Like You Wanna Be Loved

One of my most recent obsessions is Ed Sheeran and his beautiful music. You can imagine how psyched I was to see him on the telly performing live for the closing ceremony of this year's Olympics in London.

One of my favorite songs of his is this song, because the lyrics get me. You should also try listening to One Night and Small Bump. I'm sure you've heard Lego House a plenty, but in case you haven't, then add it to your list.

In the words of Sadie Saxton, "You're welcome". But then who am I kidding. You already probably know the lad and I've just made a complete ass of myself acting all cool. 



Holy Beetle Bugs

Its been a while since I last bombarded my blog with self-portraits! Thought I'd share my most recent photos.

Spent two consecutive afternoons tanning. Totally loving my skin tone. I really wish I was born tan!

What a Wore : A Mint Green Zara Dress, Asos Turban and Fork Hat, Asos Earrings and Necklace, A Loose, Grey Mango Top, and Topshop Pants.

I am seriously loving all this weight I gained! If only I knew how to gain weight like this back in the day, it would've solved what I was most frustrated about then.

I'm having such a hard time looking at old photos because I could barely recognize myself. And I hate looking at them! Too disappointing, how thin I was.

On a random note, been uploading old photos on my Instagram because I'm starting to back-up all my photos from my Multiply account. I heard they'll be shutting down effective December 1. If you have an account and haven't heard, you should start saving your videos, blog posts and pictures!

Have an amazing week, everyone.

P.S. Pardon me and my late obsession with BOKEHS. 


Here, Have Kit Cat

Taking a break from the self-imposed drama (which will commence right after this post so you can skip that), let me share this 5 day old video of a cute Siamese cat singing the Game of Thrones score.

I cannot count the number of lols I made while watching this.

God bless the internet.


Who Needs A Map When You Want To Get Lost

My grandfather was in a coma for three days (and God gave us a miracle because he regained consciousness yesterday morning). 

My grandfather (my Dad's Pop) lost his wife, my grandmother , eleven years ago. We rely on close family relatives who live nearby and a couple of house helpers (who we are eternally grateful for) to look after him.

I only get to be in my 20s for 10 years. I read somewhere that we have to make the most out of our 20s because its the time we get to be selfish. With only N years left before the big 3-0, I couldn't help but wonder what I'm making of my life. 

And boy, here I go again with the questions. The endless sentences of quandaries popping up in my head (mostly in my face).

Do I want to plan things from now, or do I wait until I'm that age to take things seriously? Because I'm seriously lost. And I'm okay with that. And that's what scares me. I don't have the luxury to sit on my ass and act like a citizen of Bohemia because I'm going to be a Mother one day. I always end up worrying about my unborn child/ren- I'm mostly psyched for the things I'd teach them, and the silly things they'd end up saying when they start to talk. For the most part, I'm also scared shitless on what they're gonna be teaching me. Those life lessons that you pass around your kids, and they to you.

And again my train of thought has deceived me from what I'm supposed to be writing about. Life. And how it's scaring me. I'm turning into someone I never thought I would, and surprisingly I am not appalled. But the thought of life itself and that each day passes and you could never get it back? ... Its such a huge thing to get your head around. 

You've turned a day old but its also the youngest you'll ever be until another dawn breaks into your sky.

When I reach my Grandfather's age, who's gonna take care of me? I was trying to slip my foot onto my sandals earlier and I was struggling to wiggle it in and then suddenly I'm in my 90s, panicking, trying to find someone who could help me but feeling bad about being a pain in the bum for the smallest things. And all I wanted was to put on my decent pair of sandals.

I feel bad for my Grandad. Its been bothering me all day and yet I haven't shown of trace of intense worry to my Dad, who I am sure is feeling worse than I am right now. The last thing I want my Grandfather to feel is that he's a burden to anyone in the family. 

I miss him. I really do. And it sucks because we're all the way here. Thankfully I know that God is ALWAYS with him, and us. And I'm always praying for the best. Reality can be so ugly sometimes so I'm reviving the hopeful in me, the one that seemed to have been lost somewhere, maybe dying underneath all this self-imposed drama.

I just pray for the best. Your prayers will mean a lot to me and my family, too. Nevermind my whining. All these pent-up emotions keep shooting out of nowhere.


Its Always Darkest Before the Dawn

And here I go again, thinking out loud.

I've seen Before Sunrise several times but I've never got around to finishing it. Last week, while doing my nails - I decide to finally finish the movie that didn't have an ending in my head. (Also, let me state the obvious that it is definitely one of the best movies of our time. Ever.) 

I didn't understand the feelings I had while watching this. To be completely honest with you, I kept wondering what the heck I've been doing my whole life, like maybe I should get out there and experience things like this. Here you have two strangers who have possibly lived their entire lives on one day. Seriously, the simplicity of the whole thing to me felt so grand. Sometimes the simplest things in life are the hardest ones to get.

I know, I should know better. But how can I be this old yet be so immature when it comes to my ideals on love? I feel like Celine in '95, so full of hope. It seems like regardless of the many times I've been hurt, I still end up feeling all innocent, but at the same time I get number by the minute.

Its the same question, ringing in my head over and over and over. Am I asking for too much? Is this so hard to do? Because I'm not very hard to please. In fact, I appreciate the smallest of things. Should I be the one to adjust? Should I let go of my wants, and needs in this aspect and just...settle? Is it too late for me to be asking these questions? Am I the one with the problem? 

Today I woke up and realized that I didn't know anything at all. Everything I ever believed in was a lie, or something that never even existed. 

I'm not even hoping for an out of this world kind of declaration of love. Hollywood has made it so hard for us to dream about it these days. We don't want to be dreamers our whole lives. It comes with a very high price, and yet its all I am. But contrary to that, all I'm after is the supposed simplicity of love, that should come with any relationship. That effortless spark between two people, that should have been there in the first place all along.

No matter how invincible we feel when we're in love, believe it or not - we all have our limits. There is only so much we can do, until the love we give doesn't seem to be worth it anymore. Words lose its meaning, the spark begins to die. Their touch is no longer electrifying every single nerve in your body. And its no one's fault. It suddenly feels like it was never meant to happen...or last.

How do you live with something like that for the rest of your life?


I'm Lost But I'm Savoring It

Currently listening to the Early Winter's "Count Me In", which I heard on The Lucky One. This song got to me for some reason, I remember feeling down after hearing it over and over. Like I'm in a dream... a really beautiful dream, but I know I'm going to wake up later. And you feel so helpless, wanting to do something about it. About staying in the dream. 

It triggers all this bliss hiding under all the crap in my head, causing me to feel all giddy, like a teenager - but then I know, but can't accept... that...

I don't know. Staying in this state will hurt me later. But its better than not ever knowing this feeling. I'm happy being here. I think...its all I ever wanted.

But how am I gonna live with this pain later? Is knowing what it feels like to be this happy enough to keep me...happy my entire life? Knowing that I have this one thing to hold on to, and be proud of?

If only I could give you an in-depth insight of my life and feelings...I would in a heartbeat.

Okay...all I know is I think of this and I smile. My heart smiles, my tummy is suddenly filled with butterflies and my mind convinces me that life is good. 

I'll stay.