Butterflies and Wilting Roses.

Skypage for 9 hours with Babe. That's massive.
Kamusta naman ang 6:37 am - 3:00 pm diba? *kilig*
I even got to watch him sleep and hear him breathe again.
I love Skype! Ventrilo, boo (lol its 'cause I can't intall it in my PC. Ahaha)!

There are some experiences in life that don't need to be shared. Partly for personal reasons, partly because you can't explain it. Its too beautifully complicated and twisted.

All I know is that this is just one of God's greatest test for us. Being in a long distance relationship isn't easy. I'm having trust issues. Its like I wanna cry non-stop but then I always end up wondering why.

I've gotten the assurance I need, but something tells me its still not all ironed out. Unless something changes. And I need to see that change. Because sometimes it feels like I'm just in the background. Trust is so important. Somehow, for some weird and unknown reason, I still can't give it a hundred percent.

I talked to God before I slept this afternoon (I hadn't slept last night). I told him that I needed strength to be able to do this. This long distance relationship is pretty much working. But I guess if it still drives me insane because there are some things that couldn't be compromised... I dunno what to do next. Either way I will, or might regret it.

He's a big boy now. He knows what he's doing. And there is always a choice.
Whether to believe. Whether to doubt. Whether to stay or go. Love or Hate. Cheat or not. To lie or to be honest.

Wherever this road is taking us, I don't know. But one thing is for sure. I know that I love him. And he tells me that he loves me too. Just like the rest of them, he promises to never leave me. But I hope that promise wouldn't actually turn out to be -- like the rest of them made before.

In the middle of all this chaos, the smoke, the blood, and all the dead people laying on the ground, I see a small spark of light at the end of it. Whether or not it takes me months, or years to get to that point, I will never close my eyes to lose sight of it again. I will hold on to it. Hold on to it for my dear life. For if this all falls apart, for if someone else takes it away from me -- I lose everything. I lose my life.

"Running through the monsoon
Beyond the world
Til' the end of time
Where the rain won't hurt
Fighting the storm
Into the blue
And when I lose myself I think of you
Together we'll be running somewhere new
And nothing can hold me back from you
Through the monsoon...."

I've never felt this way in my life. Its like being in the dark without knowing when daylight's coming.

Somehow I have a feeling that this isn't right. But something tells me its worth a shot. But I need his help, too. He has to prove something to me.

I don't really know where I am now.

I loved what Ayeen said in her blog (November 13 2007 post), and I quote:

"Most of the time, I'm in dire need of the right thing to say.
Rummaging through the vocabulary that shouts uncertainties, despite the genuine intention. But I don't hate it. It's how it should be anyway. For if it can be explained, profounded by mere letters, straightforward to its meaning, it would be nothing but a pale existence.
It's hard to keep up with it. Translate every beat with a letter. Form a word, out of glory.
But honestly, I prefer it this way.
I prefer not explaining it in details. For in details, you set standards, you point out specific things...
and love is too big, too diverse, too complex of a feeling for that."

So effing true.

Love is a freakin' battlefield.
All I know is that Andrew is mine. And I am his.
Entirely. For the freakin' rest of our lives.
He is all I want.
But God has to help us get out of this rut.
I know He will.
I trust Him.