Unconventional Stories Make Conventional Stories at Unconventional Times

Theirs was a story you'd see in movies, in books. Unconventional yet conventional, you know. The typical ones that tug your heartstrings and leave you breathless. But then again, with the world we're living in, with the times changing, how can we ever tell which is which? What's conventional? What isn't? What's odd? What's acceptable?

Accidents. I don't think anything happening in life is an accident. Its all a pattern, you see. Its all part of a plan. All those "What Ifs" in life, they were never meant to be. There is no "What If". It doesn't exist. Things are the way they should be, whether you intended it to be that way or not. 

At this point in my life, I am at the edge of the cliff. Awaiting my death. Death of this person that I have become - full of fear, blinded by the darkness of the unknown (aka the "Future", the biggest F word in the history of mankind). If I ever awake from the depth of the ocean I have sunken into, will I swim ashore, oblivious to my past life? Will people from that point of my life still be there? Will I be lost, lost completely on a different world? A different time? Will I belong? How many more cliffs must life push me off of? How many more times must I shoot myself out of it, half-heartedly, unwillingly, yet the decision taking over me, leaving me no choice but to do so?

My heart is pure. Yes, I make mistakes. But my heart is pure. I know there are consequences, but there will be rewards to this too. For I have not done anything that was not out of love. Everything involved my heart. Oh, my dear heart. My broken heart.  Everything involved my soul. Oh, my dear soul. My broken soul. And my famished spirit. My dear famished spirit.

They say "Once you go down, there is no other way but up". But why doesn't it feel that way now? What am I supposed to do? Should I be patient, must I wait for the turn of events to launch me, should I do it myself? How do you know when that's "it"? Its so confusing.

It doesn't feel like I belong anywhere, too. Everywhere reminds me of something. Every song breaks my heart. And I don't remember being as paralyzed as this just by thinking of the uncertain.

Why am I dwelling on the uncertain? Its because I'm not getting any younger. Its because I have never imagined my life to be this way and yet here I am. It only means it could get worse. What more does life want out of me? Hasn't it taken enough?

I'm afraid to address my concerns to my friends too. Because I know what they're gonna say. And I'm not so sure it helps.

Why can't I just live in a parallel universe. Why.