Blackbag Heaven.

When you're older it seems like there's no excuse to cry over what people think of as "little things".

Moving on is never easy. Its never been easy to me. I couldn't stop wondering why today can't be just like Sunday I've gotten used to. I still can't believe that one of the days I've dreaded the most is already happening. I'd do anything to have those days back again and I would have never done anything stupid to make each day spent with Andrew a happy one and I wouldn't have let the day end without giving him the assurance that he deserves, of how much he really means to me.

Most of the time I wished that I could cut this place just as if I was slicing a cake and I'd take it with me because this really has been my home.

I don't think anyone else will ever love this place like I did, like I will always love.

And now I sit here on the corner of my room, silently wishing I'd just wake up and this is all just a bad dream. That when I open my eyes, all of my things are still in place. My dreamcatcher still hangs on the ceiling. My side of the floor is still messy. I can still hear Andrew and his room mate playing Smackdown in his dorm. That I'm just a whistle away. The airconditioning still leaks at night. Weekends are spent with no one else but the love of my life. I still sleep at 3 AM with my Polca 8 (and Polca 1) girls. I still worry about Elementary Statistics. That everything is normal, and exactly the way it used to be. Of how I want it to be.

If only I could just...take it all back. But now that I can't, I wish I could just forget all about it. I wonder why it can't be that easy.

- October 29, 2006
1:48 P.M.
Polca Six

I barely have photos of myself smiling here. And I do look wasted because I'm going through really tough times.

All my stuff are packed in black bags. Kinda sad and funny in a way.

I couldn't believe it was my last night.

A silly photo of myself frowning in the bathroom.

Just something I drew that night, Peyton-inspired.

I wrote my name on the matress as a sign of owning it. I will always own this freakin' matress!

Maybe I can just stay here...

The prettiest door.

Me without Andrew.

I will miss staring at this dorm

We used to lay on my dirty comforter and play Tong Its by the grass in front of Andrew's dorm.

Andrew and I would talk by the dorm's gate and stargaze. Its where all the "ligawan" happened!

I will miss you, Kittycets!

The dorm is just as empty as I am.

I found it so hard to stop the tears from falling. Funny I thought my Mom would find it silly that I was crying over something like this. Though I'm sure she understands, but it really is just a big deal to me, bigger than what most of you would think.

I always thought that my Mom would understand me better. But somehow, after all these years, the person who knows me (now) is Andrew.

This one night, I was hugging him and crying in his arms, and he was just quiet but he was stroking my hair and running his hands at my back. He just let me cry there. And I think that was one of the days I will never forget. Andrew just sitting there, holding me, drying my tears and telling me that everything will be alright.

I told you. He may not be perfect, but he's trying so hard for me.

And with all this distance between us, I can only think of one thing: Carrie Bradshaw. And in the words of this one liberal, old-fashioned mentor of mine, I quote...

"Distance makes us closer."


  1. Ms. Abbie.. I hate you! :'(

    I really got teary-eyed.. :(

    He just let me cry there. And I think that was one of the days I will never forget. Andrew just sitting there, holding me, drying my tears and telling me that everything will be alright.

    ..I can't really think of any words to say.. Just lemme say I care, and I love you.. +big bear comforting hug+

  2. JOBI: I did? Aw! I never thought it could affect you that way! It means a lot that it touched you. :-)

    Aw, I really love you for that Jobi.

    I love love love you!!
    *super xoxo*

  3. awww you're gonna miss your pussykitties... I'll ship my vicious cats to comfort you..