There Is A Difference

When he looks into your eyes seconds after the heavenly magic, when he lays there, on you - out of breath, syncing his heartbeat to yours, then gently kisses you, and stays that way for a couple of minutes...

... That's love. That's pure love.

And you know what? Once you finally experience that - it scares the hell out of you. You found something so beautiful, so fragile, and it makes you dread having felt it because now you know that the reality is, you may lose it. It can be taken away from you, and you will be irreparably broken. Damaged. Wrecked.

You want it so much, you want it in your life forever. This is it. This is what you're looking for. This is what you've been dreaming of. But why does it have to be so hard?


Unconventional Stories Make Conventional Stories at Unconventional Times

Theirs was a story you'd see in movies, in books. Unconventional yet conventional, you know. The typical ones that tug your heartstrings and leave you breathless. But then again, with the world we're living in, with the times changing, how can we ever tell which is which? What's conventional? What isn't? What's odd? What's acceptable?

Accidents. I don't think anything happening in life is an accident. Its all a pattern, you see. Its all part of a plan. All those "What Ifs" in life, they were never meant to be. There is no "What If". It doesn't exist. Things are the way they should be, whether you intended it to be that way or not. 

At this point in my life, I am at the edge of the cliff. Awaiting my death. Death of this person that I have become - full of fear, blinded by the darkness of the unknown (aka the "Future", the biggest F word in the history of mankind). If I ever awake from the depth of the ocean I have sunken into, will I swim ashore, oblivious to my past life? Will people from that point of my life still be there? Will I be lost, lost completely on a different world? A different time? Will I belong? How many more cliffs must life push me off of? How many more times must I shoot myself out of it, half-heartedly, unwillingly, yet the decision taking over me, leaving me no choice but to do so?

My heart is pure. Yes, I make mistakes. But my heart is pure. I know there are consequences, but there will be rewards to this too. For I have not done anything that was not out of love. Everything involved my heart. Oh, my dear heart. My broken heart.  Everything involved my soul. Oh, my dear soul. My broken soul. And my famished spirit. My dear famished spirit.

They say "Once you go down, there is no other way but up". But why doesn't it feel that way now? What am I supposed to do? Should I be patient, must I wait for the turn of events to launch me, should I do it myself? How do you know when that's "it"? Its so confusing.

It doesn't feel like I belong anywhere, too. Everywhere reminds me of something. Every song breaks my heart. And I don't remember being as paralyzed as this just by thinking of the uncertain.

Why am I dwelling on the uncertain? Its because I'm not getting any younger. Its because I have never imagined my life to be this way and yet here I am. It only means it could get worse. What more does life want out of me? Hasn't it taken enough?

I'm afraid to address my concerns to my friends too. Because I know what they're gonna say. And I'm not so sure it helps.

Why can't I just live in a parallel universe. Why.


Will You?

Will you remember me
Will you remember the way I laugh
The way the lines form on my face when I do

Will you remember the way that small dimple on my face appears
When I smile
When I smirk

Will you remember the shape of my lips
How it turns up, down
How it speaks without uttering words

Will you remember my eyes
Will you remember the way it looks at you
Do you know that in the million ways I've looked at things, at people... there is one look that was and is just made for you?

Will you remember my voice
Will you remember the way I spoke, I laughed
Can you tell how sweet it becomes whenever I talk to you?

Will you remember my hands
Will you remember how it felt
Did you know how special your skin felt on mine, and that I would willingly, tirelessly run them all over you for the rest of my life?

Will you remember my skin
Will you remember its color, its texture 
Do you close your eyes and take a deep breath the same way I do when I think about yours?

Will you remember my moles
Will you remember how they are scarcely scattered on my body
And how you mistook one on my face as dirt, brushing it off of my  face will always be one of my favorite moments with you?

Will you remember it all?
Will you?


Do You See What I Mean?

"What makes you say that?"

"Well, the very fact that I know this world. I know the way they think. He will think that you're just like every other girl. He'll think that since you do it with him, you could do it with anyone else"

"But that's not fair. If that's true, that isn't fair at all. First of all, our situation is different. Its not like he doesn't know me, and it's not like I don't know him. Its not like we planned this to happen. And I've explained it to him a lot of times. He's the only one I'm intimate with, he knows there is no one else"

"I hope so, but trust me on this one. If I were you, I'd stop this until you've settled everything you need to. And then you can prove a point to him that you're not that kind of girl"

"But I don't think he's like that. I don't think he's like the rest of them. I see through him. I trust him. And I know that he trusts me."

"I hope so."

And then that little voice inside of her clung on to every possible fiber of words and promises they exchanged with each other. She bit her lip, and clenched her fists.

"I hope so."


انا ضائعة. وأنها جميلة.

You leave me souvenirs, planting them on my neck, on my chest. You make a mark, telling the world that I'm yours. We share moments of silence, I listen to your breathing, and you wake up feeling my head tilt up to look at you. 

عدد لا يحصى من لحظات خلال وقتنا معا، أنا في نهاية المطاف شعور كل من سعيدة وحزينة.

I embrace it. I embrace everything we have, and don't at the moment. When I'm with you, I'm there. I'm really there. And I'm alive. At the same time, I'm dreaming, because its so good. You've given me a ridiculous amount of butterflies that I end up barfing them.

هناك حب غير معلن فقط الكثير بيننا. وانها قتل لي.

Ironically its one of the few things that keeps me going. You've brought a sense of adventure in my life, not knowing where this is going. I feel stupid on some days, but I just can't not stick around. Even when you hurt me sometimes.

كل ما أعرفه هو أنني أحبك. ويخيفني، أن ليس لديك فكرة. ولكن سوف أبقى.

Please tell me that that changes things somehow. Please tell me that it makes you feel better. Please tell me something, anything that will soothe my worry. 


They Think They Do

They don't know how I feel about you. They think they know what its like to want someone, to need someone... but they don't know a thing until they feel what I feel.