A Letter to Altuna


October 4th / 6:04 P.M.


Dearest Mama,


Apart from God, I know that you know how many times I've attempted to write you another letter. I can't even write on my journal for some reason.

I know you can see us and what we've been up to these days, which means you know about the time when a new attendee came for the service last Friday. You know that she was suffering from Breast Cancer and was diabetic. You know that had been operated a year ago but the surgical wound still won't heal, and that she's currently admitted in the same hospital you were.

I didn't understand what I was feeling at that time, Ma. There she was, in the middle of everyone praying over for her and she was crying. I couldn't even go near her, I was just watching from afar while singing "Healer".

I remember when that was you.

So many times during Prayer Meetings, I end up crying because I remember, most especially - the day before we went to the hospital to get the results from finishing all your assigned chemo and radiotherapy treatments. I was so scared, and as much as I didn't want you to know, I couldn't help it. At the end, I ran to you and hugged you and whispered "No Matter What, Ma - I'm Still Your Little Girl", and then you said, "Of course, Anak. Of course." The next day, we got very good news, which only lasted for a few months. And then the cancer recurred.

While we were praying for Tita Wilma last Friday, I cried because I remembered. I cried because I couldn't imagine what it must be like for her and her family. Unlike us, she's far from her Children, and her Husband. After the service, I couldn't help it... I went to her and hugged her then she thanked me, because she said she felt God's presence. I smiled a little and jokingly said, "Teka lang po Tita ha, naiiyak po ako eh", and then I went to the restroom and cried. For real. I tried to keep it down because it was quiet and there were people outside.

Mama, I will never recover from this heartbreak. I will never get over losing you, ever. I will never be able to look at a Cancer patient the same way again. It hurts me, because I see you in them. And God knows, Ma. God knows I pray so hard that they get to spend more time with their families. Even longer than the gift of "extended life" that God granted you. Yes, it was not enough, and I always said that you could've lived to a hundred and it wouldn't be enough, but I am very much thankful that God gave us more time with you. I may still have ended up hurting you and disappointing you, and I may not be able to forgive myself for it, even if you used to tell me that I've done enough, even Papa tells me that sometimes up to this day.

And now I found out that my friend's Mom just got the news that she's positive with Breast CA. My world stopped when I found out. I feel for my friend. And I couldn't help but be taken back to the day when WE found out that you had it. That calm look on your face. That calm look on Papa's face. And me, unable to process what the Doctor was trying to say. You were even comforting me in the car! I was crying and you just kept your cool, even asking me "Why", why was I crying. And then you wiped away tears off from my cheeks, but I couldn't stop. I looked up, out of the window, staring at the sky, my head screaming, asking God for help. Asking Him to perform His miracle right then and there.

So many days that I remember your smile, your hugs. And I feel like I've temporarily lost my memory. I forgot that I already saw you lifeless, that I got to feel your cold, hard body before they rolled you into the crematory machine. And that's when it hits me, Ma. You're not here. And nothing beats the pain of having to face that.

The clothes you last wore before we flew with you to the Philippines, they're still there at the back of the bathroom door, where you left them. I hold them sometimes, and smell them. And then I put them back. I haven't packed any of your things yet. Your towel is still by the ladder near your bedroom door. The notes you left on the Fridge's door are still there. I feel like its the least I can do. I want to keep your memory alive, for as long as I live. I want my children to know you, I don't want them to forget. I don't want any of us to forget.

Mama I'm really sorry, I wish I was there when you left. But you know me too much. Maybe you thought it would make me end up in a loony bin. I am so sure I would end up crazy to just watch you go, Ma. And I couldn't do anything about it. I wouldn't want to fight with God about Him taking you. It was so hard to accept but it was easier that way, wasn't it. That we weren't there to see you stop breathing.

Mama, now that you're with Papa God, I'm praying for Tita Wilma. I'm praying for my friend's Mom. Please Mama, please help me pray to Papa God. I wouldn't want anyone else to go through the same pain I have, at least not this way, Ma.


I miss you Mama, I miss you everyday. You taught me so much and I know I still disappoint you with my actions from time to time but please know that I try my best to be the woman that you raised me to be. Sometimes I find myself wondering about something and then realize that I have no one else to turn to, you used to know the answer to everything I'm curious of.

I miss you Mama. I miss us having girl time. I miss so many things about you. But above all I just miss having a Mother.

I love you.


Love, Nee



7 comments:

  1. Heartbreak reading this..
    I know there's no getting over it, but I hope and pray that God gives you strength everyday..
    Hugs.. <3

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  2. im crying just reading this. it hurts not having a mom around and it must take all the world to just courage up and face everything. you're a brave woman, abs. and i hope your mom's friend gets well as soon as possible

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  3. hugs abs.. I know we're not close, but after reading this, I can't help but cry. I'm very close to my mom as well and I can't imagine losing her like how you lost your mom. It's such a hard situation, but I'm sure your mom is in a better place now, though she's not with you, she's constantly watching over you.. I pray that the Lord will bless you with the strength you need to face everyday life.. hugs abbie. God bless you.

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  4. I'm crying while typing this. I'm going through something right now and my Mom is literally thousands of miles away. I need her so bad right now, but all I could do is cry. Sometimes I avoid talking to her on the phone because I'm scared I might break down. I don't want her to know how much pain I'm going through because I know it will break her heart. I'm so much of a disappointment and a failure already.

    I just miss her so much. I want to hug her so bad. I want to be where she is. She's the only person in this world who really understands what I feel, even if I don't tell her anything. I received a text from her a couple of days ago and it said "Andito lang ako, anak," and I just cried.

    I'm really, really sorry that I had to tell this to you. I know this won't help you, I feel like a bad person now. But your blog entry made me realize how much I need her right now. Wherever your Mom is, I know she's proud of you because you're trying to be the person that both she and God wants you to be.

    P.S. I can't stop crying. Grrr.

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  5. hay, can't help but cry. :(

    Psalm 30:5
    Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

    Psalm 34:18
    The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

    Hope everything turns out alright. Hope you're okay:)

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  6. *Hugs* >:)< Hope you're okay :)

    <3 Camille

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  7. Tears welled up in my eyes as I was reading your letter. Your family and your friend's mom are in my prayers. *hugs*

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