There's no place like home.

(This entry was typed offline. October 18, 2006.)

The hardest part about having a home, is having too many homes.

I have four different homes. I was born in Muntinlupa which was next to San Pedro Laguna. I stayed in Laguna for 5 years with my grandparents and cousins. I didn't remember much, but I remembered all the good times we spent. Going out with my cousin Chi, not to mention in matching outfits. We were always out, spending time together. I also remember my Mom taking me to Greenbelt to have lunch and that chocolate store a few steps away from Mushroom Burger. The cashier was always so nice to me that buying chocolates got even sweeter.

At age 5 I found it difficult to move out of Laguna to live in Palawan with my Dad's parents. Life was a lot more simple there. Little things make me happy, like watching my favorite movie while munching on ice cream or taho at 6 AM right after simbang gabi with Ate Joy while our video shop was still closed. I had friends and frenemies. I had my foot operated there, thanks to the needle that was stuck near my heels. That's where I met Jason, the forever love of my life. That's where my family had our first house. That's where my Papa Loy spent the last few days of his life. That's where I turned our house into a zoo.

At Eleven, Pops' petition of having us move to Jeddah was granted, and we left at 1997. It felt weird being there. As soon as I got down from the plane I was tearing up. I was confused. Was it probably because I missed everyone back home, or was it because of the humid air? Either way, I remembered everything clearly. The moment I got into the car, up to the time I saw the mall right in front of our villa closed. I remember going up the stairs to an almost empty flat, and a room which was filled with a double-sized bed and the moonlight coming from the bare window.

When I left Jeddah, I hid my emotions. I barely took a second look around the house, and my room. I've always been attached to the walls. Attached to the smell. Attach to the feel of the carpet on my floor. Attached to the bed. Attached to everything that took witness - that saw ME. The real me. I've had an attachment to the rooms that I actually end up feeling that the walls have actually been protecting me. Cradling me. These four walls have seen the real me but never spoke a word about me. They're just there, listening. Without judgment. Without question. Just listening. Just listening. That made it harder for me to leave.

Jeddah has been home to me, it shaped me into the dramatic teenager that I have been. Its where I realized I wanted to be a model. Its where my family and I became complete again. Its where I experienced having both of my parents always there for me. Where I experienced being what its like being a daughter to a father. The scolding and the slapping. Its where Pops molded me into being a gadget freak. Thanks to the many times he's surprised me with a gadget on my bed, or on my couch.

Moving to the dorms at Dasma was difficult. Both of my parents are in Jeddah, my grandmum was in Laguna, the only family I have in the country, and my parents still decide to house me in a dormitory.

I will miss messing up my already messed-up side of the room.

The first thing I see when I wake up everyday - the dreamcather I've had since high school.

I cried on my first night here, feeling restless. There's no one to turn to. No one really knows me here. There's going to be a lot of adjustments. A whole lot more of adjustments. And then being a true Cancerian that I am, I made the environment adjust to me, rather than me adjusting to the environment. I decorated my part of the dorm to make me feel like home. Home being Jeddah. All my stuff is here now. And since Andrew and I got together, I barely went home on weekends, so we'd get to go out on dates more often.

It holds most of my favorite things.

If Jeddah turned me into a dramatic teenager, Dasma turned me into an adult. I can say I've experienced the toughest parts of my life here. Dealing with so many things. Since Andrew is the only person I can turn to, all my attention is on him, which made me REALLY attached to him. It was difficult for me at first because I was so KSP.
It wasn't until I got close with my dorm mates, Roch, Upper and Camille. But when they all left, I was back to being all uber-emo and crap. And then I met Kat, Anna, Jhen, Tsik and Pao. Everything changed then. I finally had friends I can see at the end of the day to talk about all sorts of things. I felt like we could all relate.

I'm leaving so much behind here. DASMA IS MY HOME. I did things on my own here. I committed my mistakes here. I fell in love here. I turned 18 here. I turned 20 here. I was here when I started modeling. I would do anything just to stay here. But I can't. For my parents, I can't. But if it was for my friends, and long as they'd stay here, I'd stay here. Things could've been this way. But its not. And it won't.

Its going to be hard adjusting, missing ordinary nights like this, by Andrew's dorm window.

I'm leaving home. I'm leaving the one place that really sheltered me.
Four years. Four years of mostly pain. That bittersweet feeling of wanting pain. Here. All here.

I still want to end up staring at the same ceiling, seeing the same scotch tape stains on the walls. Same hanger full of wet underwear. Same airconditioning that leaks at night. Same bed full of pillows. Same couch full of clothes and school papers.

Everyone's left. Everyone packed. But me.


  1. Wow! What an entry! :) So much emotion, so much thought, so much feeling. Thanks for sharing Abbie! Change is hard huh? But I like to think that when change happens, and we really feel it, then that's when we really know we're living and growing! Home really is where your heart is!

  2. its me care. :p anyways, that was really really emotional. There are things that really cant leave behind no? I can somehow re;ate since we've been moving much, and only settle for 5 years here in Laguna.

    I didnt know you were from Laguna. I knew beautiful girls do came here. LOL.

    So, are you coming back to Jeddah? I heard its a lot of travelling from here to there.

    I know it'll be hard, but for a girl like you, you'll cope up soon. We know how much you love Andrew and your friends, but you're strong. you can make through this, like what you said to me. YOU'RE STRONG. BEAUTIFUL. AND ANDREW LOVES YOU. So fear not. ;)

    You're included in my prayers ever since we kinda talked in multiply. and you'll always be.

    Take Care.

    -Care Gumin

  3. ANNIE: Thanks so much, sweetie. Sometimes its hard to tell which one's home. But I consider all of them home!

    I cried kanina, when I left the dorms. :-( Its just too much to handle all at once.

    Don't get me wrong,I love travelling, but not leaving home permanently. :-(

    AND YES. Home IS where your heart is. Mine's divided into four.

    Thanks for being there. Love you! :-)

    CARE: That picked me up! The instant I read your comment, I felt better. Thanks for all the kind words you said, I really appreciate it.

    We'll be having a 12 hour stop-over lang in Dubai, and we're there. We can book for a straight flight but that's just too boring. :-)

    I'll always pray for you too Care. God bless you always! :-)

    Beautiful girls do come from Laguna! ha ha ;-)
    Bias tayo! ha ha ha!