Bystander, Why Stand There?

She's on the sidelines. Waiting? She has no idea what she's doing. Do you call that waiting? But she's not expecting anything. Hoping, maybe. But how can that be classified as waiting?

She's happy there, in all honesty. But she knows time won't wait for anyone. Time can be a merciless witch. 

See, on most days she can tell what's happening. But she has chosen to be in this situation, that she's learned to accept unusual reasoning. She argues with herself all the time, trying not to be paranoid. She's avoided her daily routine of talking to the mirror, because her reflection wasn't making sense to her anymore. Or maybe it was.

She recalls having similar emotions to this, but nothing as close to maddening as the one she's going through at the moment, but in a good way. Its like a whirlwind of sessions with a Shrink.

Sometimes, she wonders - is she being lied to? Is she being played, is the joke on her? Sometimes she thinks she's prepared for that, that maybe its the reality. Maybe she's just another one of his toys. But no, she knows that's not true.

So what is? How will she find out if he's drawn a temporary, soft line? How long is it going to be a "temporary line"?

She wants to know where this is going. But its too early to ask that. But for how long will it be "too early"?

Honesty is supposed to be something that frees us all, but why does it feel like an intense nightmare in this case?


Beyond Words, Beyond Music

This song is too painful to listen to, but its too beautiful to ignore. Its a cover of Bonnie Rait's "I Can't Make You Love Me" but Bon Iver's version crushes me.

And yet the pain is addicting.


Where We're Supposed To Be

Watching something as simple as a YouTube clip can turn your day around. In my case, this happened yesterday. I was surfing the net, and a split second later, I was back on this road, questioning my existence.

I try not to talk about the things I'm facing too much,  but blogging has been such a huge part of me, writing it out has already been my therapy. Sadly, people, even my own flesh and blood is using it against me, to attack me, or whatever. It is this factor that made me want to keep things to myself, and to my journal. But I realized that this is my life. If it comes to a point that even my own family would judge me for what I choose to express, I guess I'm too old to worry for that. Also, this is about time I tell you that you're pathetic for allowing yourself to be blinded by whatever factor it is that makes you want to meddle in my life, and my business.

Anyway - I know this is a cycle. I know how to get out of it, but I don't want to. 

I see all these people, you know? Making the most out of their lives, doing what they want, they're in a whirlwind of emotions, everything at the same time, and its...awesome. 

I don't really blame the country I'm in. Countless of times I've said how much I love it here, so being here isn't really the case. But its having the simplest of things that I want, but don't have yet, that's what's driving me nuts.

How do I put this in words without giving too much away? 



In My Head

In my head, we are seated oppositely at a Restaurant, waiting for our food to be served. You are looking at me like you're looking at me for the first time. You've just woken up from a long nap and your drowsy eyes are lovely. I couldn't help but smile at you. I reach across the table to hold your hand, and stroke it. From beneath the table, you playfully step on my foot repeatedly before you smiled back at me. We stay like this for a few minutes only to be interrupted by the realization that we are in public.

In my head, we are running to see the Eiffel Tower in Paris, where we always dreamed of going. You stop to catch your breath, pulling me to my knees as I do the same, but we look at each other and laugh knowing we've made it. You carry me up and you place your hands around my neck, gently pulling me to you. And then you kissed me. And finally, finally, we're kissing in public. Finally we're letting the world know that my lips belongs to yours, and yours alone. And we savor it, and we devour each other's lips and suddenly there is only you and me in the world. And its not as scary as we thought.

In my head, we are laying side by side on the sand, getting a tan, and you look over to me, not saying a word. I mimic this, only I end up looking at you with one eye because the sun was blinding me. I can name a number of imperfections seeing you under the sunlight as I study your face tirelessly once more, and just like the many times I have, I held my breath, still thinking that you are the most beautiful, most perfect boy I have ever seen in my life. I lay on my side, turning to you, running my fingers across your perfect tummy, and I repeatedly kiss your cheek because I love that every time I do, you smile with your eyes closed.

In my head, we are on a train ride to somewhere. We've decided to go backpacking, this time around Asia. I lean my head on your shoulder and take mental snapshots of every scenery. I was too lazy to get the camera out of my bag. Moments later, we fall asleep. I was puzzled, not knowing how to take it all in : the beauty of what was outside our window, and feeling you close to me, smelling your scent, the usual mix of your sweat and perfume that drives me crazy. My tummy churns at the thought of us like this : the simplicity of this moment, and the constant realization of how much I adore you with every bone in my body.

In my head, we are laying quietly in bed. You're watching nonsense on YouTube and I turn to your direction, watching you. I fall in love all over again seeing you smile and laugh like this. You let me have my fun in silence before you noticed what I was doing, and then you lay on top of me and stare at me, saying nothing. I run my hands through your tangled hair, and you're burying your face on my neck. We lay like this for minutes, until I make a gesture for us to lay on our sides because you're cutting off my air supply. We start to jabber about small things, big things, funny things, I don't even know what makes our conversations, but we never seem to run out of things to talk about. To each other, we are bottomless pits, an entire lifetime together is not enough to discover what goes through our heads.

In my head, we are spending one of our lazy, peaceful afternoons on a weekend in the tub. We chose to go with 'clear water' over our usual added flavor of bubble bath. I'm behind you this time, wrapping my legs around your waist. Your head is on my chest, and we say nothing to each other. We don't hear anything else but the sound of cars passing by out our window, and the sound of water, disturbed by our movements. I wrap my hands around your hair, pulling them up. Its always been one of my favorite things about you. We stay quiet for minutes, enjoying the very perfect moment we were sharing, and it feels like time stopped, and  everything in the world was right. 

In my head, in my head is where I retreat to exist.
In my head is where I would rather be.



Happy Valentines Day? Okay, here's my soundtrack. Enjoy and be safe, kids. IYKWIM.

"Happy Valentines Day? We don't care!", said the bitter woman. Who? What? Huh? I didn't say anything.


I Love You, To Yolanda Moon And Back

I will never forget the first time I heard Yolanda Moon, and the way I fell in love with their music and how it takes me to places (like Up Dharma Down does).

I was surprised to find out that most of the band members were my cousin's classmates in La Salle. Coolness. You must listen to this, you won't regret it!


Superstar (Carpenters Cover)

I have always loved this song by The Carpenters. I attempted to sing this in 3 takes when I had the colds. 

My apologies for the crappy quality. Also, it sounds a bit better with earphones on. Not that it makes me sound like Mariah Carey, but its worth suggesting.



I guess I always knew I was attracted to you. I knew it from the first time we met. Your hair, your smile, those would just come second. I looked at you and that was it. I was sold.

But I never really realized the depth of my attraction to you, not until months later, after countless of days talking 'til the wee hours of the morning. Your "Good Morning" messages would be the best part of waking up. I laid in bed and smiled like a child on Christmas morning.

It was that fateful day in October that I knew it had overcome me - this emotion. This sense of longing that made me realize that it was not only my heart crying out for you, but my soul.

I was upstairs, decorating, when you came looking for me. You walked to me and smiled. I gave you a hug, I felt your breath on my shoulder, and every strand of hair in my body stood. I clearly remember that letting you go was a challenge, as it would be whenever we hugged.

A few hours later, you helped me carry out an Amplifier to the lift. This is where things got harder...

For a brief 30 second elevator ride from the Ground Floor to the First, being alone with you in a confined space and barely a meter away, I would always go back to that day wondering how I managed to restrain myself from taking you, all of you, right there and then. It was so intense, we were like two magnets, fighting all this force. It was draining, addicting.

It wasn't lust. It wasn't that at all, but it was such a strong emotion I've never felt in my life. Looking at it from an outsider's perspective, I would say it was "normal". Attraction is something we all understand, but then I realized its an emotion not all of us know of, and its pretty scary. I didn't and still don't know what to do with all these feelings. There's just too much.

On some days, I'd wish that it simply flies away somewhere, or disappear, but then I know that I possess something so rare, so deep, that I wouldn't want to not know this feeling. Its excruciating, realizing its such a complicated situation to be in, but at the same time I am thankful for it. 

I have found a love that a lot of people look for in their lifetime, and now, I don't really care what happens to me. An entire human's existence has been summed up in this emotion, in knowing this emotion. It is everything I needed in this life.

And I don't know if you know what that means to anyone.



On most days it felt like he was her salvation on earth. Death, she thinks - is someone she does not mind meeting when he calls to her, whenever that is. She has lived a full life in her opinion. He has given her everything she ever wanted and wished for.

She couldn't grasp the reason behind this intense pull towards him. Sometimes she thinks he was just a filler, a temporary puzzle piece that would later on disappear like the others, but that's probably something she'd like to consider because the very vague vision of this road heading somewhere scares her. She is familiar of the unknown - its existence, and the monsters it brings, but has recently realized how much the future freaked her out. All she knows is this : She fears losing him.

This was all new to her, and that's ironic, considering how much experience she's had with love. But in contrary, she barely had lovers and would rarely find herself in love, but this...

Ecstatic. Every time she saw him under these dim lights it always feels like the first time. His touch is electric. His lips, warm. Longing. She was never kissed like that before. She has never felt as wanted as he makes her feel. It was the combination of lust, of love, of want, and need of wanting to be comforted, to feel loved, to feel anything, just anything...It was a connection so deep, that her soul would ignite and burst into flames at that given moment. Core shaking. Her insides are drowning in this beautiful mess, yet her physical body remains the  same. Unchanged. The strongest kind of emotion, inside her. 

But they are both far too broken, yet far too yearning. How can an emotion like this exist in the middle of chaos? How can fire burn in the middle of a storm?

So little understand the very reason why she feels that way. So little understand why this is happening. She does not either, but in a way - she does. She closes her eyes and absorbs it all. The sadness, the beauty, the bliss of every moment she has spent with him.

And then she exhales.


Lucy is Unlucky

Meet Lucy. She lives an ordinary life and has extra-ordinary friends. Her IQ is above average (or so she thinks), has mediocre creativity skills and is lethargic on most days.

Lucy likes to think of how blessed she is just to push away the negativity and focus on how fortunate she is in almost all aspects of her life. But she is unlucky. 

Lucy is with Paul. They have been together for more than a decade now but she classifies their relationship as "Rocky to Steady", nothing made out of New Years Eve, and is also similar to the color gray.

Lucy is in love with Jesse. She says that he makes her feel like Neil Armstrong when he landed on the moon, and claims that his insides are made of rainbows and unicorns, and a little bit of evil.

But Jesse is in a complicated, on and off relationship with Mia, and is sort of in love with Lucy on some days. He likes to confuse her by playing a cruel adult game called "Hot and Cold" and purposely leaves Lucy out of it so she falls for his tactics and drops her like a hot potato when Lucy starts to win (which is awesome because she doesn't even know she's playing the game). Jesse knows he loves Lucy the way she loves him but Mia likes to pull him around in circles which confuses him and his ideals of love. 

Lucy always finds herself back at square 1 with Paul. He tells her its over and wouldn't mind if she stayed in his life or walks away. This hurts her, but is confused whether she is hurt at the thought of Paul saying he doesn't love her anymore, or at the thought of being alone and starting all over.

Lucy always finds herself wandering off with Jesse, and she is terrified finding out that she has invested so much of her emotions on him when she absolutely has no clue of what he intends to do with her in the long run. He tells her not to go elsewhere, and she then tells herself she has decided not to do so.

Lucy is confused and tired. Lucy feels like all of the clichéd, depressing words you can find in the dictionary.

Lucy is feeling empty.

Lucy is unlucky.