It's (not) too late to you mean it (doodeedo doodeedoo doo)

Always remember that SORRY is not a word to be taken for granted. Not a word to be overused. Not a word to say when you’re not sincere about it.

When you say SORRY, try your best to never do what caused you to apologize, ever again.

In other words, don’t walk on the path I’m walking.

I apologized so many times to Andrew whenever I was playing Dick Tracy on him for more than a couple of times this week. Afterwards I would say “Sorry. I was just wondering.”

Totally not right.

When your boyfriend asks you to trust him, and you can see it in his eyes that he means it – TRUST HIM. Don’t listen to all the loud noises in your head. If the things you hear in there worry you, and you know would make things worse – SHUT IT UP. PRAY. Ask for peace and guidance. God does not whisper things that make you doubt, no. That’s the black-horned red monster you’re hearing. DON’T LISTEN TO IT like I did. It will drive you nuts. Today I ran to the bathroom and (excuse me) barfed. I was seriously THAT bothered.

In my case, I know my boyfriend than most of the people around him (not as good as his family, of course. But pretty close). Andrew and I have spent our years together almost everyday. We’ve been like, practically married to each other (and I did say that a lot of times already). If you’re in the same situation as I am – you moved out of the country, leaving him behind after more than three years of being together, and on the 6th month of you being apart someone tells you stuff about him that makes you think of suicide – THINK AGAIN. DO NOT JUMP INTO CONCLUSIONS. Talk to him nicely and ask him. Ask him seriously.

If he assures you, that he is doing NOTHING behind your back, BELIEVE HIM. Do not judge him. Boys find it very hard expressing themselves. Don’t take it against them. Sure, you’re having a hard time adjusting to your situation, but just because he isn’t showing you that he’s A-okay does not entirely mean he isn’t finding it difficult. Always remember to consider his feelings. Don’t be so consumed of your fear of losing him or cheating on you that you forget that he has feelings too. Duh, he’s human.

Don’t expect him to ALWAYS tell you where he is 24/7. This is really one of the hardest realities I am facing right now. I got so used to knowing where he was and who he was with ALL THE TIME. Give him time to breathe. Someone once told me, that you have to grow as individuals too. So do just that. This space that you have right now? Use it. Turn it into a good experience and learning point for you, and for your relationship. If you love each other so much, you’ll learn how to trust each other – you can still grow as individuals even if you’re a couple. If none of you let go of each other (meaning communication lines are totally wide open), you’re okay.

I thought Andrew was letting go of me today. BUT THANK YOU LORD. THANK YOU LORD. Because he didn’t. He got so pissed at me for continuously nagging him this week. And I deserved it. I deserved his anger. I mean, if I were in his position, I’d be pissed too.

I apologized again. But this time, I swear. I really mean it. I will never do something like this again. I will not wait for the time where he gets so pissed off and so fed up of everything he decides to break-up with me. The thought just makes me want to jump in a plane right now.

The lesson here is TRUST YOUR BOYFRIEND. Always remember that you know him more than anyone else. Don’t forget that he loves you, too. And just because he can’t show how much he does right now, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you anymore, or as much. You have to realize that in long distance relationships, everything is limited. Be contented of what he can offer, and understand his situation. Stop arguing with him, because for all you know, he needs you more now.

And I just realized.
I’ve been asking him to change for us – and that we needed to compromise for our relationship to work. But I was wrong. Because I don’t do that myself. I have to stop acting like a friggin’ dominatrix. I have to let go of the whip and learn how to listen to him. Ako narin mismo ang nagsabi. He’s a part of this relationship. His voice needs to be heard too. And as his girlfriend, I have to listen. Not because its my responsibility, but because I love him. I have to start analyzing myself as his girlfriend, and stop looking at myself as the victim. I am not perfect. He is not perfect. We both commit mistakes. But I always focus on his mistakes. What about mine? I always focus on what he doesn’t do, but what about me? What about the things I don’t do? I always say “I gave him everything!!” But didn’t he do the same? He sure did! I’m just too blind to notice it all because I’m too busy looking and noticing all the red marks on the paper. I expect so much from him, wanting him to do exactly what I do for him, but I should respect that he has his own way of doing that, and in his own time!

I totally wanna kick myself in the buns now.
And salmonslap myself (I miss you Lizzerino).

I have to stop torturing him with all the doubts.
I have to stop torturing myself with all the worrying,too.
He begged me to not worry because he loves me.
ME. I’m all he wants, nobody else.

I’m a nutcase! If Andrew totally lost his temper he would’ve totally broke up with me, and it would all be my fault. And I wouldn’t be able to live with that.

I have to stop thinking all guys are the same.
Andrew will not do that to me. He will not leave me.
He promised me. And I will trust that. I’m scared shitless but I will trust that. I always talk about taking risks but here I am, still on the edge, not letting go.

I have to see things clearer. The wind is blowing hard on me, making everything so blurry. But as I turn to my right, Andrew is there – holding his hand out.

“Trust me, we can get down there alive”

I take his hand and then we jump together.
No parachutes. Only each other.

That’s love.

Happy Birthday Ma.
I know I should've made an entry about how you're the greatest Mom in the whole wide world -- and because of that, I'm sure you understand.
I love you.