My Stupid Love Song

So, I sort of wrote a song 5 months ago as a Birthday Gift. It was the first song I ever wrote, EVER - that I finally finished. I was so inspired. Ha! And again, I didn't tweak the codes or anything, so thank God for Garageband's Loop Tracks. 

I hope you like it. This still makes me smile. In spite of everything. 

You really have taken such a huge part of me. God knows.



Something's been bothering me these days. I've always wanted to talk about it but I thought, considering how conservative my blogging vocabulary still is (really?), I should keep it to myself. But I can't. I'm sorry if I end up sounding too blunt, but I have to get it out there.

So, Sex. People say "Sex is just Sex", but I don't really see the meaning to that. How can sex just be sex? How can you do it without any emotional attachment? I can never bring myself to do such a thing.

I'm not being a hypocrite. I have thought about sleeping with Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Who hasn't? I mean, I am infatuated with JGL. Are you kidding me? But seriously - to casually hook up with someone? Never have I ever thought of considering it. The idea had crossed my mind in the past, but I would shudder at the thought of someone who I barely know, touching me...kissing me. Its just wrong. 

They say its part of being "human", to feel lust towards the opposite sex. Giving in to this itch is considered normal. I just never understood the whole thing. Still don't. 

There is no "benefit" in being "Friends with Benefits". Sooner or later someone's gonna break. That, or you both realize how everything was a complete waste of time. Yes, you had your fun, but then what? Is this something you can look back to, when you're all saggy, surrounded by your grandchildren? 

I would rather have stories of how I loved and ended up hurt, rather than stories of countless of mornings waking up in someone else's bed just for the heck of it. 

Fool around all you want, but at the end of the day, you know what you need. It always comes down to love.


But how can people still want love when the sex part comes easy? When connecting with the opposite sex doesn't really matter anymore? The attraction's there but it won't go any deeper than a kiddie pool. Purely physical. If people think they can have this for the rest of their lives, how can one think of their future in a deeper sense? 

Everything comes easy. Everything but love.


Who's Ready For Awesomeness?

Also known as... BLOGGERS UNITED?
Ooooh, I AM!!!

So, I'll see you guys there?

Mark your calendars! December 15, people! I know I haven't been doing any Fashion-related posts, thanks to...nevermind. Lol. But my friends definitely got my back cos they didn't even hesitate to still make me part of this even if I won't have a booth (I will be signing up for a booth in the future though, that's for sure).

I am so excited because I'm finally going to see my friends again, and meet Fashion Bloggers I've been acquainted with through the intarwebs! I'm so happy! I really look forward to this.

I can't wait!


Come to Momma

Selective Amnesia. Try as I may, but I can never, I will never be able to forget. Sometimes defined as the "unwillingness to remember certain events", and boy, would I be so lucky to have this trait. Imagine forgetting the beautiful memories you'd achingly wish to relive, as you lie in bed, knowing there are far more better things to think about - like finally making that appointment to take your cats to the clinic for their quarterly check-up, or scolding yourself for forgetting to get your milk supply for the week. 

The world has far worse problems than mine, but what about people like me who desperately need amnesia in their lives? I'm stuck. It was like this tweet from Rooni that I read, which perfectly describes what I feel, and it says : 

" I want to be happy. In order to be happy, I must let go. If I let go, I will be sad, and hence, not happy. There's no way out."


My thoughts exactly. Usually I'm more optimistic and understanding about this - I mean, the real reason why I'm writing this. On most days I don't regret my decisions, but when it hurts too much... I just end up wishing things didn't change.

On most days, I wish you'd know what I'm talking about.


The Chronicles of Restlessness

And then confusion started to set in. "Where am I?", she asked. No one answered. Is this still part of the dream? Has she finally woken to reality? "What is reality anyway?", asked the small voice at the back of her head. She carried on.

Wait a minute. She wanted to be here. Wait, don't wake her up. Let her continue on this road she dared to go to. Did she fall into a hole of some sort? "A Rabbithole?" the voice asked. "Right, who am I then? Alice?",she chuckled, seemingly enjoying another one of those conversations she had with herself.

A sudden rush of emotions sets in her tummy. "The butterflies", she said, and a bit of a flashback plays in her head. He had taken her hand, she followed him with all her heart, with everything she had, and didn't have. Biting her lip, her heart raced faster and faster and faster, wanting nothing else but to be where this boy had promised her to be. She didn't mind, she had him, and that was all she needed.

"But where is he now?", the voice interrupts. "I don't know", she answered. "But I can feel him here...somewhere." Her throat's running dry, and her heart's pounding through her chest. "Where is he?", she said under her breath. 

There was a mix of fear and excitement filling her. Fear of not seeing him again, and the excitement of finally feeling his skin under her fingers.

"Some bittersweet feeling this is", the voice said. "And its all worth it", she replied.

"Let's hope so", the voice answered.



You know the feeling, like... all your life, you've held on to this love, separate from the one you give to your family, friends, your first love, your great love. Sure, you never love a person the same way you loved another, but there's just this love, the one that breaks you. The core shaking kind. You feel like this is what you've held on to since you were born. And then you let it go, and it destroys you, but restores you.

Its this crazy whirlwind of all these emotions you never thought you could possibly feel at the same time. And people won't understand, of course. Society has barricaded our minds with its concepts of how things should be. I think I have jumped over this barrier for awhile now. I'm in my own little bubble. Loving it, hating it. Savoring it. Enjoying it. Regretting it (for a brief 5 seconds). Its a cycle. An addicting cycle. The very fiber it weaves are from threads stored in a higher shelf, the one you're not meant to reach. But I took a ladder, and climbed, and reached. And fell. And loved.

The depth of this love is unattainable by other minds. If you've never been there, you'll never understand. If you have, its totally different than yours. Its not for the same reasons. In the eyes of others its all the same. But you and I know better. We pushed through, against all odds. And boy, the adrenaline rush we get every time. Is that what gets us hooked? 

I don't know. But I'm glued.



It was so perfect. It was perfect. It was flawless. It was so perfect.

This song could not have been playing at the most perfect time. It was perfect. It was so perfect. 

Hello at 3:50 A.M.



She's been through a ton of cliches in her life, but this - this she never thought would happen. 

He was an answer to a question that echoed through the confines of her empty room, but it was too late... or was it? Did he come at a perfect time in her life? Did she walk in in white at the wrong day, to the wrong crowd?

Society would say "he was a wrong turn", but her thoughts veered to a different direction. No one else would understand her but herself, and her once empty room, which would probably answer her back, should she find herself in it.

He was the flaw she needed to live a perfect life. He sits there in the dark, clutching a small gas lamp. Oddly, he does not complain of the heat touching his skin. She celebrates as she shares this side of the room with him, admiring the colors it projects.

She cannot imagine a day without him standing next to her, there in her head. She will never bid him goodbye.


Trust Issues

I have now learned the painful consequence of trusting too much. The less people know, the better. In the end, people are just going to use the information you shared with them against you. See, they will never understand. NEVER.

Its my life after all. If I get hurt, I get hurt. I know what I'm doing. Nothing I do will, or should affect you. Why does it have to be so hard to understand? I'm not a little girl anymore. I got this. Yeah its not easy, yes I look stupid...or rather AM stupid.

But I got this.


An Open Letter to the Future Me

04 November 2012 / 3:45  P.M.

Dear Abbie,

I wonder where you are right now, and what you're doing. Are you still living in the Middle East? Have you settled in the Philippines? I'm at the office as I type this letter. You know, one of those gloomy days you had back in the day. Sitting on your ass, staring blankly at almost anything you set your eyes on. The  weather looks beautiful too, by the way - which is very rare, if  you remember. Its windy, and you can see the trees swaying from side to side, and the sky is a sad gray. Kind of like you today.

I don't know how to explain to you how different things feel for you right now. Or is that something you don't want to remember anymore? Are you smiling looking back at these days, or have you thrown them away, stored in a box marked "Eternal Sunshine Material" somewhere in your head?

I wonder how you're feeling right now, reading this. Looking back on the day you thought of writing it. All the while I can't even tell myself if I was wishing you are in a better place than this Abbie, I don't even know what "better" is anymore. You have no idea how lost I am. Or do you? Maybe you do. Maybe you're laughing at me right now. I hope you're not...or I don't know.

Have you figured it all out already, Abbie? Are you doing what you want to with your life, are you where you want to be? You've been merely just existing these days, Abbie. You've  done things that killed you and brought you back to life at the same damn time and you're so proud of it, of finally attaining bliss. Do you still feel the same way about those things, Abbie? Or has it changed? 

Will it ever get better? Tell me it will. Right now you know what your heart wanted, your brain just won't entertain the thought because its heartbreakingly beautiful...but also improbable. And  right now, you hate yourself for it. Do you still hate yourself for the same reason? Or has that changed, too?

Seriously, I hope you could give me something. Anything from the assurance, a promise, will I like where I'm going? What's my tomorrow going to be like, Abbie? Will I go around in circles for awhile? Stay in heaven for a day or two in a month and get bitchslapped by reality over and over for the rest? Is it worth it like I believed it was? 

Have I just been making it all up in my head, Abbie? TELL ME because its driving me crazy. Its the reason why I can't sleep at night. 

Tell me my sadness has not gotten to me, has not swallowed me whole? Tell me it won't change me, what I believe in, and my ideals. Tell me that I'm wrong, that the things I thought existed, actually does. And that there is hope. 

And that I'm not stupid to still hope.

Please, Abbie.


Maybe Its Blinding

When faced with the decision on whether to go with a person's good side and bad side? How do you know when to go for the former, and the latter? Has it ever occurred to you that looking at the bright side could be blinding? And that everyone does have a bad side, but knowing this reality does not change the fact that there are bad people - bad people who have made it their choice to be bad, not because its part of being human, as they say.

When is too much...too much? How do you know the limit of one person when it comes to character? Does it depend on the situation? 

When people tell you about someone you know very well, will you believe them? Will you allow their idea of this person cloud the one you have in your head (and heart)? Its confusing. How do you know if its worth holding on to if you feel that you're the only one who sees that person this way? Does it make you stupid? Or hopeful? Or both?