimes its just painful day they're there. The next they're not.

Until now, it never really got to me, that this is how life really went. One day, the people you love can no longer open their eyes. That may be the last time you see them wearing that dress. Hearing them laugh. Seeing them walking around. Sometimes it would make you wish you knew it was coming just so... just so.

God will take them away for a reason, whether we like it or not.

I'm pretty worried about Mama. Auntie is the last sibling she has. They would always talk on the phone, they'd tell each other stuff, just like they were teenagers. But not about gossip though. About their lives. I'm sure Mama is going through some tough time right now.

My Mom was asleep when I told her. She cried just as I said "Gone". I wish I was there right now. Comforting everyone. I wish I was everywhere. I wish I could do something about it.

There is always God to turn to.

....But how about this one friend who always listened to you, and made you feel comfortable, who made you laugh... who said he wouldn't leave?

Where is he? I hope he didn't leave. I hope he doesn't want to. Because this is one person I don't want to lose, too. He saved me from a lot of things. He made me... happy.

I need him right now. I hope he forgets all his reasons of ignoring me for this.

I guess... all I'm trying to say is...

Don't take them for granted. You can never tell.


We've lost someone really dear to us. And as much as I want to stay calm, all I ever did was force myself to take things easy. calmly.

But it's not that simple.

All I ever did was give out fake smiles, and fake laughs. Trying so hard to conceal how I really feel.

Even if there are times when I laughed out loud or smiled at friends, it would only happen for a second. And then its back to reality.

My close friend has come back to me. He's here again. He's always there when I'm sad. Rarely there when I'm okay. But he makes me happy too. That's why I'm thankful for him.

Thank God he's back.

I still couldn't believe it. Everytime I look in the casket all I could think of is.."Is this really happening? Is that really Auntie inside?"....

...Last night, Caloi and I held hands and looked at her for the first time. His hand just held on tighter and tighter by the minute.

This is hard. One of the hardest.



I remember hearing their song MAYBE (I just found out about the title right now) on MTV once and the song just kept playing in my head. I was always wondering on what title of the song was and who sang it. It was until I saw Seventeen's April issue, when almost all the bands, ranging from Pupil to Rivermaya included this band on their list of faves that persuaded me to get a CD, and so I did. I didn't skip a track since it played on my compo. I think this CD would be staying in (repeat mode of course) for a little while. This is totally my type of music. I also bought albums of The Clash and Shiela and the Insects.

I finally got my hands on the latest Preview ish, and I tell you, it never fails me. Preview is like THE best fashion magazine ever. I'd say it's even better than the international magazines in stores. Preview is the best. I love everything about it. The lay-out and the photos - Ooooh the photos. The photos aren't just photos. They're like stories told in stills. I love that it's so tasteful, and they don't just feature high-end products, which makes you think that not everything has to have Prada or Louis Vuitton written all over it. It also made me recognize local designers. I already became an Ivarluski Aseron and Louis Claparols fan. Preview also taught me how to have my own style, that everything isn't about trends but putting pieces together, whether they're old or new. Preview itself is a trend (and I would say the same for F. Too bad they won't be airing anymore...)There is no OTHER magazine like Preview. I remember Carrie Bradshaw once said that even when she was broke, she'd choose Vogue over food, because it made her feel like it fed her more. I'd say those were my words too. Just take the word Vogue out and put Preview in it. No offense though, I am a fan of Vogue, but I'm a bigger fan of Preview.

Oh, and kudos to Zsa Zsa Padilla. Nice. I'd say, "Hot Momma!". She looks great. Everyone on the cover of Preview would look great. Hell, even Pokwang would look great in the cover.

I always dreamt of posing for Preview and continue to get to work with all these great people. I can actually picture it out - its like when one of the editors call or text you and ask you "Hey, are you available for a shoot this weekend? It's for Preview...." It'll totally look like a Miss Universe pageant and I had just been crowned as the winner. I would totally be fanning myself and the tears would be falling down my cheeks.

"Yes! Yes, yes, yes!..."

I'm still dreaming about it though. And no, its totally not shallow! Not for me, and not for any model. Probably top models are used to it but then... I'm not in that stage yet. I'm praying for it though, because this is really what I want to be.


Summer is really boring me, Fendi has a new bag out for the summer (The Fendi B Bag), but I'm still crazy over the Spy. Totally.

Lance get me one. Its only $2270. I bet you can afford it. If not, maybe Jay can. I hear the man whore business out there is doing pretty good. LOL. I miss you guys. And as I would always say...send me some love from Louis... Gianni... Giorgio...Christian...Dolce, perhaps? Any one would do. Haha.

I'm planning to get PUT ON YOUR PEARLS, GIRLS! In my list of books to read, aside from The Jesus Papers. Which I found really controversial.

Oh...the summer heat...leaves me with two thoughts:

1.) Get a Lacoste Pique shirt and
2.) Get all my whites out of the closet...and use them to death.

I wonder how the first one got into my head. Oh well. It just did.

Okay, since I'm reallllly bored...I'm making a list of things I MIGHT get...for the first semester:

1.) Platform shoes
2.) Earrings from Color Stones (I love their stuff)
3.) Make-up:
T.Le.Clerc Loose Powder
Laura Mercier two way concealer / Cinema Secrets (I'm still thinking on which)
Nars blush (in Orgasm)
Guerlain Lip Gloss
Philosophy Lip and Cheek stain
Maybelline Great Lash Mascara
4.) Tigi Bed Head Hair Serum (smells reallllly good)
5.) A new wallet ( Gawd, my MNG wallet is falling apart after two years of stuffing everything into it)
6.) A new bag as well...(enough of MNG bags. They're everywhere).
7.) Thornby Sandals ( I don't care if they're "so yesterday") or maybe something from Hotwind
8.) Stuff from Zara, MNG and TopShop. Depending on the budget. Haha.
9.) Abs.
10.) Bigger Hips.
11.) Bigger Thighs.
12.) Fatter.
13.) My hair done...again.
14.) L'occitaine Olive Body Scrub
15.) Another can of ModelCo's Airbrush Tan in a Can ( I love the scent too. Plus I'm improving on applying it. Haha)
16.) Undies.
17.) A pair of low-rise skinny jeans from Moto or Levi's.

Oh well. I told you, Summer has this certain effect on me.

Darn it.


Oh, Bummer Summer. PLEASE.

Have mercy on me, I beg of you.... *weeps*

Okay. So this is how it goes... I, have just gone from Shopaholic rehab. But as soon as I get out I want to go back to my spend-all self again, with my Mom shouting in my ears.


I kinda got used to it, I tell you.

I remember when I was a froshie, I would spend everything on Lipgloss. I'd go to Beauty Bar in U in Alabang and Essenses in Makati to buy each and every kind of Lip Gloss there is. Nars, Philosophy, M.A.C. has been a favorite because they're so cheap and I love RB, RB rocks. Clinique, Lancome,and all that. I was just 16.

Then I'd spend on magazines. Cosmogirl, Ellegirl, Teenvogue in a snap of a finger.

Then earrings.

Then the habit would just NEVER go away.

Everytime I went to Makati I always made sure I had something on my ARMS when I get back home. And I would find myself wandering in Topshop THEN Mango, and not think twice about getting something and knowing what consequence I would be paying later. At least my Mom COULD NOT literally KICK my ass. hah! Love you Mom.

Whenever she comes home though, I WOULD SURELY go on a uber shopping spree. Its like...being in heaven for a while. PLUS my Mom is with me so...its fun. Really fun. And I love how she says ENOUGH but still end up buying something? The hush puppy eyes always work. At least for me!

Recently I stopped shopping. NO, not TOTALLY shopping...but...spend-all shopping. Like, Ten Thousand pesos shopping. Its been depressing but I had to. I had to learn how to really value money.

...I guess.

The summer makes me want to go out and SPEND, SPEND, SPEND.

I miss Greenbelt. Geesh.

This is why my Mom would always tell me that she would give me a credit card...only if it wasn't suicide for her.


But I love having the balance of not spending at all. Because it teaches you a lot of things.


At least I've learned how to control myself.I mean, I don't really go to high-end stores like PRADA (I will, someday!) but whenever I go to TopShop and Mango, and Zara and them...they're...just...too good to pass up.

Ohhhh well. I know one day I'll be able to walk around the mall with my arms almost breaking again.

SOON. Huh!

That's how life is, people. Sometimes... you have to close your eyes whenever you pass by your favorite stores. Because if you don't...It's torture.



Five days of Animal Planet.

And I still couldn't get enough. I wish our cable had Animal Planet. I could really tune in to it forever.

Anyways... I'm glad I finally got the tan that I wanted.


I gotta get a new Topshop tank. Something to match my QUACKERS boy-briefs. Haha.

Oh well.

Gotta hit the sack.