A Box of Bad Cheese

One user and Twenty Two guests online. I am not alone.

I have always known this fact, anyway. I was never really alone, but most of the time, I am sure - that I am. People around me expect the best. Because they have gone through almost the same ordeals as I have, like many others, and have made it out alive. It would be easy to assume that everyone else can, given that they have the right mindset. Which I always believed I had.

Twenty Three Years old. I could say I know better, but at the same time, there is so much to learn. It doesn't make me stupid, it doesn't make me a genius either. It doesn't make me a child, but it doesn't make me an adult.

I've made pretty bold decisions this year, but I don't have a clue on how to deal with the rest. All I need is time. I guess support, too. I just need someone to show me that they're satisfied with who I am now. I just need a nod of some sort. Or a thumbs-up. I know I don't need anyone's approval, but...

Its confusing.

Its like being sucked in a whirlwind of all these emotions. I don't even know which one to express first. Should I be happy? Or sad? I've been both for a long time and its starting to confuse me. Am I living this life for myself, apart from God? Or am I living it for other people?

I've all these voices in my head, and I barely hear myself anymore. What am I supposed to do? Whose voice should I listen to? Other people who know better? Or myself? Or both? How do I balance that?

As I read an article on a condition I've had for 6 years now, it made me feel good that I wasn't alone, but I hated the fact that there were so many of us going through the same disorder, and with the same reasons. Honestly, it would be so easy to get out of. But at the same time its also just as difficult.

I hate how its almost always about having things in between. I used to think it was awesome that I was a person you can't really describe as just "this" without saying I'm "that", too - I'm starting to hate it.

Some things in life take time. Sadly, some scars never heal.

1 comment:

  1. hi abbie! i started typing away for a reply on this entry, only to be confused with what im saying in the end. ;p hehe. also in my 20s (24) and at times (a lot of times, actually!) i am still unsure of where i am heading at. anyway, whatever it is you want to pursue, im sure youre meant to be great. ;)