This shhh is Bananas.

I slept at 2AM yesterday reading my old blog. My third, old blog. It was a time in my life where I believe I was at this small mountain peak of my life. Everything was so exciting. And I may have sounded immature but I made sense. Everyday I had a quandary to think about and figure out.

I wonder how I was able to juggle it all. I had a very busy life then. Busy but well-balanced. Was it what caused all my "AHA!" moments? Now that my life has been so-so, I have more time to think and contemplate on life, its beauty, its struggles, its weeds. But why don’t I seem to “have the mind” that I had back then?

What made me into this shallow person?

Is it because I’m miserable enough that I unconsciously stop myself from sulking more? Or is it because… Oh. Deep down I know I’ve figured it out. Maybe I’m gonna need an epiphany toilet. But lately I’ve been so lethargic to even think, that most of the time I can’t even answer “What do you want for dinner?”. I just say “Kahit ano…(Anything…)”.
Its like my wish was granted. I am on Auto-Pilot. Its not what I imagined it to be. I thought everything would move swiftly from there, but I never thought I’d want my old self back. I complained a lot that my head is always in traffic. And now I miss it.

I know I can’t take that part of myself back again. It belongs to him. And he let his old self die. He chose that road. And I’m sure I died with it. The only thing that sucks after giving your all in a relationship is that when it ends, you don’t know who you are anymore. But then again you should never regret loving unconditionally. It’s the best feeling in the world.

But dear goodness, I need to live again. I’ve got to become a whole new person. My kababata (childhood friend) Caloi told me that I should enrich my life. Do things I’ve never done before. And I always told myself that I’ll know I’ve made it once I finally have that Chanel 2.55 hanging on my shoulder. But in my heart I know that I’m yearning for something greater than that – Shia LaBeouf. Uh I mean, LIFE. To be in that rollercoaster ride 16 hours a week (because I need rest) until I leave this planet.

I have never been Plain Jane. Not that it’s a sin. I’ve just never been one. It’s one hell of a transition. I was never a party girl either, but I had loads of fun. I’m starting to realize how much of a sap I’m starting to become. Or maybe its because I can’t spend all my money since I’ll be heading back home in 9 weeks?

Crass. I’m turning 22 in exactly 2 weeks and a day. And 24 hours before that I’ll be celebrating my one year in Jeddah. And I remember exactly what I felt like the day I landed here.

Ah. Whatev. I'm full of hate now, I just deny it.
A date with Peter Pan is the best remedy.
Sweet dreams, yo!


“Apparently, the brains found in our heads are just dummies. For most girls, their real brains can be found in their hearts, on the other hand, for most boys, it can be found in their balls.”
- Me

0 comments: