That daunting feeling.

Have you ever felt like you’ve known someone for what seems like your entire life, but the longer you stare at them, you feel like you’re looking at a stranger?

I do.

Most of the time I close my eyes, shake my head and take a deep breath whenever I get that feeling. But as soon as I open them, I realize that none of it is helping.

I’d chant the words to myself.

“You know, you know, you know.”

You know who this person is. Deep down I get a chill in my spine.

It felt so weird. I’ve had these photos ever since and it always felt like I could easily define how I felt. Now its just a big black question mark.

Who is this person? It was like I had amnesia. I tried to remember details of what happened the time the photo was taken. It somewhat feels like I was with an entirely different person at the time – not the one I was in the photo with. Which is really strange, since I’m supposed to know who that person was, as he will only be a memory now. A lot’s changed. I’m supposed to keep how things were intact in my head. For he is dead now. And I don’t know who this person is, taking the exact form of who I knew.

It’s been that way for quite awhile.

Yesterday, the electricity at the office was down for a few hours. I took my i-mate out of my bag and started clicking on the picture folder. Next thing I know, I was staring at our photos again. But today, something felt different. I stared at myself, lying next to that “stranger” I was lying next to. I tried to go back to that time. The person I was with was holding his phone and taking photos of us while I was holding my phone, with my media center on my right side, watching stored eps of Sex and the City’s fourth season. The photos looked like they were moving according to what happened at that time. But I shook my head and focused on myself.

And then the strangest feeling came over me.

I didn’t know who she was.

I remember, during SJParker’s guesting on Oprah, they were talking about knowing who you are in your 20’s. And SJP said something like “You’re not supposed to know yourself at that point, you’re supposed to be searching for yourself… that’s the fun of it”. And Oprah agreed. Then it hit me. All this pressure of falling in love with myself and knowing who I am – its not supposed to be so hard. Everything will come in its own time, I guess. This is life’s journey, this is what we’re supposed to be doing and for once, without any pressure whatsoever.

Boy do I need to start over. With the cleanest and shiniest gold slate I could have.

I have to provide myself with a silver platter this time. They have to come from my own sweat, blood and tears. And with God’s help that really might just happen.

Moving on to something cheerier.

So. The high-maint, fast paced life of the Big Apple, the laid-back vibe of California, or the perfect mix of high-maint, laid-back air of Londontown? My Kuya Richie in CA has already been convincing me that he sees me working in NY. My cousin Sarah and I have already been making crazy plans on our escapades when I get to London. So. What will it be?

"I feel like I become somebody else when I do the pictures. I don't like doing pictures as myself. I like to be made into somebody different."
- Kate Moss