Yesterday, I watched myself die. I was kneeling in front of the bathroom sink, tasting my own tears, when it flashed right in front of me. The gory death I have chosen to go with. Not pills this time.
Googling it, it says to be a choice of 2% of team "Permanent Solution to "Temporary Problems" Heck Yeah, Suck On That, Life!". Not sure how I would endure the pain, but at that moment I was courageous enough to go through it. There were no voices in my head forcing me, it was just me. Me and my heart, actually. It was begging me, in fact. It wasn't my head. Boy, my head was making loud protests. But my heart was all like "Do it for us, you know we cannot take anymore of this, Abbie. Just do it, once and for all."
I mourned my death afterwards. I saw my loved ones upon hearing the news, but not their reactions. They had no faces, and I couldn't tell how they felt. For the most part to me, it didn't really matter. My presence or absence made no difference.
I outgrew the fear of being forgotten. It didn't matter to me anymore because I knew sooner or later, I would be forgotten anyway. The world no longer made sense to me. Striving no longer made sense to me. Money no longer made sense to me. People no longer made sense to me. Love no longer made sense to me. Life no longer made sense to me.
Sooner or later this will all be gone, everything will vanish. Everything will be forgotten. So what's the point?
I go through my Twitter feed and it depresses me even more. What are all these things we post about, trying to make a name for ourselves, trying to make a difference, trying to prove ourselves to the world? The world is such a drag. Its become so superficial that we are left without a choice. I am not exempted from this. I have succumbed to it. I have been too weak to fight against the current (and I am sure I'll regret saying this later, but whatever. I'm putting it out there anyway).
"I miss the old you", my closest friend told me. She was right. I miss the old me too, but the old me is long gone. I feel like I keep dying, then I'm brought back to life as a different version of myself, and the cycle goes on and on.
Its starting to get tiring - biggest understatement of my life.
Remember that scene in Life of Pi, when there was a huge storm and Pi screamed to the sky, "What more do you want? I surrender!" Heck, that was me. That very scene depicted this point in my life.
What have I done? I'm not perfect but how many times must I explain that I have done everything out of love? I will say this again, and again, and again : My heart is so pure. Its not perfect, its not all white, but it is very pure, trust me.
I don't know what I'm going to get out of this. I don't know how, I don't know when...I don't know how, I don't know when.