People always leave.

(YESTERDAY'S ENTRY)

Not my words, but my thought. People DO leave - whether they want to or not. And both hurts just the same.

When you think about it, people leave you because they want to. Whether its leaving for good, leaving you for someone else, committing suicide, leaving for another country... the thought just hurts. Especially if its someone you've known your entire life. Family, especially. Like if one of your parents leave you... Even if its someone you're not related to by blood, but someone you're really connected to. Like your boyfriend, when you've given him your everything. Heart, mind, body, soul... and leaves you just like that... that would hurt too right? Especially when all these people had and made the choice to do so.

How about people who didn't want to leave? Like leaving because they had no other choice, leaving even if they didn't want to but had to... and death. It hurts because they didn't want to leave you, but for some reason they did. They do.Whether they left for good, left for awhile, left to buy the groceries, left to watch a movie without you... its like...there's always a part of them you miss in one moment you didn't spend with them.

My grandmother's sister passed today. Its also Palm Sunday.

A close friend of mine seems to be ignoring me.

Both people mean a lot to me.

The other one I've known since birth. The other one felt like I've known since birth.
When two people closest to your heart leave you, one who chose to and one who didn't, you seem to feel pretty... confused.

I don't know how to feel exactly.

This close friend of mine started ignoring me again last week, after building a really good friendship with him. We've been so open to each other that we know a lot of things most people don't about ourselves... we've become really comfortable with each other. We've become so open with each other, and its hard to find someone who you can really trust with your whole heart.

It was Auntie Equit's birthday yesterday. I didn't even greet her. Today, Caloi has been calling me non-stop, and I was asleep. I knew he wouldn't call me at 8 in the morning if it was for nothing. I didn't answer the first two calls. Then I texted him, and he called up again. I didn't have any other choice but to pick up. I already knew what it was. I knew there was something wrong, I was just to sleepy to notice, or to admit that to myself.

"Did you hear?"

"About what?"

"Auntie."

"Why, what happened?"

"She passed this morning."

"No."

"I'm sorry."

"What happened?"

"She didn't wake up."

...I'm closest to my relatives in my mother's side. I was born in Muntinlupa, and spent the first five years of my life in Laguna, with my mother's parents (who happen to spoil me a lot). Auntie Equit, as we all call her. But she was happy. Caloi's mom was one of the people Auntie was working with. When we were little kids, Auntie would tag Caloi along whenever she paid us a visit - that's where Caloi and I started to become best friends. We're really close, and we still hang-out whenever we have the chance to.

When Caloi told me about it, he was really sad. I figured he would be way closer to me than I ever was to Auntie since he's the one living with her. She has been taking care of him since birth, and with what's happened I know how bad he feels.

Auntie never failed to forget occassions. She'd always give us presents. Christmas, New Year, Birthdays....

I'm going to miss hearing her voice. I'm going to miss how she says "Mmm...". I'm going to miss what she smells like. I'm going to miss her being proud of me. I'm going to miss seeing her handwritting on the gift cards on the presents she gives. I'm going to miss her.

I feel so guilty that after she was hospitalized all I ever did was ask Mama (my grandmum) how she was doing. When Mama said she was already fine, I didn't even bother to ask her how she was doing. "Where did it hurt Auntie?...does it feel better now?"... How can I forget Auntie...when she never forgot me? How can I take time for granted? Why did I forget it was her birthday yesterday? How could I?

I hope Auntie had a great time yesterday...
I'm so sorry Auntie...

The last time I dealt with losing someone like this was when my Grandad died.
We were on our way to visit him, we were going to surprise him. He was dealing with lung cancer and he said he wanted to see us. My Mum thought it would be a good idea to fly from Palawan to Manila that day so we could cheer him up.

But he couldn't wait any more.
Our flight to Manila was delayed and we were in the airport when Joanne went back to the airport a few minutes after dropping us off.
I remember it clearly, I was tapping my feet on the floor because I was so anxious to get to the plane. Kuya Coco showed up ( Joanne's boyfriend, now her husband), we looked up to him and he said that Joanne was in the car outside and that she wanted to talk to us.

My mom and I rushed out. From the door, we could see Joanne from inside the car. She was all red from crying.
I knew what was going on.
When my Mom opened the car door she was shaking Joanne asking what was wrong.

"Ate, wala na si Papa."

My mom screamed. She nearly fainted. I cried one tear. One tiny tear.
I couldn't believe it. But we were on our way, we could've been there in two hours, why didn't he wait for us?
That was all I could think of.

My grandad was the one who spoiled me the most. Me and my cousin, Chi. He called me his Maldita and Chi his Angel. Sometimes he'd put both of us in his lap and say Junee-Coy and Chi Chi-Coy. He never came home from work without pasalubong.
He would always be the one who wants to see me during summer. So he'd always pay for my tickets from Palawan to Manila.

I never really blamed God for taking them away. For some reason, my Mom would always teach me to be thankful that they no longer would suffer. But sometimes its just painful that...one day they're there. The next they're not.

Until now, it never really got to me, that this is how life really went. One day, the people you love can no longer open their eyes. That may be the last time you see them wearing that dress. Hearing them laugh. Seeing them walking around. Sometimes it would make you wish you knew it was coming just so... just so.

God will take them away for a reason, whether we like it or not.

I'm pretty worried about Mama. Auntie is the last sibling she has. They would always talk on the phone, they'd tell each other stuff, just like they were teenagers. But not about gossip though. About their lives. I'm sure Mama is going through some tough time right now.

My Mom was asleep when I told her. She cried just as I said "Gone". I wish I was there right now. Comforting everyone. I wish I was everywhere. I wish I could do something about it.

There is always God to turn to.

....But how about this one friend who always listened to you, and made you feel comfortable, who made you laugh... who said he wouldn't leave?

Where is he? I hope he didn't leave. I hope he doesn't want to. Because this is one person I don't want to lose, too. He saved me from a lot of things. He made me... happy.

I need him right now. I hope he forgets all his reasons of ignoring me for this.

I guess... all I'm trying to say is...

Don't take them for granted. You can never tell.

(TODAY'S ENTRY)


We've lost someone really dear to us. And as much as I want to stay calm, all I ever did was force myself to take things easy. calmly.

But it's not that simple.

All I ever did was give out fake smiles, and fake laughs. Trying so hard to conceal how I really feel.

Even if there are times when I laughed out loud or smiled at friends, it would only happen for a second. And then its back to reality.

My close friend has come back to me. He's here again. He's always there when I'm sad. Rarely there when I'm okay. But he makes me happy too. That's why I'm thankful for him.

Thank God he's back.

I still couldn't believe it. Everytime I look in the casket all I could think of is.."Is this really happening? Is that really Auntie inside?"....

...Last night, Caloi and I held hands and looked at her for the first time. His hand just held on tighter and tighter by the minute.

This is hard. One of the hardest.

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