Who Needs A Map When You Want To Get Lost

My grandfather was in a coma for three days (and God gave us a miracle because he regained consciousness yesterday morning). 

My grandfather (my Dad's Pop) lost his wife, my grandmother , eleven years ago. We rely on close family relatives who live nearby and a couple of house helpers (who we are eternally grateful for) to look after him.

I only get to be in my 20s for 10 years. I read somewhere that we have to make the most out of our 20s because its the time we get to be selfish. With only N years left before the big 3-0, I couldn't help but wonder what I'm making of my life. 

And boy, here I go again with the questions. The endless sentences of quandaries popping up in my head (mostly in my face).

Do I want to plan things from now, or do I wait until I'm that age to take things seriously? Because I'm seriously lost. And I'm okay with that. And that's what scares me. I don't have the luxury to sit on my ass and act like a citizen of Bohemia because I'm going to be a Mother one day. I always end up worrying about my unborn child/ren- I'm mostly psyched for the things I'd teach them, and the silly things they'd end up saying when they start to talk. For the most part, I'm also scared shitless on what they're gonna be teaching me. Those life lessons that you pass around your kids, and they to you.

And again my train of thought has deceived me from what I'm supposed to be writing about. Life. And how it's scaring me. I'm turning into someone I never thought I would, and surprisingly I am not appalled. But the thought of life itself and that each day passes and you could never get it back? ... Its such a huge thing to get your head around. 

You've turned a day old but its also the youngest you'll ever be until another dawn breaks into your sky.

When I reach my Grandfather's age, who's gonna take care of me? I was trying to slip my foot onto my sandals earlier and I was struggling to wiggle it in and then suddenly I'm in my 90s, panicking, trying to find someone who could help me but feeling bad about being a pain in the bum for the smallest things. And all I wanted was to put on my decent pair of sandals.

I feel bad for my Grandad. Its been bothering me all day and yet I haven't shown of trace of intense worry to my Dad, who I am sure is feeling worse than I am right now. The last thing I want my Grandfather to feel is that he's a burden to anyone in the family. 

I miss him. I really do. And it sucks because we're all the way here. Thankfully I know that God is ALWAYS with him, and us. And I'm always praying for the best. Reality can be so ugly sometimes so I'm reviving the hopeful in me, the one that seemed to have been lost somewhere, maybe dying underneath all this self-imposed drama.

I just pray for the best. Your prayers will mean a lot to me and my family, too. Nevermind my whining. All these pent-up emotions keep shooting out of nowhere.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry to hear about your Lolo, Abbie. I'll pray for him!

    Nung nabasa ko to sobrang nalungkot ako. Naalala ko yung Lola ko. Nagsisisi ako kase hindi ko sya naalagaang mabuti. :((