I Don't Have The Answers Yet
But one day I will. I am slowly learning the craft of taking each day at a time. I hear the phrase "Life is too precious", "Don't waste time", so much and you're all like, "Yeah, yeah. I know". And it just sucks balls when you realize that you really don't. Its like a slap in the face, with the now obvious irony that life is in the same vicinity of those countless Calculus equations you never really got your head around. All of a sudden, you find yourself at a path you didn't know you'd be on, like suffering from memory loss and having no recall of what happened before all this. Like you were falling, falling, getting used to the feeling of falling then you suddenly get to your destination and you ask the most basic question you'd think you know the answer to, like "Who am I and what am I doing here?"
Of course you'd find yourself panicking sooner or later, and you feel the pressure of having the need to answer to yourself.
You know one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite movies, Elizabethtown, when Kirsten and Orlando were on the phone and they say to each other "I think I've been asleep most of my life" (and the latter agrees)? Its exactly how I feel at the moment. Like, after everything I've gone through and felt at this point, my eyes have started to open...and REALLY SEE. Sure, life is good. But it doesn't necessarily translate to "life is easy".
A day can turn out really bad, but then you look up and the sky is at its prettiest. You can think its the world's way of insulting you, but looking at the bright side, it could be telling you that everything will be peachy sooner or later.
Speaking of which, I realize that I may have been blinded because I look at the bright side way too much. It wasn't until my friend Justin pointed out that its "a good thing to be blinded of" that I realized he was right. Looking at the bright side of that statement, he was. How clever.
Some people call me stupid. I call myself HOPEFUL. Sometimes we need to think this way to get by. We are our own kind of crazy, but life can be pretty ruthless sometimes, we gotta do what we gotta do.
I hate the word "moving on". I always get this notion that "moving on" literally means "forgetting", but I realized that it isn't supposed to be like that. Moving on doesn't necessarily mean forgetting. It just means you do what you can to survive. Feel what you need to feel - don't lie to yourself.
Sometimes, great things happen in your life. It could be at 5, 11, 16, 80. But when that happens, and it sinks in - all these indescribable bliss you feel, I'll tell you one thing : its what gets you by. You're not even scared of leaving this earth because you feel so fulfilled. So blessed. And believe me, those moments...that fraction of a second that you feel like your heart is about to explode out of your chest, your mind is clouded with nothing but sunshine, and you feel like breathing in rainbows (whatever that means).