Not so tough now, are ya?

I've been taking advantage of my health these past few months. I'm not eating on time, not sleeping right, not taking my vitamins. I'm stressed about so many things, but can't really show it. Life's been good, thank God. Its also been tough.

Hmm. How do I say this without sounding melodramatic.

"I feel like I'm going to pass out if I take 5 more steps to the copier." How's that? I've been coughing for more than 2 weeks now, my asthma's gotten really bad. I've never used a nebulizer my entire life, but I did, two days ago. I've been crying last night, I was dealing with massive head ache, back ache, tummy ache, and I've been wanting to throw up, but nothing comes out. 

Of course I had time to take photos during.
(Please ignore my messy brows, I'm growing them out!)

My point is I've never felt this weak, in...ever. 

I told God, "Better me, than my Mom." She's been feeling pain in her lower back these past few days. God is good, of course - her bone scan results turned up okay. But seeing her in pain, leaving me helpless... well, I don't know if you've ever felt that way before. The stress of having to deal with seeing loved ones suffering, whether its physically, emotionally, mentally - its different from having to deal with your own troubles. If you're in pain, you know where to treat it exactly, you know what to do about it. But when its your Mom, or your Dad, or your siblings,or your FiancĂ©, just sitting there, holding them, talking them through it, well... I'm not  really sure that's helping at all. She's been really emotional these days, I can't blame her for that. Same goes for my Dad. Seeing them like that always makes me wish I had the power to do something. Something to help both of them feel better. But I sit on my bed, face Andrew's laptop and escape.

If there was one moment that would make me cry over and over again, it would be the time my Mom was down with the fever and she was crazy-shivering in bed next to me, and I was by her side, wrapping my small arms around her with Pops' jacket. I kept telling myself, and God that it wasn't supposed to be like this. That I should've been the one with the fever, and my Mom caring for me. Not that I'm rotten spoiled to want pampering, I just felt like its not how things were supposed to be. 

I've been arguing with her these days. I know she'll be fine, we claim that. I just don't like seeing her in pain. And its not something she could help, either. I'd rather she be honest with how she feels than pretending to be fine for our benefit.

I'm not complaining, I'm just saying this has been causing me to be this. Whatever this is. Whenever Andrew tells me something he isn't happy about, I blame it on myself. I feel like there was something I should blame on me. If you ask me "Why", I wouldn't know what to say. I can't even answer the question to myself.

My faith was shaken, but not anymore. I'm on a much stable ground, which is why I think the devil is testing me. It could be God, too. I know He's not leaving any of us, I know I'm not alone in this. But my flesh can only bear so much. For now, at least.

Praying for better days.


3 comments:

  1. Abbie. :) I sincerely wish the best for you and your family. Especially for your mum. :)

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  2. I know what you mean, feeling useless when loves ones are sick :s
    but hey we can help getting them soup etc. so we do help, maybe it doesn't directly mend their pain, but I'm sure they appreciate it.. At least I know I do when I'm sick :)

    Get well soon! :) Bless your mom!

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  3. Ish! Thank you so much, sweetheart!!! I miss hearing from you! /hugs

    Jasmin, it totally blows. Thanks for saying that though, that is true. My Mom told me that recently :) God bless you for being nice enough to leave a sincere comment like that.

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