During an adult conversation I had last night with my adult friends (funny I should mention that we used to talk about The OC and how my two teenage guy friends ended up crying, watching Seth sail off to nowhere at the end of Season 1...I will not name drop because they will strangle me, but the transition from that to what I'm about to write about is quite amusing), I got to thinking about how different our notions were when it came to the Carpe Diem-ish lines the children of this generation choose to live by.

I was told that I'm "missing out" when they found out that I have only been intimately with someone less than 3 times. But I am proud of myself for that. I'm a self-confessed Prude. I'm not a Saint, but yes, a Prude. Not in terms of having fun, I'm not stuck up like that, not exactly honorable too (goodness, no). I mean when it comes to principle, and sticking to what I was raised to keep, yes, I am a Prude. 

Contrary to this, they are partly right. I am missing out. I know I've never experienced "The Walk of Shame", or waking up the next day with no trace of the events that took place the night before, or having the intense need to "bolt out as soon as I'm done". But there are things in life you might just want to miss out on. Am I making sense? 

And then it came to a point where one's knowledge on sex gets poked at. As cheesy as this sounds, when you're with someone you have intense feelings for - the chemistry and connection will always be there, regardless of what you do, or don't. That's the thing about the other kind of sex, the "making love" kind. Where do you don't really have to try much. You just go with the flow, and you'd still end it with fireworks.

There's nothing wrong with busting out a move in the middle of the dance floor, drink in one hand, screaming out YOLO or YOYO, or whatever you choose to say, but there's nothing wrong with knowing your limits too. Its not being KJ, not at all - its knowing that you're also responsible for what you do to yourself, to your body, to your life. That's the whole point of "living once". Don't do anything that will wreck that. Life is shit sometimes, but regardless - its still a gift, and not that I'm going all holy on you, but it came with a very high price, something you can never pay for. Use your freedom, but do so responsibly. 

I remember having these conversations with my Mom in the past, I mentioned something to her that I wanted to try, and she said "Go ahead, as long as you know your limit".

There's always a limit. Don't think that its there to restrict you, but its there to keep you alive. Its there to make you stay the same person that you are even if your experiences and the new things you try constantly change you. Life's no mathematical equation. There are no exceptions, you can't pull off a Cady Heron saying "The limit does not exist".

Keep that in mind.

So yes, last night - in my prim and proper ways, in my green dress, I single pump fisted, jumped, and pa-Virgined my way to Superbass and Pursuit of Happiness. That darn DJ kept playing all the good songs it was so hard not to dance. I was dressed for dinner at Barcino, didn't think I'd end up at The Urbn (you guys have to check it out, its amazing).

And that to me, my friends, is making the most out of life. It doesn't always have to be grand like shooting yourself off a cliff in the middle of nowhere, sometimes its the little things. 

Like asking to have a photo taken with Kean Cipriano, only you're kissing him on the cheek.


My Stupid Love Song

So, I sort of wrote a song 5 months ago as a Birthday Gift. It was the first song I ever wrote, EVER - that I finally finished. I was so inspired. Ha! And again, I didn't tweak the codes or anything, so thank God for Garageband's Loop Tracks. 

I hope you like it. This still makes me smile. In spite of everything. 

You really have taken such a huge part of me. God knows.



Something's been bothering me these days. I've always wanted to talk about it but I thought, considering how conservative my blogging vocabulary still is (really?), I should keep it to myself. But I can't. I'm sorry if I end up sounding too blunt, but I have to get it out there.

So, Sex. People say "Sex is just Sex", but I don't really see the meaning to that. How can sex just be sex? How can you do it without any emotional attachment? I can never bring myself to do such a thing.

I'm not being a hypocrite. I have thought about sleeping with Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Who hasn't? I mean, I am infatuated with JGL. Are you kidding me? But seriously - to casually hook up with someone? Never have I ever thought of considering it. The idea had crossed my mind in the past, but I would shudder at the thought of someone who I barely know, touching me...kissing me. Its just wrong. 

They say its part of being "human", to feel lust towards the opposite sex. Giving in to this itch is considered normal. I just never understood the whole thing. Still don't. 

There is no "benefit" in being "Friends with Benefits". Sooner or later someone's gonna break. That, or you both realize how everything was a complete waste of time. Yes, you had your fun, but then what? Is this something you can look back to, when you're all saggy, surrounded by your grandchildren? 

I would rather have stories of how I loved and ended up hurt, rather than stories of countless of mornings waking up in someone else's bed just for the heck of it. 

Fool around all you want, but at the end of the day, you know what you need. It always comes down to love.


But how can people still want love when the sex part comes easy? When connecting with the opposite sex doesn't really matter anymore? The attraction's there but it won't go any deeper than a kiddie pool. Purely physical. If people think they can have this for the rest of their lives, how can one think of their future in a deeper sense? 

Everything comes easy. Everything but love.


Who's Ready For Awesomeness?

Also known as... BLOGGERS UNITED?
Ooooh, I AM!!!

So, I'll see you guys there?

Mark your calendars! December 15, people! I know I haven't been doing any Fashion-related posts, thanks to...nevermind. Lol. But my friends definitely got my back cos they didn't even hesitate to still make me part of this even if I won't have a booth (I will be signing up for a booth in the future though, that's for sure).

I am so excited because I'm finally going to see my friends again, and meet Fashion Bloggers I've been acquainted with through the intarwebs! I'm so happy! I really look forward to this.

I can't wait!


Come to Momma

Selective Amnesia. Try as I may, but I can never, I will never be able to forget. Sometimes defined as the "unwillingness to remember certain events", and boy, would I be so lucky to have this trait. Imagine forgetting the beautiful memories you'd achingly wish to relive, as you lie in bed, knowing there are far more better things to think about - like finally making that appointment to take your cats to the clinic for their quarterly check-up, or scolding yourself for forgetting to get your milk supply for the week. 

The world has far worse problems than mine, but what about people like me who desperately need amnesia in their lives? I'm stuck. It was like this tweet from Rooni that I read, which perfectly describes what I feel, and it says : 

" I want to be happy. In order to be happy, I must let go. If I let go, I will be sad, and hence, not happy. There's no way out."


My thoughts exactly. Usually I'm more optimistic and understanding about this - I mean, the real reason why I'm writing this. On most days I don't regret my decisions, but when it hurts too much... I just end up wishing things didn't change.

On most days, I wish you'd know what I'm talking about.


The Chronicles of Restlessness

And then confusion started to set in. "Where am I?", she asked. No one answered. Is this still part of the dream? Has she finally woken to reality? "What is reality anyway?", asked the small voice at the back of her head. She carried on.

Wait a minute. She wanted to be here. Wait, don't wake her up. Let her continue on this road she dared to go to. Did she fall into a hole of some sort? "A Rabbithole?" the voice asked. "Right, who am I then? Alice?",she chuckled, seemingly enjoying another one of those conversations she had with herself.

A sudden rush of emotions sets in her tummy. "The butterflies", she said, and a bit of a flashback plays in her head. He had taken her hand, she followed him with all her heart, with everything she had, and didn't have. Biting her lip, her heart raced faster and faster and faster, wanting nothing else but to be where this boy had promised her to be. She didn't mind, she had him, and that was all she needed.

"But where is he now?", the voice interrupts. "I don't know", she answered. "But I can feel him here...somewhere." Her throat's running dry, and her heart's pounding through her chest. "Where is he?", she said under her breath. 

There was a mix of fear and excitement filling her. Fear of not seeing him again, and the excitement of finally feeling his skin under her fingers.

"Some bittersweet feeling this is", the voice said. "And its all worth it", she replied.

"Let's hope so", the voice answered.



You know the feeling, like... all your life, you've held on to this love, separate from the one you give to your family, friends, your first love, your great love. Sure, you never love a person the same way you loved another, but there's just this love, the one that breaks you. The core shaking kind. You feel like this is what you've held on to since you were born. And then you let it go, and it destroys you, but restores you.

Its this crazy whirlwind of all these emotions you never thought you could possibly feel at the same time. And people won't understand, of course. Society has barricaded our minds with its concepts of how things should be. I think I have jumped over this barrier for awhile now. I'm in my own little bubble. Loving it, hating it. Savoring it. Enjoying it. Regretting it (for a brief 5 seconds). Its a cycle. An addicting cycle. The very fiber it weaves are from threads stored in a higher shelf, the one you're not meant to reach. But I took a ladder, and climbed, and reached. And fell. And loved.

The depth of this love is unattainable by other minds. If you've never been there, you'll never understand. If you have, its totally different than yours. Its not for the same reasons. In the eyes of others its all the same. But you and I know better. We pushed through, against all odds. And boy, the adrenaline rush we get every time. Is that what gets us hooked? 

I don't know. But I'm glued.



It was so perfect. It was perfect. It was flawless. It was so perfect.

This song could not have been playing at the most perfect time. It was perfect. It was so perfect. 

Hello at 3:50 A.M.



She's been through a ton of cliches in her life, but this - this she never thought would happen. 

He was an answer to a question that echoed through the confines of her empty room, but it was too late... or was it? Did he come at a perfect time in her life? Did she walk in in white at the wrong day, to the wrong crowd?

Society would say "he was a wrong turn", but her thoughts veered to a different direction. No one else would understand her but herself, and her once empty room, which would probably answer her back, should she find herself in it.

He was the flaw she needed to live a perfect life. He sits there in the dark, clutching a small gas lamp. Oddly, he does not complain of the heat touching his skin. She celebrates as she shares this side of the room with him, admiring the colors it projects.

She cannot imagine a day without him standing next to her, there in her head. She will never bid him goodbye.


Trust Issues

I have now learned the painful consequence of trusting too much. The less people know, the better. In the end, people are just going to use the information you shared with them against you. See, they will never understand. NEVER.

Its my life after all. If I get hurt, I get hurt. I know what I'm doing. Nothing I do will, or should affect you. Why does it have to be so hard to understand? I'm not a little girl anymore. I got this. Yeah its not easy, yes I look stupid...or rather AM stupid.

But I got this.


An Open Letter to the Future Me

04 November 2012 / 3:45  P.M.

Dear Abbie,

I wonder where you are right now, and what you're doing. Are you still living in the Middle East? Have you settled in the Philippines? I'm at the office as I type this letter. You know, one of those gloomy days you had back in the day. Sitting on your ass, staring blankly at almost anything you set your eyes on. The  weather looks beautiful too, by the way - which is very rare, if  you remember. Its windy, and you can see the trees swaying from side to side, and the sky is a sad gray. Kind of like you today.

I don't know how to explain to you how different things feel for you right now. Or is that something you don't want to remember anymore? Are you smiling looking back at these days, or have you thrown them away, stored in a box marked "Eternal Sunshine Material" somewhere in your head?

I wonder how you're feeling right now, reading this. Looking back on the day you thought of writing it. All the while I can't even tell myself if I was wishing you are in a better place than this Abbie, I don't even know what "better" is anymore. You have no idea how lost I am. Or do you? Maybe you do. Maybe you're laughing at me right now. I hope you're not...or I don't know.

Have you figured it all out already, Abbie? Are you doing what you want to with your life, are you where you want to be? You've been merely just existing these days, Abbie. You've  done things that killed you and brought you back to life at the same damn time and you're so proud of it, of finally attaining bliss. Do you still feel the same way about those things, Abbie? Or has it changed? 

Will it ever get better? Tell me it will. Right now you know what your heart wanted, your brain just won't entertain the thought because its heartbreakingly beautiful...but also improbable. And  right now, you hate yourself for it. Do you still hate yourself for the same reason? Or has that changed, too?

Seriously, I hope you could give me something. Anything from the future...an assurance, a promise, will I like where I'm going? What's my tomorrow going to be like, Abbie? Will I go around in circles for awhile? Stay in heaven for a day or two in a month and get bitchslapped by reality over and over for the rest? Is it worth it like I believed it was? 

Have I just been making it all up in my head, Abbie? TELL ME because its driving me crazy. Its the reason why I can't sleep at night. 

Tell me my sadness has not gotten to me, has not swallowed me whole? Tell me it won't change me, what I believe in, and my ideals. Tell me that I'm wrong, that the things I thought existed, actually does. And that there is hope. 

And that I'm not stupid to still hope.

Please, Abbie.


Maybe Its Blinding

When faced with the decision on whether to go with a person's good side and bad side? How do you know when to go for the former, and the latter? Has it ever occurred to you that looking at the bright side could be blinding? And that everyone does have a bad side, but knowing this reality does not change the fact that there are bad people - bad people who have made it their choice to be bad, not because its part of being human, as they say.

When is too much...too much? How do you know the limit of one person when it comes to character? Does it depend on the situation? 

When people tell you about someone you know very well, will you believe them? Will you allow their idea of this person cloud the one you have in your head (and heart)? Its confusing. How do you know if its worth holding on to if you feel that you're the only one who sees that person this way? Does it make you stupid? Or hopeful? Or both? 


Life Is Funny. But Nobody's Laughing.

My fingers won't let the words out. 

There. I said it. Stared at my laptop for what seemed like an eternity. Waiting for the thoughts to finally translate to words. Isn't it funny how sometimes your "thoughts" and the "words" coming out of your mouth (or in this case, fingers - lol), are two different languages? Most of the time we say, "If only you spoke fluent Arabic, you'd know how awesome this song is!". It could be the exact same meaning, or translation, but it doesn't speak depths as it does in its original language. Sometimes, even the thoughts in your head ain't enough. Feelings are tricky. What's the word for partially annoyed and partially amazed? ... See what I mean? 

That's how I feel right now, writing this entry. Currently listening to Chris Brown's "Don't Judge Me", imagining that I'm driving through the orange-lit streets on Manila, with no destination in mind, all these thoughts clouding my brain. And of course, its perfect in my head, because there's no trace of the usual Metro traffic. But then again, its 1:00 A.M. 

Obviously, my life has made a hundred eighty degree turn. I feel like a dysfunctional compass. Spinning, spinning everywhere, pointing to different directions. North becomes South, East becomes West, and I am stuck in this hoola-baloo of fun Labyrinths that have no end, really. One of life's jokes that never really hit a funny bone in my body. Here, pick a finger. Maybe it'll help.

Today is an emotional day for me. Suppressed it, tried so hard to. 

I love my flat. My flat has seen a lot of people pack their bags. Some meant to come back. Some never to be seen around its confines. Today, I'm watching someone else pack up. 

I remember when I had to pack for college. My Mom and had a very intense month. We were arguing all the time, but turns out it was separation anxiety. One afternoon, while filling up another box, I saw her stand by my door. She was looking at me for a long time, and I didn't notice that she was crying until she let out a sob. 

Tomorrow I wear my big girl pants. I feel like its a new year for me. I have a very strong feeling that this will positively bring change in my life. But its sad, too. 

I'm confused. Sometimes I don't know if I'm a.) Trying to look at the Bright Side b.) Blindly convincing myself, "This is good! This is very good!" when in reality, its the other way around or c.) Its actually the truth. It IS a good thing, whatever is happening. 

Really? Being numb to the shhh life brings is a good thing? When was is it ever a good thing to not feel anything? Isn't this something a person should avoid? 

Sometimes I wish I could blatantly put my life out there. Not for the heck of it, but because I believe that whatever's happening with me right now, is definitely worthy of...blogging! Because I know I am not alone. 

Its like a sine wave right now. Also, like a Liz Phair song. The heck. 


"Jump", She Said

"Jump." But her mind wandered days past that moment. Her, falling. People screaming. Traumatized by something they could not prevent, but was bound to happen.

What if she survived? That would be so hard to rise from. What if she ends up a vegetable? Loses her memory? That would be good, actually - if she did. What if she loses an arm, a leg...

But what if that was the end for her? People will move on, of course. They have no other choice. Will it be worth leaving everything behind?

What if she has nothing to live for? She knows what its like to feel bliss? She's been to Heaven and back. What if that's enough for one lifetime? But she's not willing to move further, not having it.

What if this is it. How does one person move from this. She sees nothing. There is nothing left. Everything was taken away. Everything was given. Everything was received. That's it. Nothing more.

She's in so deep, she doesn't even know if there is a way out. Is she supposed to leave this hole? She wanted to be in it in the first place.

She has nothing. She has no one. 

"Jump", she says. "Just jump. One way or the other, you have to go. There is nothing here for you."


86 Charlie

I'll admit, I have to thank Bella Ferraro for introducing Birdy to me. When I heard her do her rendition of Birdy's cover of Bon Iver's Skinny Love (ha), I was blown away. Although I love Birdy's added flavor, this particular song of hers is what made me say, "I'm sold".

Don't you love how sad, and beautiful and heartfelt this is? This song makes me so sad but I'm drawn to it! Probably because I'm masochistic like that.


Imaginary Foes

What if there are no such things as antagonists, just misunderstood people? What if the real culprit is the person we see on the mirror? What if the only thing that is stopping ourselves from being what we want, from having what we want, from doing what we want - is ourselves? And the fear that it might be the biggest mistake of our lives? What if the Antagonist is just someone we made up in our heads? Someone to put on the other side of the scale. Someone that can bring balance. What if they were never really there...they never really existed?

What if we're just a bunch of antagonists in this world, trying to find the good in another? What if we're all antagonists in blue suits and red capes, believing that we may be the hope of the world... and what if nobody sees it but us? 


Like You Wanna Be Loved

One of my most recent obsessions is Ed Sheeran and his beautiful music. You can imagine how psyched I was to see him on the telly performing live for the closing ceremony of this year's Olympics in London.

One of my favorite songs of his is this song, because the lyrics get me. You should also try listening to One Night and Small Bump. I'm sure you've heard Lego House a plenty, but in case you haven't, then add it to your list.

In the words of Sadie Saxton, "You're welcome". But then who am I kidding. You already probably know the lad and I've just made a complete ass of myself acting all cool. 



Holy Beetle Bugs

Its been a while since I last bombarded my blog with self-portraits! Thought I'd share my most recent photos.

Spent two consecutive afternoons tanning. Totally loving my skin tone. I really wish I was born tan!

What a Wore : A Mint Green Zara Dress, Asos Turban and Fork Hat, Asos Earrings and Necklace, A Loose, Grey Mango Top, and Topshop Pants.

I am seriously loving all this weight I gained! If only I knew how to gain weight like this back in the day, it would've solved what I was most frustrated about then.

I'm having such a hard time looking at old photos because I could barely recognize myself. And I hate looking at them! Too disappointing, how thin I was.

On a random note, been uploading old photos on my Instagram because I'm starting to back-up all my photos from my Multiply account. I heard they'll be shutting down effective December 1. If you have an account and haven't heard, you should start saving your videos, blog posts and pictures!

Have an amazing week, everyone.

P.S. Pardon me and my late obsession with BOKEHS. 


Here, Have Kit Cat

Taking a break from the self-imposed drama (which will commence right after this post so you can skip that), let me share this 5 day old video of a cute Siamese cat singing the Game of Thrones score.

I cannot count the number of lols I made while watching this.

God bless the internet.


Who Needs A Map When You Want To Get Lost

My grandfather was in a coma for three days (and God gave us a miracle because he regained consciousness yesterday morning). 

My grandfather (my Dad's Pop) lost his wife, my grandmother , eleven years ago. We rely on close family relatives who live nearby and a couple of house helpers (who we are eternally grateful for) to look after him.

I only get to be in my 20s for 10 years. I read somewhere that we have to make the most out of our 20s because its the time we get to be selfish. With only N years left before the big 3-0, I couldn't help but wonder what I'm making of my life. 

And boy, here I go again with the questions. The endless sentences of quandaries popping up in my head (mostly in my face).

Do I want to plan things from now, or do I wait until I'm that age to take things seriously? Because I'm seriously lost. And I'm okay with that. And that's what scares me. I don't have the luxury to sit on my ass and act like a citizen of Bohemia because I'm going to be a Mother one day. I always end up worrying about my unborn child/ren- I'm mostly psyched for the things I'd teach them, and the silly things they'd end up saying when they start to talk. For the most part, I'm also scared shitless on what they're gonna be teaching me. Those life lessons that you pass around your kids, and they to you.

And again my train of thought has deceived me from what I'm supposed to be writing about. Life. And how it's scaring me. I'm turning into someone I never thought I would, and surprisingly I am not appalled. But the thought of life itself and that each day passes and you could never get it back? ... Its such a huge thing to get your head around. 

You've turned a day old but its also the youngest you'll ever be until another dawn breaks into your sky.

When I reach my Grandfather's age, who's gonna take care of me? I was trying to slip my foot onto my sandals earlier and I was struggling to wiggle it in and then suddenly I'm in my 90s, panicking, trying to find someone who could help me but feeling bad about being a pain in the bum for the smallest things. And all I wanted was to put on my decent pair of sandals.

I feel bad for my Grandad. Its been bothering me all day and yet I haven't shown of trace of intense worry to my Dad, who I am sure is feeling worse than I am right now. The last thing I want my Grandfather to feel is that he's a burden to anyone in the family. 

I miss him. I really do. And it sucks because we're all the way here. Thankfully I know that God is ALWAYS with him, and us. And I'm always praying for the best. Reality can be so ugly sometimes so I'm reviving the hopeful in me, the one that seemed to have been lost somewhere, maybe dying underneath all this self-imposed drama.

I just pray for the best. Your prayers will mean a lot to me and my family, too. Nevermind my whining. All these pent-up emotions keep shooting out of nowhere.


Its Always Darkest Before the Dawn

And here I go again, thinking out loud.

I've seen Before Sunrise several times but I've never got around to finishing it. Last week, while doing my nails - I decide to finally finish the movie that didn't have an ending in my head. (Also, let me state the obvious that it is definitely one of the best movies of our time. Ever.) 

I didn't understand the feelings I had while watching this. To be completely honest with you, I kept wondering what the heck I've been doing my whole life, like maybe I should get out there and experience things like this. Here you have two strangers who have possibly lived their entire lives on one day. Seriously, the simplicity of the whole thing to me felt so grand. Sometimes the simplest things in life are the hardest ones to get.

I know, I should know better. But how can I be this old yet be so immature when it comes to my ideals on love? I feel like Celine in '95, so full of hope. It seems like regardless of the many times I've been hurt, I still end up feeling all innocent, but at the same time I get number by the minute.

Its the same question, ringing in my head over and over and over. Am I asking for too much? Is this so hard to do? Because I'm not very hard to please. In fact, I appreciate the smallest of things. Should I be the one to adjust? Should I let go of my wants, and needs in this aspect and just...settle? Is it too late for me to be asking these questions? Am I the one with the problem? 

Today I woke up and realized that I didn't know anything at all. Everything I ever believed in was a lie, or something that never even existed. 

I'm not even hoping for an out of this world kind of declaration of love. Hollywood has made it so hard for us to dream about it these days. We don't want to be dreamers our whole lives. It comes with a very high price, and yet its all I am. But contrary to that, all I'm after is the supposed simplicity of love, that should come with any relationship. That effortless spark between two people, that should have been there in the first place all along.

No matter how invincible we feel when we're in love, believe it or not - we all have our limits. There is only so much we can do, until the love we give doesn't seem to be worth it anymore. Words lose its meaning, the spark begins to die. Their touch is no longer electrifying every single nerve in your body. And its no one's fault. It suddenly feels like it was never meant to happen...or last.

How do you live with something like that for the rest of your life?


I'm Lost But I'm Savoring It

Currently listening to the Early Winter's "Count Me In", which I heard on The Lucky One. This song got to me for some reason, I remember feeling down after hearing it over and over. Like I'm in a dream... a really beautiful dream, but I know I'm going to wake up later. And you feel so helpless, wanting to do something about it. About staying in the dream. 

It triggers all this bliss hiding under all the crap in my head, causing me to feel all giddy, like a teenager - but then I know, but can't accept... that...

I don't know. Staying in this state will hurt me later. But its better than not ever knowing this feeling. I'm happy being here. I think...its all I ever wanted.

But how am I gonna live with this pain later? Is knowing what it feels like to be this happy enough to keep me...happy my entire life? Knowing that I have this one thing to hold on to, and be proud of?

If only I could give you an in-depth insight of my life and feelings...I would in a heartbeat.

Okay...all I know is I think of this and I smile. My heart smiles, my tummy is suddenly filled with butterflies and my mind convinces me that life is good. 

I'll stay.


I Don't Have The Answers Yet

But one day I will. I am slowly learning the craft of taking each day at a time. I hear the phrase "Life is too precious", "Don't waste time", so much and you're all like, "Yeah, yeah. I know". And it just sucks balls when you realize that you really don't. Its like a slap in the face, with the now obvious irony that life is in the same vicinity of those countless Calculus equations you never really got your head around. All of a sudden, you find yourself at a path you didn't know you'd be on, like suffering from memory loss and having no recall of what happened before all this. Like you were falling, falling, getting used to the feeling of falling then you suddenly get to your destination and you ask the most basic question you'd think you know the answer to, like "Who am I and what am I doing here?"

Of  course you'd find yourself panicking sooner or later, and you feel the pressure of having the need to answer to yourself. 

You know one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite movies, Elizabethtown, when Kirsten and Orlando were on the phone and they say to each other "I think I've been asleep most of my life" (and the latter agrees)? Its exactly how I feel at the moment. Like, after everything I've gone through and felt at this point, my eyes have started to open...and REALLY SEE. Sure, life is good. But it doesn't necessarily translate to "life is easy".

A day can turn out really bad, but then you look up and the sky is at its prettiest. You can think its the world's way of insulting you, but looking at the bright side, it could be telling you that everything will be peachy sooner or later.

Speaking of which, I realize that I may have been blinded because I look at the bright side way too much. It wasn't until my friend Justin pointed out that its "a good thing to be blinded of" that I realized he was right. Looking at the bright side of that statement, he was. How clever.

Some people call me stupid. I call myself HOPEFUL. Sometimes we need to think this way to get by. We are our own kind of crazy, but life can be pretty ruthless sometimes, we gotta do what we gotta do.

I hate the word "moving on". I always get this notion that "moving on" literally means "forgetting", but I realized that it isn't supposed to be like that. Moving on doesn't necessarily mean forgetting. It just means you do what you can to survive. Feel what you need to feel - don't lie to yourself.

Sometimes, great things happen in your life. It could be at 5, 11, 16, 80. But when that happens, and it sinks in - all these indescribable bliss you feel, I'll tell you one thing : its what gets you by. You're not even scared of leaving this earth because you feel so fulfilled. So blessed. And believe me, those moments...that fraction of a second that you feel like your heart is about to explode out of your chest, your mind is clouded with nothing but sunshine, and you feel like breathing in rainbows (whatever that means).



When Inspiration Hits

Second song I made using Garageband. I just might share the first one (or not, cos it was a birthday gift, lol), which is quite similar to this . I'm new to the whole song writing/composing thing and being a loser with no knowledge of playing any instrument, I haven't really tweaked the chords/tempo of the loop tracks so...go easy on me! Wrote this in like an hour. Recorded the song in two takes, and I'm too excited to upload it so I didn't bother making it sound perfect.

I hope you like it somehow. I told myself I'd make more, hopefully better ones. I might re-record this later and update this post. 


My Boys Forever

Here's a second video I edited of my Boys, compiling some of their older videos - taken by the crew and their friends, and of course, my videos. Seriously, only God knows how much I love them and support them, and believe in them not just as dancers, but as people. They are so special to me...like you have no idea.

I love my JDC from Abbie Almasco on Vimeo.

If only I could, I would give and do anything to make their dreams come true. Because they really deserve it. They're going places, I just know it.


Love, So Much Love

I was surprised TWICE on my birthday! First was by my officemates, who I consider my second family. And the second was by Nof, Mark and my Boys. I couldn't get over how much loved I felt that day. I was overwhelmed!

So I compiled these videos, all taken through Nof's iPhone.

I kept saying this was one of the best birthdays ever. The love I received that day, I felt so undeserving of being this blessed by God to be surrounded by people like this. 

Anyway, I hope you enjoy these videos. Words can never suffice to the love, bliss, and gratefulness I felt.

I love them all with my whole heart.


As Easy As 1, 2, 3?

(originally written on the 7th of June 2012)

"Am I a hopeless romantic or am I just running out of things to think about?", I asked myself. Because nothing else can affect us the way Love can, and I mean that in a good, and bad way. With that being said, then you probably know why I'm back here, writing about Love. Wagas ang pag-iisip, pananakit, at pag-iyak dahil sa pag-ibig.

I don't want to die having questions about love. These days I realized that I fully did not understand the meaning of it. Or maybe that's just me being bitter. 

See, I saw this on Pinterest about two days ago :

They say you love each person in your life differently. No matter how many relationships you end up being in, you will love them, but never the same way. I believe that.

I remember the way I felt about my first love, and its something I still ache to feel until this very day. Its a mind-blowing kind of love, something so pure that you're willing to do anything to keep it. I don't know if I talk this way because apparently, people always want something they can't have, but I don't know.

For some reason, I feel like the stupid, illogical girl who believes that relationships and feelings based on "Love at First Sight" lasts longest, and is the strongest kind of emotion that there is. I remember reading in Brida, how you just know that you've found/met your soulmate. That's how I felt, for three different guys in my life, all on different levels,  but nonetheless the same spark. The same longing.

I definitely agree with this text. But what if mad, passionate, extraordinary  love is something that is too perfect to exist? What if its only meant to run its course, just enough to make you the happiest person alive or enough to have something to go back to? "Don't cry cos its over, smile cos it happened"? And that's what makes a great love story. Fairy Tales do not exist. If they do, then they do...and then it ends.

Do you prefer a love that is maddening you with desire, a burning passion for the other? Or do you want something that is calm, peaceful...or is that settling? Am I confused? Or going through a phase?

Maybe Fairy Tales are meant to come true, but sooner or later you get back to reality. Is it still practical to live in a dream these days? Has love become a lesser priority? 

See, I thought I outgrew this whole thought on the kind of love that I wanted to have. But what if I feel like...its something I'm never gonna have, but I still ache for it?

I feel trapped. Am I asking for too much? To be swept off my feet, to make every kiss feel like the first and the last time, knee-weakening, heart racing, and all that? Maybe I don't deserve that? Maybe in this generation, it no longer exists? To make the little things matter, to want to wake up feeling like you want to cry because you're so happy and you feel like you're drowning in love?

What is happening to me?


A Kiss You May Be Missing

Kisses. Did you remember your first one? The intense pounding on your chest, how you can't wait for it to happen but at the same time there's this voice screaming in your head, saying you aren't ready, that brushing your teeth three times wasn't enough, let alone that you gargled with mouthwash afterwards and excessively popped what feels like the entire stock of breath mints on the candy alley at the local supermarket.

That feeling. No matter how imperfect that moment is, the second your lips land on his...or hers, the world stops and nothing else makes sense.

You've probably read a hundred descriptions on first kisses, but none of them really sum up the intense feeling of bliss, that I'm sure still leaves your cheeks all red whenever you think of it.

But believe me, there is another kind of kiss that you will never forget. A kind of kiss that you just HAVE to experience (the best experiences are almost always the unplanned ones).

Sure, all kisses have the same effect especially if its with someone who feel so strongly for. But among all these kisses, one will stand out. 

Its like...you've never felt so alive, but at the same time, you feel like dying, because you're burning with so much passion for each other. All of a sudden you ask yourself if you've ever really kissed anyone before that. Knee weakening, intense, these words don't really sum it up. NOTHING CAN DEFINE IT. It makes you feel like kissing is all you ever want to do, forever.

A kiss that is filled with so much desire  (like you can't even imagine), but the innocent kind. And honestly, you don't even think about doing anything else. JUST KISSING. It feels as satisfying and as completing as taking everything to the next level.

If I had one day to go back to, it would be the day I felt that kiss. And I would do anything to just stay there and relive that moment, over and over, and over, and over, and over...


Call Your Girlfriend (Acappella Cover)

It was 3:00 A.M. and I couldn't sleep. Was it Skyrim? Adventure Time? Heineken? I don't know who to blame it on, but my mind was wide awake and my body was dead tired. Whenever BROWNOUT struck, my cousins and I would lay in our beds and sing our hearts out until we fell asleep. So, because this song was playing in my head the whole day, thanks to Lennon and Maisy Stella's cover of Robyn/Erato's "CALL YOUR GIRLFRIEND", and because I could...well, never mind that. LOL.

I did one take on each vocal part so please excuse me for the booboos. I'm no pro, just thought I'd give this a try because I've always wanted to!


And Then It Grew Silent

It was between heavy breathing and calm sighing. That's how her life has been. The perfect balance of a...confusing concoction of emotions.

She stared out of her window, lost in her thoughts, drowning in her miseries, unable to control any of them - heart, mind. Both wanting different things. Living in the moment, thinking of the future. 

A life that was never really hers. A path she didn't really have to take.

She has no regrets, but a lot of pain. No questions, but a ton of answers. Needing to let go, but not wanting to.

Her heart beats faster. Thoughts of flawless lips, intense moments, not caring about the world outside her bubble. The color of skin under dim lights, the scent coming off of her memories.

She found herself in the balcony. Physically there. That's all. Everything is in black and white. Slow motion. Her hair carefully blowing in the wind. She closes her eyes, waiting for it to come.

The feeling of pain. The indescribable need to have it all back. The laughter, the love...the sun.

They all seem farther than they were. Was it all just a dream? Has she been making it all up in her head? Where are the actions of these words, these promises?

Trying to make it all worth it. Only to find herself alone. Unable to understand things happening around her. No feeling of hate for people who instantly judges her, thinking they know what she's going through. Thinking they know EVERYTHING.

Her honesty and transparency, that doesn't really help. The only regret she has is trying to make them understand. But they won't. No one would. 

Torn between wishing it was all just a dream, and being thankful that it actually did happen.

Never has she once felt this way in her life. Suddenly feeling so unsure of the things she believed in, people she trusted.

"Its not the end", they say. "If its not okay, its not the end". But all she wants is for everything to end.