Its Funny ... But Not At All.

In all honesty, I no longer understand where I'm headed. In the past N months, my life has been completely ... blurry. I never really imagined it would be like this. I thought I had it all figured out, not having it all figured out. Like...I was okay with not knowing what was gonna happen. Future unclear...

But now it seems like there's nothing out there for me. Or this is just the depression talking. 

I end up hurting some of my friends, people who mean a lot to me, they end up letting me be for a period of time... and I'm not okay with that. 

And then I start to realize that maybe people aren't the way I know them, like... maybe I made a mistake trusting them, I don't know. 

I've made choices I'm not proud of, but choices I don't regret...just hurting some people along the way. How can you ever regret something that made you completely blissful?

I just see no point in anything right now. It feels completely pointless to me. 

What sucks is, its starting to sink in that .... I'm in this alone. And maybe there's nothing else to do about it but just live with it. There's no one to talk to, and anyone else will judge me, point fingers, make me feel worse... what's the use.

Keeping it in should help, but it doesn't. These feelings are eating me whole.

Many days, I'd wish not to wake up. But then maybe I don't deserve that kind of peace. 

I don't know. 

And I thought I did.