And then I was calm.

We went swimming together and I saw him on one of the pools. All of La Salle Dasma was there. At least the ones I knew. Strangely, so was my Mom.

I sat on one of the waterfalls and I had my journal in hand. The water was hitting my nape but it didn't wet my journal at all. And so I started writing.

And then I was on a bus, with Ma. But I knew I was supposed to be somewhere else.
All of a sudden I was walking in a mall. And I was walking with three of them and we were on a double date. She was with my friend, apparently they are back together again even if he knew that she screwed he who was mine, who happened to be his friend too. Suddenly I had a friend with me, and we were falling in line, only the ho bag went in line right in front of me and ordered chicken sisig. My favorite. I was outraged. I didn't understand why I was with him, and why I was hanging out with her and my friend. These people ruined my life. How can I be spending time with people I wanted to kill? And why was she standing next to me without me doing anything to her? Why didn't I pull her hair, break her nose, step on her face and kick her until she dies?

Why was I so calm? I just looked at her.
That's all I did.

And then Tutti jumped on the bed. And I went back to reality.
That has got to be one of the weirdest dreams I've had in my life.

It was also the first time I dreamt about him. And her.
And its been bothering me the whole day.

I'm coming home soon... what if I do see her IRL? What will I do?
Will I be this calm? Will I make a scene? Will I let all of Cavite know of what she did to me?
Of what she did to my life? Should I let her know how she destroyed me, how she ruined my life? How she almost made me lose myself?

Will it be worth it?
Will she ever regret what she did to me? She wasn't the reason why he left me. But that's not the point. He ended things with her before he did with me... She asked him to leave me for her but he didn't want to at the time of their affair, because he was still in love with me.

You know what?
The fact that he left me, I know I could get over that... He told me his reasons. And they might've sounded like bull. But I always got around understanding him anyway. Even if it hurts me. I always understood him. And its not cos I want to. It just always came naturally.

Its not the dumping part that hurts. Although it does of course.
What really hurt me is infidelity. And with someone I even met, have a photo with.
With someone our friend is with.

Sometimes I wonder how they can live with themselves knowing they have killed me, and it was by choice... I will never believe the words "I never meant to hurt you." We all have choices. Milk or Cream. Coffee or Tea. To screw with your friend's ex (at the time, cos my friend dumped her) behind your fiancee's back, or not.

Goodness. I'm sorry. I couldn't help myself.
Its one of those days.
I hope they'll be over soon.
I need the sun back in my life.
I've been living in nights the past 5 months.
Whatever that means.