On the first of January, this was my Facebook Status :

God knows, with everything I went through since 2007, well... I've had issues with my faith. I tried my best to push all the negativity aside, despite the things that continue to 'knock me down', but two days after I posted this on my Facebook, my Mom suddenly had back pain. She decided it was best to see her Oncologist, and as soon as she did, he decided she should be admitted to undergo a series of tests again just to make sure everything was still as okay as it was 2 months ago, as soon as she was done with all 6 sessions and 10 treatments.

She spoke to me earlier almost confirming to me that she might have to undergo Radiotherapy again, this time for her back.

Last night I was asking Andrew, "What do you do when you feel like you're starting to lose faith?" and he told me a lot of things. Most of them didn't really get to me.

I was all over the place yesterday, it was the worst case of Bipolar disorder I've seen myself have. I just didn't know how to feel. I was so scared. I still am. The optimistic side of me is fighting against the Pessimist and Realist I've started to become. Two things I hate the most. I figured, if I wanted to be an optimist again, I can't be a realist at the same time, unless I want to end up in a loony bin. It was a battle lost to the latter. I gave in to the devil, dictating me things. Bad things, taking away the last spark of hope I had left. I kept thinking, I've been trying to get up since the 21st of January of 2008. But whenever I do, I get hit on the knees. I am disabled.

Two months ago, my Mom's findings were okay, and I was hoping that that was it. It was finished and the battle has been won. It was over. But apparently life likes to test us a lot. Its all about the clichés : "Why did this happen to me?" 'What did I ever do to deserve this?" "Of all the bad people in the world, why me? Why us?" My Mom always tells me to never question God's ways, but I can't help it. I can't bear thinking about the worst.

My Dad never lost his faith to God. He's not perfect but he's trying to be the best person he can be. No wonder they decided to make him the second Pastor of our church. I want to ask him how I could find my way back but I'm sure I'll be scolded (and I won't blame him for it), but scolding is the last thing I need right now. I just want God to show me someone who can lead me back to Him. Or maybe I have to find Him myself.

Thinking about my recent Facebook status, I remembered this line from Evan Almighty :

"Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?"


I want to find my way back to you, Jesus. I'm sorry for doubting you for two years. I want to be home again, please lead me home. Please heal my Mom. Please help me believe you will. Please stop making me think that this is the same as the time when I prayed that something as horrible as Grace would never happen to me, but did. Please make me feel that this time, it's different. I'm sorry, please forgive me. I want to believe again. Please hear our prayers. I want my Mom to live a longer, healthy life. I want her to be at my wedding. I want her to get to see her grandchildren, I want to her to be around the same way my Mama Felly is. Please don't take her away. I want to believe that you won't. Please help me keep this hope, make my faith stronger in spite of whatever the Devil is working on to bring me down.

Oh and btw, God is certainly the King of all things, including perfect timing. I received this message from my favorite Facebook App just as I was about to post this entry :

I love you Jesus. I really do. And I'm sorry... I'm just hurt.