Hulk Mode, Among Others

I have never felt this scared in a long time.

The last time I felt this way was when I gazed upon my mother's face while she slept at the Hospital she was confined in for the nth time in the year she fought Cancer.

There were questions, answers, possibilities, miraculous scenarios flooding my head - drowning it. Everything scared me. Every thought, every hopeful reply I would give myself - battling between staying realistic, and staying hopeful. 

And they say its a lot easier to accept the loss of a loved one when they're ... sick? 

"Abbie, look at it this way, at least you were able to prepare yourself, spend more time with her".

Can you re-think that again? 

How in the world will you ever prepare yourself to lose a loved one? Let alone - A PARENT? The one you always believed to be invincible?

Believe it or not, I always thought I would die ahead of my Mother. There was NO WAY I would live without her.

And maybe that's why I'm...

I still can't bear to think that some people in my family find it in their guts to speak ill of her now that she's gone. ESPECIALLY AFTER EVERYTHING WE WENT THROUGH. Wow. SOME FAMILY I HAVE. I sure as hope they're reading this because if it isn't God stopping me from spitting on their faces, then I don't know who else is. Seriously. You disgust me. I am ashamed to share the same name as you. I am ashamed to carry your blood in my veins. I just pray that NONE OF YOU GO THROUGH THE SAME THINGS I HAVE. Or I won't waste a second to talk shit about the loved one you lost after their death, REGARDLESS OF YOUR PAIN. TASTE YOUR OWN POISON, BITCHES.

You know, I don't play nice. Because I am nice. But I guess I am done with that.

Reality is taking over me. It has killed the Dreamer I have always been. Such a cruel thing, Reality. It feeds on people like me, destroying us. "I'm sorry to burst your bubble", it says. Sarcastically. Like a slap in the face and a kick in the gut isn't enough. I've puked out all the rainbows. I've painted my skies gray. I let you take over me. Is there anything else I haven't ticked off of your list? Don't give me that look, Reality. Don't you even.

Its too complex, don't you think? Wizards of Waverly Place's soundtrack says "Everything is not what it seems", and its a show about magic. Au contraire, its the opposite of magic.

All I know is that this is what's become of life. Regardless of what people say about destiny, I know this is where I am supposed to be. There is nothing I would want to change (okay, that's a lie - I want my fairy tale like all the other people oblivious to reality. I want my Unicorn Glasses back, Life! GIMME IT!) but all I know is, although crappy - this is my journey. Accepting it is liberating, but knowing that you have to actually put your right foot, then your left, then your right, then your left...its pretty...its...

So where are the balls I always thought I had? 

Hello, I'm Abbie. I am forever 18, I love Dolphins and my past time has been crying in between office breaks at the nearest vacant bathroom stall. I am a wreck and I have no other choice but to get out of bed every morning and look presentable because apparently I owe it to the people around me. As cliche as this is, I have also mastered the art of fake smiling and have blindly fooled people that I am going to make it out alive.

Why can't I just let myself rot in bed, curled up in my sheets, in sweet, sweet isolation? It won't hurt anyone if I do.