Sleeping Awake

At that moment, as much as I hated reality, I wanted to stay in it. Because I knew... if I wandered off someplace else with Dr. Seuss, I'd regret absorbing a little realism in my life. Even just for 10 straight minutes.

I've been resorting to talking. Not to my laptop, not to the intarwebs, not to Molle, but to people. Yes, real people. Okay maybe I still do talk to the intarwebs. I send lengthy e-mails to my siblings, my Aunts and Cousins about the blackhole outside my bubble.

I haven't been saying a lot, honestly. I try to be careful because not all people think alike. As much as I want to vent it out, I also have to keep positive. Some people stick to reality too much. It sucks the little hope you have left, and I can't deal with losing hope of any sort. Not right now.
Its finding the balance between reality and faith. It's that old cliché, you know? I don't know if this makes sense, but its like, The Universe Vs. God - which is crazy because God controls the universe. I just feel like sometimes, the Universe does things on its own.

If I had the luxury to slack off, I would. I'm in my office chair but it actually feels like I'm standing on a cliff. I'm tempted to jump but I hold back, trying to enjoy the drama saying, "Just like in the Movies, but nothing like it at all."

I'm so tired I couldn't even cry. I fight it - insanity. I try so hard to fight it everyday, apart from the usual demons, unfortunately both in my head and IRL.

I'm just not sure how I'm going to deal with this. God is always there, He's always heard our prayers. I'm just not sure how I'm gonna get by this.

You want to cry, but you can't. And there goes another movie on mute, playing in your head. You want to stop, but you can't.

But its all too painful. Its both bittersweet and not at all. I can't smile back at people today. My lips used to substitute for my heart, now it can't do it. I can't lie anymore. I want to stop pretending. But I don't want anyone's pity. I don't want to be that person who they think of and say, "Thank God I'm not in her shoes". That's too painful, because nobody deserves this. Not even the one person I hate the most. I used to think she did.

God is good, always. Trying to convince myself that these things happen to the best of us. God loves us. I don't want to ever doubt that.

This is too painful.

1 comment:

  1. aww ate abbie. God will always guide you. I don't exactly know the full details of your difficult times right now but I wish I could give you a little hug. *HUGS* Stay strong ate abbie. Always talk to God when you feel like breaking. Take care!