Life Is Funny. But Nobody's Laughing.

My fingers won't let the words out. 

There. I said it. Stared at my laptop for what seemed like an eternity. Waiting for the thoughts to finally translate to words. Isn't it funny how sometimes your "thoughts" and the "words" coming out of your mouth (or in this case, fingers - lol), are two different languages? Most of the time we say, "If only you spoke fluent Arabic, you'd know how awesome this song is!". It could be the exact same meaning, or translation, but it doesn't speak depths as it does in its original language. Sometimes, even the thoughts in your head ain't enough. Feelings are tricky. What's the word for partially annoyed and partially amazed? ... See what I mean? 

That's how I feel right now, writing this entry. Currently listening to Chris Brown's "Don't Judge Me", imagining that I'm driving through the orange-lit streets on Manila, with no destination in mind, all these thoughts clouding my brain. And of course, its perfect in my head, because there's no trace of the usual Metro traffic. But then again, its 1:00 A.M. 

Obviously, my life has made a hundred eighty degree turn. I feel like a dysfunctional compass. Spinning, spinning everywhere, pointing to different directions. North becomes South, East becomes West, and I am stuck in this hoola-baloo of fun Labyrinths that have no end, really. One of life's jokes that never really hit a funny bone in my body. Here, pick a finger. Maybe it'll help.

Today is an emotional day for me. Suppressed it, tried so hard to. 

I love my flat. My flat has seen a lot of people pack their bags. Some meant to come back. Some never to be seen around its confines. Today, I'm watching someone else pack up. 

I remember when I had to pack for college. My Mom and had a very intense month. We were arguing all the time, but turns out it was separation anxiety. One afternoon, while filling up another box, I saw her stand by my door. She was looking at me for a long time, and I didn't notice that she was crying until she let out a sob. 

Tomorrow I wear my big girl pants. I feel like its a new year for me. I have a very strong feeling that this will positively bring change in my life. But its sad, too. 

I'm confused. Sometimes I don't know if I'm a.) Trying to look at the Bright Side b.) Blindly convincing myself, "This is good! This is very good!" when in reality, its the other way around or c.) Its actually the truth. It IS a good thing, whatever is happening. 

Really? Being numb to the shhh life brings is a good thing? When was is it ever a good thing to not feel anything? Isn't this something a person should avoid? 

Sometimes I wish I could blatantly put my life out there. Not for the heck of it, but because I believe that whatever's happening with me right now, is definitely worthy of...blogging! Because I know I am not alone. 

Its like a sine wave right now. Also, like a Liz Phair song. The heck.