I hate this. Darkness. I've never lived with this before. I've always brought the sun around, kept it in my pocket, held it in my hand 'til I burned. I didn't mind. It was my weapon. It was my key.

I used to be so sure about myself but the past two years made me doubt so much about what I knew about life, love, everything.

Good things are happening to me now, that's for sure. But there's a downside. But then who am I kidding. There will always be a downside. Life doesn't give you everything you want. As shallow as this sounds, I miss modeling. I miss getting texts from style editors and writers and make-up artists booking me for shoots, asking if I'm free. I'm always free. Modeling was something I've always dreamt of doing. It was something I felt like, if not excel, then at least give me the confidence - that I was capable of doing anything I put my heart and mind into. To be honest I'm quite insecure of some of my friends who are still a part of it. I'm not even famous yet, but I was on my way of being a part of that, absolutely.

I'm thankful though that this is what I'm ranting about. I'd rather have this as the unsatisfying part of the story than anything else.

I still thank the Lord for all His blessings. 2009 was bittersweet for me. Here's to looking forward to 2010. To better things. To a better life.