Who Am I? Just Guess!
Love the "Bring It On" reference right now. In a situation like this, its hardly something you cheer for. Not even close.
I know I've learned my lesson somehow, venting out to real people and not my laptop, writing about my life in my journal, but there's definitely something therapeutic about blogging a few things regarding your personal life and sharing them with your readers, or whoever comes across your entries.
A couple of weeks ago, I read an e-mail from a reader (who I'd like to consider as a friend), and it really touched me that one of my entries got to her. Honestly, I felt like I wasn't alone. Knowing that God never left me helps a lot (more than enough), but knowing that other people get me too, that's like a bonus. Sometimes, all we want is to be understood.
I thought I was past the Mid-life crisis stage so imagine my surprise when I woke up one day and felt like I had absolutely no idea where my life was headed. I'm 20-hmm-hmm - and clueless. What I'd like to do in 2 years (that's when we settle in the Philippines)? I stare out into space. You know what's even funnier? I don't even think I'd like to leave Saudi Arabia. YES, BELIEVE IT.
What is it about Saudi Arabia that I love so much? The simplicity of life here. I can stay at home for days and not feel so bored, and if I do, I can simply just hang out with my friends, drive around, go to sea sides and talk for hours, chill in each others' houses, go to malls... ALL THESE SIMPLE THINGS. And life just goes by, one day at a time, in its own pace, there's no pressure to do whatever... In the Philippines, it feels like, there's just this need to establish yourself... and I find that tiring to do.
And the scary part is this, you guys - I don't even know if I want to raise a family of my own. Do I want kids?... OH MY GOODNESS. There, I said it. I can't believe this is how lost I am. I guess its because these past few days there were like, a lot of things going on...and it just made me realize that I was missing out on so much. Mid-life crisis in its finest.
Is this wrong? WHY NOW?
The thing is, I know what God wants for me. I do, I know He wants the best of the best of the best, and I believe its what I have right now... But... my brain is crowded with so many "What ifs". AND THAT BLOWS.
I love that my friends tell me, "Just be strong, Abbie", "Its not okay, but this is life". And the acceptance of it all just hurts too much. Surprisingly, its also pretty easy when you think of it. Its easy, but its not.
Hyperventilating again. Hee.
I want my Parallel Universe. I want it now.