And Then It Grew Silent

It was between heavy breathing and calm sighing. That's how her life has been. The perfect balance of a...confusing concoction of emotions.

She stared out of her window, lost in her thoughts, drowning in her miseries, unable to control any of them - heart, mind. Both wanting different things. Living in the moment, thinking of the future. 

A life that was never really hers. A path she didn't really have to take.

She has no regrets, but a lot of pain. No questions, but a ton of answers. Needing to let go, but not wanting to.

Her heart beats faster. Thoughts of flawless lips, intense moments, not caring about the world outside her bubble. The color of skin under dim lights, the scent coming off of her memories.

She found herself in the balcony. Physically there. That's all. Everything is in black and white. Slow motion. Her hair carefully blowing in the wind. She closes her eyes, waiting for it to come.

The feeling of pain. The indescribable need to have it all back. The laughter, the love...the sun.

They all seem farther than they were. Was it all just a dream? Has she been making it all up in her head? Where are the actions of these words, these promises?

Trying to make it all worth it. Only to find herself alone. Unable to understand things happening around her. No feeling of hate for people who instantly judges her, thinking they know what she's going through. Thinking they know EVERYTHING.

Her honesty and transparency, that doesn't really help. The only regret she has is trying to make them understand. But they won't. No one would. 

Torn between wishing it was all just a dream, and being thankful that it actually did happen.

Never has she once felt this way in her life. Suddenly feeling so unsure of the things she believed in, people she trusted.

"Its not the end", they say. "If its not okay, its not the end". But all she wants is for everything to end.


Its Funny ... But Not At All.

In all honesty, I no longer understand where I'm headed. In the past N months, my life has been completely ... blurry. I never really imagined it would be like this. I thought I had it all figured out, not having it all figured out. Like...I was okay with not knowing what was gonna happen. Future unclear...

But now it seems like there's nothing out there for me. Or this is just the depression talking. 

I end up hurting some of my friends, people who mean a lot to me, they end up letting me be for a period of time... and I'm not okay with that. 

And then I start to realize that maybe people aren't the way I know them, like... maybe I made a mistake trusting them, I don't know. 

I've made choices I'm not proud of, but choices I don't regret...just hurting some people along the way. How can you ever regret something that made you completely blissful?

I just see no point in anything right now. It feels completely pointless to me. 

What sucks is, its starting to sink in that .... I'm in this alone. And maybe there's nothing else to do about it but just live with it. There's no one to talk to, and anyone else will judge me, point fingers, make me feel worse... what's the use.

Keeping it in should help, but it doesn't. These feelings are eating me whole.

Many days, I'd wish not to wake up. But then maybe I don't deserve that kind of peace. 

I don't know. 

And I thought I did.