And then I was calm.

We went swimming together and I saw him on one of the pools. All of La Salle Dasma was there. At least the ones I knew. Strangely, so was my Mom.

I sat on one of the waterfalls and I had my journal in hand. The water was hitting my nape but it didn't wet my journal at all. And so I started writing.

And then I was on a bus, with Ma. But I knew I was supposed to be somewhere else.
All of a sudden I was walking in a mall. And I was walking with three of them and we were on a double date. She was with my friend, apparently they are back together again even if he knew that she screwed he who was mine, who happened to be his friend too. Suddenly I had a friend with me, and we were falling in line, only the ho bag went in line right in front of me and ordered chicken sisig. My favorite. I was outraged. I didn't understand why I was with him, and why I was hanging out with her and my friend. These people ruined my life. How can I be spending time with people I wanted to kill? And why was she standing next to me without me doing anything to her? Why didn't I pull her hair, break her nose, step on her face and kick her until she dies?

Why was I so calm? I just looked at her.
That's all I did.



And then Tutti jumped on the bed. And I went back to reality.
That has got to be one of the weirdest dreams I've had in my life.

It was also the first time I dreamt about him. And her.
And its been bothering me the whole day.

I'm coming home soon... what if I do see her IRL? What will I do?
Will I be this calm? Will I make a scene? Will I let all of Cavite know of what she did to me?
Of what she did to my life? Should I let her know how she destroyed me, how she ruined my life? How she almost made me lose myself?

Will it be worth it?
Will she ever regret what she did to me? She wasn't the reason why he left me. But that's not the point. He ended things with her before he did with me... She asked him to leave me for her but he didn't want to at the time of their affair, because he was still in love with me.

You know what?
The fact that he left me, I know I could get over that... He told me his reasons. And they might've sounded like bull. But I always got around understanding him anyway. Even if it hurts me. I always understood him. And its not cos I want to. It just always came naturally.

Its not the dumping part that hurts. Although it does of course.
What really hurt me is infidelity. And with someone I even met, have a photo with.
With someone our friend is with.

Sometimes I wonder how they can live with themselves knowing they have killed me, and it was by choice... I will never believe the words "I never meant to hurt you." We all have choices. Milk or Cream. Coffee or Tea. To screw with your friend's ex (at the time, cos my friend dumped her) behind your fiancee's back, or not.


Goodness. I'm sorry. I couldn't help myself.
Its one of those days.
I hope they'll be over soon.
I need the sun back in my life.
I've been living in nights the past 5 months.
Whatever that means.

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Quote of the day.

RELIGION IS OUT THERE, ABBIE -
SEARCH FOR THE TRUTH.
- My Bff, Ayah Selim

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Absofuckinlutely.

PISSED. THAT I AM ACTUALLY MISSING THIS. I'm like one of the biggest SATC fans out there and I'm actually missing out on its premiere??? ON THE SILVER SCREEN??? #()*$@#*($#@^$#@(*$@$&&@ !!!




WHY OH WHY OH WHY????
I am Carrie Bradshaw in the making! Or at least I think so. Hmm. I want to believe so. Lol.
I have all these quandaries in my head too you know? (If you haven't noticed). Next thing you know I'll be saying "I couldn't help but wonder" with every post I make! I just wish I could put it out there like she does, but I don't want to be stoned to death just yet.

Do you think my Mr. Big will be named "John" too?
You know what's kinda weird? My John IRL actually does start with a J. And my Aidan IRL actually does start with an A.

NOW HOW COOL IS THAT?
Lol I'm trying to make a connection with Carrie B. here.

Anyways. I'll just get it on DVD. Yes, the original one! I'm gonna have to get it on pirata first. Lol.
Don't make me jealous once you see it ah? I already feel like strangling myself. Don't make me do it now.

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My bestfriend's on TV!



He's the guy in the middle! Check him out on 00:28 and 00:35, yo! That's my BEST right there, and its not his first TVC, mind you! Funny thing is, this TVC's theme is actually "bestfriends" -- in which he is to me, and I am to him.

Turns out today is also.... HIS BIRTHDAY!!!!!
It might have felt like I’ve said it all here – in this blog entry I typed a year ago for him (and *cough*someonelse*cough*).
But I’m glad that our friendship just got even more deeper. I know he hates me being cheesy and dramatic but I guess he can just give me this one chance in a year for him to absorb it all. Haha.

My bestfriend.
I know this will sound cliché to other female-male friendships out there, but it really does feel like I’ve known him since I was a kid, but for some reason I’m glad I didn’t meet him back then or else he would’ve bullied me around. Hahahaha. Plus he hated girls then, too.

What I wrote a year ago pretty much sums up the friendship, love and trust we have for each other as bestfriends. And I don't think its a bad thing. I'm amazed that we're still there for each other even if we don't give each other the occasional telebabad phone calls that start at sometimes 2 in the morning. Or how he would ask me not to hang up on him when he's going to sleep. Haha. How we see each other despite the period of time I've been apart from him, whenever we talk, we talk like we've only seen each other yesterday. It took a lot before he could trust me this way, and I keep telling him how thankful I am that he's become a close part of my life. He is one of the two people who called me on the morning of January 22nd, when I was about to lose myself completely. He looks up to Superman. And that day, he's proven enough that he truly is one.

He would make me cry sometimes whenever he picks on me. He says really hurtful words but he's only being honest. But he made me cry more tears of joy when I would least expect it. And that's what I love about him. Because no matter how much he hates being nice to me, he'd sometimes let his guard and principles down just to prove that after all, he is, my bestfriend.

What I wrote in the entry was true. Most of the time we still feel like banging our heads on each other cos we're both becoming a pain in the ass. He keeps telling me that he's been repeating himself whenever he gives me advices when I ask for advice on the same problem I've been having, and he does the same to me.

Tabs. I called him Tabs then not because of his last name. It was short for Tablet. Medicine. Because he's always made me feel better, even if I would cry to him and he'd just end up making me cry more by being mean and sarcastic to me. That's how we are to each other. Full of affection. Hahaha.

He's really happy now with his life. He gets the occasional bumps on the road (hey, we all do) though. But he deserves every single thing that he has right now, including his "Reyna". And I'm really happy for both of them, and I keep praying for the strength of their relationship (I love you both!)


To my bestfriend... Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your very exclusive, simple, mental and humble life. You know how much I love you and you know that I will cherish this friendship forever. Thank you for teaching me to be satisfied with whatever I have. I know there will be many more days for us to partly hate each other. But I can't live without having you in my life. And one day, I know you will feel the same. Hahaha. Thank you for opening my eyes to all the painful truths this life has to offer.


June 20 2007.
When I looked really fuglythin.
Our last photo together (for the year 2007. Hah!)


He has, in his own way - showed me that I mean something to him.
He will forever be, one of the few men in my life that I will love no matter how much he screws up (though I doubt that he will, cos he barely screws up).

And I know that he will hate me for exposing too much about him in my blog, but I just want the whole world to know that guys like this still exist. There is hope out there, women of Planet Earth. There is still hope. Just don't go barking up on my bff right here, I told you he's already taken by a girl who he truly deserves.



HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BEST.
I love and miss you so so so so much. I'll see you soon.
Basta mamigay ka ng projects! Hahaha!

P.S.
I celebrated your birthday, I treated myself to McDonald's.
Layo ng Jollibee dito from my flat eh.

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My legs hurt.

I’ve been working out again consecutively this week. And my legs hurt.

Every step my feet makes brings me pain. It hurts even when I sit down or try to pick something up on the floor. They’re reminders that I’m doing it right.
Unfortunately, pain in love doesn’t exactly mean that.

I couldn’t help but wonder, really… why do we have to be reminded of the things we did by pain?

Cheesy kissing, romantic love making, happy ending scenes… why do they have to haunt us and remind us of what used to be ours? And why do we have to be affected by it?


Just a thought.

Anyways, the wedding was cool. Najmah looked so beautiful. The entire time I kept wondering how my wedding would turn out, and if I ever was gonna get married. Just when I believed I was really gonna be a Missus this year. SO, ANYWAY. We danced. I mean they danced. I just stood there. I tried moving like a toothpick for like 2 seconds. And I was done. Lol.
Me and my "passing up opportunites to ditch my comfort zone". So typical of me. Goodness. And I said it was my theme for this year.

Whatever with a shadow.

I can't post pics of me, Ayah and Tutti. Noticed I took out our photos in my recent post? Ayah asked me to. Haha. So I'll post pics but its gonna be solo pics lang. Gah.

Funny. Today's the 24th. It shouldn't matter anymore. Stop it Abbie.

Oh, and I called Sephora today, asked them about Too Faced "Tanning Bed in a Tube" -- read great reviews about it online. They said it was available here. I can't wait to get one. Its this gradual tanning lotion, so its uber coolness. Hahaha. I gotta let my skin heal from my allergies first, gotta lose the marks before I tan. Plus I really have to prove it to my bestfriend, Gian that I have actually gotten my old color back! HMP! Its his birthday tomorrow, so I'm posting him a happy birthday entry. Heehee.

Gotta go see Peter Pan now.
I pray everyone's better than I am.
Mornight.


P.S.
Aqua's "Turn back time" is on repeat mode on iTunes.
I am so old school.

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Wrong move, Abbie.

I signed on Multiply to check my girl Patchielove's PM to me, when I saw my fellow Kidlat Clubber post photos. Little did I know that a second later I would regret opening the album.

He was in it.
Photos of their swimming trip.
Its funny. Usually when I see photos of him looking hot in boardshorts, it makes me regret that I will never get to feel his body again when we would hug and kiss, and when he would comfort me.
He looks hot. He always has. I remember how he feels like, whenever we would go swimming and we'd hug and kiss in the water...

Until all of a sudden seeing him looking so fine made me think of her.
And how she was able to experience almost everything I did with him - behind my back.

Seeing him look that hot doesn't make me regret anymore.
It hurts me. I miss him but it hurts me more.
And I think I can't get over something he never felt sorry doing.
Lies. All the lies.
Seeing him look so fine hurts me, because I know someone else already got to have a piece of him, all while he had all of me.

Seeing his bare chest, and his muscular arms no longer reminds me of what he feels like.
But It makes me wonder how she felt while she touched him, and if he thought of me while she did.
Its these painful realities that I try to avoid. Because I don't have to deal with them.

I am hurting. And I won't hide that from anyone.
Its my right to rant. Its my right to feel this way.
Its ONLY been four months. It takes a lot longer than that to get up, when you've felt like you've already died.

Bear with me.


Wrong move, Abbie.
Never log on Multiply.
Not until you see the light again.


Burn in hell, Gracian Coquia.
Burn in hell.

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What?! Today's May 20th!

Holy crassness, DO YOU KNOW WHAT TODAY IS? Yes I know it’s the 20th of May, sillyball. But its just not an ordinary May 20. TODAY IS THE LAUNCHING OF KATE MOSS’ SUMMER COLLECTION FOR TOPSHOP! OHMYOGRES!


You know what this means.

And I already eyed on two things,but I've decided to just get one of them. Lol. I already asked for two from the previous collection. If I decide to get four items instead of three it would cost me like PHP10,000. I effing love Kate Moss but I also love my friends! Hahahaha. (Thank you so much Aunt Viv - who is Topshop Motherland right now for getting them for me because if I wait to get home until August, I know for a fact that I can no longer get any of them in my size).


So. Putting my Kate hype aside, my bosses are flying to the P.I., and I kept telling them to go check out Greenbelt. It just made me realize how much I miss Greenbelt. Pucha. I miss going there even when I’m broke, and all I have is money to spend on Starbucks or Haagen Dazs as I stroll around. GAH. (Sige Abbie, konting tiis nalang!) Soon enough, I’ll be doing that – only God willing, I won’t be broke. I will be strolling around with Lizzerpodpiepeas!


On another random note – ever heard of ibeatyou.com? Goodness, I am so signing up. Jessica Alba actually responded to Kevjumba’s dare (to her) of having the longest stare! I am so jealous. I love Jessica Alba. Hahaha. I kept giggling watching her video (loved the background music that I even DLed it right after I heard it) she looked so cute and so hot! I’ve heard of ibeatyou from Kevin (wow, close kami?) last month but I actually didn’t pay much attention to what he was saying, I just kept staring at his über-cuteness.


And OMG I am such a frustrated dancer. This video is the shit. If you haven't seen it yet, watch it! Its the coolest thing I've seen this week (aside from Kate Moss' SS08 Collection!) :




I SWEAR I SHRIEKED WHEN I SAW CHRIS BROWN! And I love Lacey (from "So you think you can dance?") too!!!! This is the groolest thing, ever!!!!! I definitely subscribed. And thanks to Kevin, if not for his page I wouldn't have known about this. I am such a hermit. Hahahaha.

K I'm off dancing my ass outta control now. Lol.

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Sometimes, they come back.

Keyword being : Sometimes.

Remember this blog entry? I was so frustrated that I lost my fish’s tail. When I saw it hanging on Topshop’s accessories rack, it was love at first sight. Two months later, there was only one piece left. It cost me quite much but I didn’t care – the last piece was for me.

The day I lost it, I searched everywhere - and to no luck, I didn’t find it.
The day after, I even had the tea boy then at the office help me look around our office building for it – with help from the maintenance people (goodness I was such a diva).

I felt frustrated. As there were things I could’ve done to not have lost it. See, the fish’s tail that day was loose. My inner Abbie said it was best to keep the tail in the bag, but I listened to my horned ex-bff and decided to put the tail back, even if all I did to tighten its lock to the fish’s body was push them together using my hands.

I hate losing things that have so much sentimental value for me. And there it goes, the feeling of being restless.

A few days later I decided to get over myself. I was looking at the necklace and thought it still looks cute even if it was missing one of its vital parts.

A month passed.
As soon as I got home, Mama sat up on her bed and told me that she thought she might have seen the tail at the street right in front of our building. She said she was supposed to have a longer look at it, only car parked right on top it then. So we went down and started looking. We were kind of pessimistic about it since she saw people sweeping around it earlier, but then – there it was. All dusty and properly deformed, waiting for us to pick it up.

I held it tight in my hand as we got back up. For some reason I didn’t want to brush it off (as gross as that sounds). Mama and I thought we’d have it fixed as soon as we flew back home. But then we looked at each other and read each other’s minds. We decided not to do anything with it, and leave it as it is.

Looking at the tail’s imperfectly perfect deformations, it made the necklace look vintage. It looked as good as new despite one part looking old and worn-out.





I realized.
Even if we try to hold things together with our own hands, even if we don’t listen to that little voice inside of us just so we don’t lose them – if they are meant to let go, then they are meant to let go. Because sometimes, no matter how long it takes, and no matter how tattered they are, they will come back doing the unthinkable – making all things (look and feel) new. We do not have to dust them off. We must accept them as they are. For all we know, this one bent piece is all we need… to make us complete – yet again.

Conversely, sometimes, they don’t find their way back. And you have to stop wondering where they have gone, and just remember them as the one piece that used to make things complete, and that somehow, you are better off without them.
If they don’t come back, you’ll eventually get tired of the what-ifs.
And start looking at what’s still there – and not what’s missing.

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"Today is the second week of the week, of a weekday" ???
"A karma" ???
"I have to go back and watching" ???

WHAT?? Please don't count the number of blonde moments I have again in this vlog entry!
Oh my dear goodness, I am such a bad public speaker! Man, the grammatical errors! The grammatical errors! I am so gonna hang myself! Hahaha!

P.S.
No I didn't get pizza. I got Shawarma!!!!

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Ohmybeans.


Yesterday, after shooting a vlog with über-bursting at the seams with pent up residual anger, I decided it was best not to post it. Instead, I went to a late afternoon date with Peter Pan. Two hours later, Ma called me and told me to get ready, as we were heading to Aziz Mall to get stuff I needed for Naj's wedding next week, and to celebrate their 23rd Wedding Anniversary.

My personal financier (aka Mum) would always give me the look whenever we were out and I wanted to spend all my money all at once. I told her myself to slap me if I ever attempt to pull off something like that again, saying nothing else but "OMG I WANT THAT!" every 10 seconds.

Unfortunately, airing out my sentiments on the vlog I shot didn't help neither did my personal financiers' signature snare - I still ended up spending MORE than what I was supposed to, forgetting the fact that I am off to the Philippines in a few months and that I had to save 'em notes. I got a self-tanning lotion from Benefit, Black nail polish and Waterproof mascara from Chanel, and Black Gladiator Sandals from Paprika. It wasn't such a bad idea anyway since these things were all on my list of stuff to get before I fly back home. Now, all I need to cross out on my list is the Topshop tote, Benetint, blush on from Benefit (because I just love the packaging), and my signature scent - Clinique Happy Heart (which reminds me, I just might shift to Chloé's latest scent, it smells divine and its got a really cute bottle, too!).


We celebrated the folk's anniversary by pigging out on 3 Banana Splits. Tito Boying was with us too. I was supposed to treat them to dinner at Applebee's, probably at Red Sea Mall but we had dinner at Fuddrucker's the night before (the bill was on them, it was their promo for opening a new branch. YUM!).


I know I owe so much photos from you guys, so I'm bombarding you with tons of pickies in this post! Err, enjoy?? Lol.




Why oh why oh why is Chris Brown so hot?
I saw this on display for Rocawear, and I was like
ZOMG I am so taking a photo!
Pfft. But he's seriously hot!!
Did you see his ad for them? SO SEXY!
"I will not lose."
Yeah baby, yeah.



Me and Pop at Fudd.

They top my list of the most important people in
my life. Next to God, of course.

A blurry shot of me -STARVING on the inside. Lol.

Me and my woman. Lol. Hahaha.

Are Harleys sexay??

Yay, old school WAYFS! Finally. Lol.

Swensens Banana Split.

Adventures of a Shopaholic.
But this still doesn't top the stuff I got last March!


I love that I gained weight.
AND I LOVE MY GLADIATOR SANDALS!

Taken today at the office during lunch break,
watching the first season of Sex and the City!



So there. Next month I'm dyeing my hair again, in a olive-greenish pale blonde grayish tone. Hahaha.

Have you seen "Horton Hears a Who" ?? Its so funny! I love Katie, that yellow thing that says "AAAAAAAAAAAAH" all the time! Hilarious. We totally had a major lollage moment at that scene. Haha. I watched it at Ayah's two weeks ago.

Oh and I've been hearing this song by Trentemoller, titled "Moan" in a trailer of this show in Dubai titled "Noor". Its been my LSS for days. DL it if you can!


P.S.
I love that a few people who read my blog are finally leaving me comments.
It makes my day knowing that you guys have something to say!
Please please please keep it coming.
I embrace you!

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Exploring new hobbies?

While I was in the middle of scanning recipes for the new fine dining restaurant my bosses will be opening at the end of this month, I suddenly realized the urge I had to learn how to cook! I’ve always wanted to bake. When I was a kid my Tita Joanne and I would bake cakes when we lived in Palawan. And when I tried my first mouth-watering Sonja’s Chocolate Surprise Cupcake, I was determined to make one myself one day. I imagined myself getting busy in the kitchen for the first time, and I’ve always thought I’d do it in the condo, walking back and forth to the living room while Gramama channel surfs (as she always does), I plop down on the couch patting my dog in the head and I get up every 5 minutes to check on them baking. But now I imagine owning several cookbooks, scattered around on the counter next to the cutting board that has chopped tomatoes and parsley. I wanna make my own pesto so I can raid something healthy at midnight.

I want my kitchen to smell of rosemary roasted chicken, and curry! I can’t do much of that (cooking) in Jeddah since I don’t have the time ( and an oven to begin with ). But this is surely one of my many many many things to delve on.

Boy, I’m only 21. There is so much in this world to see! And so many things to do. I definitely cannot wait to start (and save, too – only I’ve said that since I was 18).

Next year I might move somewhere. Let’s see if God is really going to take me there. And like I told my friend Lance, I’m just so anxious to be there, living in my own apartment and decorating my own room. Its gonna be hella scary. But my mission for this year is to ditch my comfort zone already. My life dumped me. And now, if I can’t take it back, then I might as well get a new one. A better one. No, wait – THE BEST ONE.

And I pray that I finally finally finally do this. Shut up Abbie, and just do it. You always say a lot of things but whenever God gives you opportunities to do it, your balls get sucked in. Ah. How typical of me.

I’ve always told myself I’d do something crazy one day. Something I’ve never imagined myself doing (like bungee jumping because saying the word HEIGHTS already makes me cringe).

When Jason died, I wonder if he really was happy with the entire (over) 16 years he’s lived with us. I wonder if he felt fulfilled. I really wish he was. I know he didn’t want to leave us but he knew it was his time. I feel guilty that I wasn’t able to spend as much time with him as I used to before he left. When he was sick I didn’t even do my best to make him feel comfortable. It was my defense mechanism. Deep down, God was already trying to tell me something. But I ignored him and just prayed Jason gets better. I’ve been ignoring him because I didn’t want to face the possibility. I firmly believed it was gonna be alright. Living without Jason now, Ma and I have had a hard time adjusting to it. I cried the other night looking at places I’d find him most, just waiting for me to say Hi or call him over. Gringo was still with me, but I felt alone. Whenever my parents weren’t at home, Jason would really make me feel like I wasn’t alone. That night, I felt more alone than I was. I was waiting for him to appear to me. But I think he is at peace. And I think he wants me to know that. Gringo has been feeling sad himself, too. Wandering around the house and meowing all day, looking looking looking to where Jason might possibly be. Its obvious because he’d go around places where Jason spent his last days on. That orange towel blanket Jason was on the night he died, Mama semi-washed. And it is now placed on my pillow in my bed. Where I would normally put Jason on when he wants to sleep next to me. He still has fur scattered around my room and I have no intention of dusting them off – like I used to when he was still with us. I don’t own a single top that doesn’t have at least one strand of his fur on it even when they’re washed. And I love that. I don’t want to stop having them.

(Cue for big sigh.) I miss him.

ANYWAY.

I dyed my hair again. Same color that I had done a month ago - Honey blonde. Ayah did it for me first, then Ma – just the other day. I’ve always wanted that Olive Greenish-like blonde (like Leona Lewis) but its gonna be hard getting that hair color! For now I’m good with how it looks like. Now all I need is the tanning lotion. Mwahaha. I told you, I’ve been aiming to look like the asian Adriana Lima. Lol.


My HS friend is getting married on the 23rd, and since I had a lot of time in my hands yesterday, I tried on make-up that I’d do and slipped on the dress that I’m gonna wear. Wanna see?



All I need to get are silver gladiator sandals, silver hair pins and studded headbands from Axxezorize. Less is more! And the dress is like an entire head-to-toe set of jewelry already, anyway.

You like? Any suggestions on what I should add or take out? I’d love to hear what you think.

Today was a very hectic day at the office. And seriously, I'm loving it. Running around across Madame and Sir's office alternately every five minutes is like my cardio. I hear "Abbie" on both my left and right ears (duh, I'm not stupid, I know we all use both ears but you know what I mean... or not. Whatever). We went home at nearly 8PM when office hours is only 'til 6. But I'm not complaining. I like being a busy woman. I like the hype. Ha,ha.


Olshmulsh. Off to my daily date with Peter Pan, now.
Mornight, everyone.


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“I told you not to leave me.”




I was crying on him. His eyes were half open. His body still warm. But there was no heartbeat. No sign of heavy breathing.

Mama was just feeding him, with his food crushed and mixed into a water prescribed by the veterinarian. He vomited again. And we thought it was normal, as he was on his way to recovery. It will take time before his body could have enough strength to digest his food intake. A minute after he threw up, he gave one last blow. One final blow. Like a loud cough, spitting out a few more food particles onto his orange towel blanket. And then he fell silent.

I was staring at him, then at Mama. Back and forth. She was calm. Ten minutes ago, I had just looked at him and said “Ma, look… he’s not having a hard time breathing anymore!” and she smiled at me. But this time I knew he was different. He was no longer stopping me from feeling his nose and ears. I looked hard on his stomach to look for a sign that he was still with us. I wanted my eyes to fool me. But I was unlucky.

“Jay………. Jason……..Ma!!!!!! He’s not breathing anymore!!!! MA…… MA!!!!!!!!!!!”
She was standing right next to me, and I was sitting right next to him. I stood up and gave her room to see… It took awhile before she finally realized…

“JAY, MAMA (like saying “Jay, its Mama”)……BOO………..JAY!!! MAMA!!!!!!........NO!!!!!!!!!!”

The last time I saw my mother like this was before Papa Loy (my grampapa) was cremated. She was jumping and up and down, calling her mother, stopping people from taking him away from us. Crying like a little child. Like she was lost in a mall, calling out for someone to help her find her parents. That was 12 years ago.

She was banging on his half-open kennel cab. Doing everything to wake him up and I immediately looked “CAT CPR” up on Google. We tried. But we could do nothing.

I didn’t cry until 10 minutes after. When it had sunk in. He was gone. His eyes were half-open. But he was gone. I can no longer see the glare. No sign of the first boy in my life.

Our usual sleepy-time!

I was in Kindergarten. I was spending my usual afternoon playing in my Lolo’s furniture shop in Palawan, wandering around, playing with his tools, looking at all the unfinished furniture and sniffing the smell of varnish. It was quiet as all his workers had gone home, and I had it all to myself.
I went farther back, and inside what appeared to me then as an unfinished box for my Lola’s arinola, I saw what I remember was 4 small kittens, probably several days old. I held them, and they were as tiny as my little hands.

I made visits there from time to time, looking for where their mother could’ve probably left them. Until they grew weeks old. I remember putting him in a jar and shaking it. In my mean little head I found him too adorable that I wanted to let all my gigil out. Mama scolded me then, telling me its not right to treat them cruelly.
We would use empty ice cream containers and fill them up with milk and spread broken pieces of bread on it. We would leave the containers at the backdoor. Minutes later I would find them there. I would pat Jason on his back, as I watched him eat. But he would stop and give me a warning that he would attack me if I didn’t stop. I liked his sibling more, and I named it “Baby”. Baby was nicer than Jason was.

A month later I found their Mom floating at the kanal outside the house. And only two things came to mind – either she was beaten to death, or was run over (which was impossible cos she was still in one piece). Mama and I figured we had the kittens under our care now. Until little by little one of them would either die, or run away. And all I had left was Jason.

I didn’t name him Jason until he officially became my “brother”. I was plopped down on our Video shop’s red carpet, leaning on both of my hands, watching Power Rangers. I had the biggest crush on Red Ranger, who just happen to have “Jason” as his screen name. So I looked at him and told myself…”I’m gonna name you Jason”. And so I did.


Whenever I find him sitting next to me in the kitchen,
there are times that I'd grab him and put him in my lap.
(see my allergy marks? ew)


Jason went through what your typical human boy would go through. He would run away sometimes, get someone pregnant, come back home and would later on find himself doing the same thing again. Until one day we found him resting his head at the footstep of our video shop, ants all over his body. Looks like someone beat him up. And with God’s grace he was able to survive it and have the strength to come back to us.

We brought him to the vet. Got him treated and decided we have him castrated.
I would watch over him as he lie asleep in towels, on one of those red craters we had for our video tapes. One time I found myself running to him, leaning my head on the crater and just running my hands on his head, telling him that it will all be alright, while I sobbed away.

He went with us wherever we moved. He was all excited when we moved out of my grandparents’ house into a new one we got for ourselves. I remember carrying a plastic dirty hamper that had a cover on with him in it, walking at 5 in the morning, as the house was just a street across.
Years later, when we decided to move to Jeddah, we brought him – ALL THE WAY FROM PALAWAN.

Jason and his acrobatic sleeping skills.

Jason would “do his thing” in the bathroom. We trained him to do that.
You would always always always find him wherever we were. Either occupying half of your kitchen chair, watching Grey’s Anatomy with you, watching you dress and camwhore, or disturbing you while you’re chatting with your crush by sitting on the keyboards or sit right in front of the computer monitor. Sometimes, he would jump up in bed with you to sleep, or wake you up for what would most of the time happen to be a good reason. In the morning, whenever I wake up, he would get out of bed and stretch in front of me, and meow like there’s no tomorrow, greeting me good morning and probably telling me what his dream was. He would also stay in places where he know he’d get run around by your foot, or hit by your leg. And I’d just say “Jay, baby, wait… I’m gonna be late.”

He’d respond to you whenever you talk to him and ask him questions. Its really cute. When I want him to sit beside me I just call him and tap the spot next to me. He’d turn his head to where I was and meow. Sometimes he did it with one call. Sometimes you have to bug him for it. But either way he‘ll do it. He would do whatever you tell him to. And most of the time, where the entire family is, you’ll see him there.

That look. I’ll never forget that look. That look full of life, with the glare in his eyes, as if it were saying “Yes, I’m here….”


My partner-in-crime and me, watching T.V.
Seriously. He really does watch T.V. with us.


Jason was there for me through my toughest times. I would find myself hugging him tight and wetting him with my tears. He was surely there to give me comfort.


But at this moment… he was no longer there to respond.
Its been awhile now. Mama had just called the veterinarian to tell him we need to give them the body as soon as possible, even if we had to pay an emergency fee. I was holding his hand that still seems to be pink, he was still warm. And mama was whispering to him and saying “Its okay now, bubu… rest now….Its okay….” And it just made me cry more. I sat next to him, still looking at him in disbelief with tears building up in my eyes. Mama had gone to her room crying and dragging around. I just cried on him while I screamed “I told you not to leave me!!!!!!!! I just told you a few minutes ago, I said “Jay, don’t leave me, okay?” I told you to fight!!!!” and I expected some sort of miracle, he would hear my cry and be bothered by the tears falling on his body and wake up. But he didn’t.

I took him out of his kennel cab and into my arms. He was almost starting to stiff. And I never imagined myself not being scared of something like that. But I didn’t care. I lay him on my chest, and Mama wrapped around two hand towels on him, and it seemed like he was just asleep. I was kissing his head countless of times while I held his hand. And I retold him the story of how we met.

“Remember when we first saw each other, Jay? We were so small! Remember, I took you in my hands. You were just as small as my hands then…”I let out an awful lot of sob. And then I continued whispering in his ear. “You’ll always be my baby, no matter what….”

I couldn’t believe he was gone. I never imagined him lifeless.
Minutes later, Papa and my Tito Boying came, and said it was time for him to go.
I just sat still on the chair. Holding him tighter. Not wanting to let him go.
Not wanting to let him leave.
But I had no choice.

I stood up and handed him to Mama for awhile as I wore my abaya. And took him back into my arms. I felt like I was going to explode into tears. Before I headed out the door, I let the flat have one last look at him, and I told him to say goodbye. Goodbye to the place that housed him for over ten years.

I wrapped my arms around him tighter as I walked out and down to the car, protecting him from people I would pass by as I know it would terrify them if they saw that I was carrying a dead cat.
I got in the car and protected his ear from the door banging shut as it would normally scare him.
I was feeling a mixture of shock and depression. The AC was busted so Tito rolled the windows down. And I figured it would be good for Jason. It would be nice to feel the air blowing through his face. I just stared out the entire trip, running my sight back to the view, to Jason and to my Mom who was sitting beside me, as she was looking out on her side of the window, sobbing. Papa and Tito Boying just made everything lighter by not talking about it. I didn’t care. There I was kissing his head countless of times again and holding to what is slowly feeling like a cold hand. We passed through Tahlia, the life of the night on the street didn’t seem to make me feel any more alive. As I was cold inside. I appreciate that Tito drove slowly, giving me more time to feel him in my arms. More time to have his fur scatter on my clothes. More time to look at him.

All for the last time.



We parked in front of the clinic and waited for the doctor to arrive. I planted it in my head that I wasn’t gonna let go of Jay. Papa went in on Mama’s side and patted Jason in the head, saying “Goodbye” which really just made me cry more. I secretly wished the Doctor would never come. And that I would wake up and its all just a bad dream. But it didn’t happen.

I got out of the car when I saw him unlocking the gate. He looked at me with pity. I had my hair in a mess and my baby wrapped around my arms, lying on my chest. We entered the clinic and headed to the check-up room. And he took out a black bag.

We lay him on top of it, the pinkishness of his paws are now turning white. His mouth was slowly turning gray. He was stiffer than he was when we left the house. Mama bid him her last goodbye, and I took out both hand towels from him. The veterinarian then took one back from me, covering Jason while saying “leave this, this is for him…okay go….leave now Madame….I know this will be very hard for you…” Mama left the room sobbing. And I just gave him one last kiss, and I heard the vet say “Okay, okay now….Go….” As I left the room I looked at him one last time as the vet placed him inside the bag. I cried even more saying “Please take care of him……” and the vet said “Okay, I will….” And slowly placed him in. and wrapped it all up.



My tubby wubby and me before
meeting up with our friend and my date,
Peter Pan.


On the way home, I sat closer to Mama this time, putting my head on her shoulders as we went on sobbing together. She tried comforting me but I just ended up tearing up more whenever I would think of what would happen to me EVERY day.
“Wala nang babati sakin sa umaga…..”
As it was part of my daily routine – seeing my baby sitting by my bedroom door, as if he’s waiting for me to get up so he can greet me (or ask for food) - meowing, meowing, meowing.


I have several scars on my arms from him. I have two that are really obvious though, one on my right chest and on the right side of my tummy. I always told myself I’d have them taken out by several laser sessions when I have the money.
…But I don’t think I’d still do that. I’d like to have them with me forever, and show them to my children and tell them about the first love I’ve ever had in my life.



April 30 2008.
Jason's last photo before he got sick.
I saw him sleeping so cute and peaceful, and I loved
how the sunlight hit his body so I hurriedly got my
camera and took a photo of him. It is now my office PC and
cellphone wallpaper.



Jay, my baby boy… I know you are in a better place right now. Somehow I wished you took me with you. But I guess I don’t deserve to have the peace that you have right now. Last night I was waiting for you, I was eager to sense that you were still in the house. Its just not going to be the same without you,baby… I just want you to know that you have made me very happy. Especially Mama. Thank you for teaching Papa how to love animals. I’m sure he’s gonna miss feeding you with whatever he’s munching, as you always follow him around asking him to have a bite of what he has. You know he spoils you more than Gringo. I’m sure Mama will miss making gigil to you whenever she carries you in her arms and you just rest your head on her shoulders or chest. Thank you for always being there for me in your own catty ways. You always knew when to sit next to me even when I don’t ask you to. I’m sorry you had to suffer the way you did, I never liked the idea that you weren’t feeling so well before you left. I’m sorry I didn’t pursue my dream to become a vet – I would’ve known what was really going on. I’m sorry you had to drag yourself to places and had difficulty breathing. Mama says she’s sorry she fed you the last few minutes you were with us, she said she just wanted you to recover soon. I know you’ve seen all of us surrounding you for three consecutive nights, not knowing what to do, what pained you… and I know you didn’t want us to have a hard time seeing you like that. We thought it was going to be okay since we’ve brought you to the vet right after we noticed you weren’t feeling so well, and we did that for 3 consecutive days.

Thank you for the beautiful life you shared with us, Jay. To most people you are just a cat – but you will always be more than that to me, to Mama and Papa. And I know, most people won’t understand that.

Thank you Jay….for teaching me the value of life.
And for making me realize the importance of having it while it lasts.

I will never forget you, and I can’t wait to see you again.

I love you forever.
Rest in peace, baby.

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Threeeeeeeeeeee!

And I’ve proudly developed a new habit.
Sleeping from 7pm – 8am and still feeling like shit.


ENOUGH SAID.


P.S.
I don’t think anyone has the right to stop me from my right to freedom of speech.
So I'm back. It's my space. Yes. I figured that out earlier today!
One of those "HEYY WAITAMINUTE!!!!" moments. Ha,ha!

Let me quote my girl Gwen for you.

“Oh its my life, don’t you forget…”

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And now, this.

After he said this, I said this, and then he said this.

And this leads me to shutting up for awhile, in all of my accounts.
I no longer have words to say.

I'm sorry if I pushed you to react that way and I'm sorry I reacted to things negatively.
But for most of you, you just....you don't know what its been like to be in my position. To go through the things I did, do find out the things I did, and to be treated the way he did.

Sorry? He was never sincerely sorry.
But only God knows.
My mistake if I ever did overlook that. Because with everything we went through, and with everything he did -- those words will never be enough.

But yes.
I no longer have words to say.




For everyone who knows the entire story, thank you for always being there for me.
And for everyone who doesn't know what really went on, and are still there for me, thank you so much.


I love you guys.
God bless.

0 comments: