I'll Kill Me If This Ends, Please Don't Make It End, Please Don't.


I shouldn't want this, and yet here I am - on my knees, on the bathroom floor, wishing, praying, wishing, praying.

It is a constant struggle between knowing what is possible in this life, and in my dreams. Trickier than you think.

I said too much again, didn't I? How unfortunate is it for me to find myself in this place. Feeling all these emotions I am not allowed to feel, saying all these words I am not allowed to say. 

Echoing my Heart's thoughts might push you away, but keeping them in pushes me to my death.

Where are these boundaries we never put to words? Its like a constant race with you. You hold my hand then let it go. As soon as we've made it to the next lap, you make a turn and run away. And then I stay here, waiting for you. 

You come and go as you please. And I let you. 
And you say you miss me, you say you love me, and I believe you.

Don't you feel the pain in my kisses? As I trail my lips from yours, to your cheek, to your ear, to your neck?
Don't you feel the pain in my hugs? How I refuse to let you go, how I cling to you like a pained little cub?

You don't understand.
I love you even if I am not supposed to, and yet I fight for it with every ounce of my being. I keep telling myself I'll be loving you for as long as God decides to wake me up to another morning, but until when will I have the ability to let you know that? Until when will you be there to hear it? To feel it?

How many more times will you choose not to even come up to me to say "Hi"?  And how did you do that? You knew I was there and yet you chose to stay on the other side of the road. How do you do that? Why did you?

When you come back, how can I ever say "No" to you, when at the back of my mind, a crawling thought I try my best to suppress makes its way to my conscious, yet numb mind, saying "What if he does it again, what if he drives off the parking lot and out of your life for a little while?"

But then I stiffen my upper lip, and say "I managed before, I can do it again. All that matters is this moment, all that matters is he's here". 

And then what?
I am left wanting more, you are left wanting more, but you handle the "wanting" part better than I do. 

What are we doing.
I don't know. Somehow I don't want to. 

I'm sorry, I love you.
I'm sorry I let it happen.
I'm sorry I chose for it to happen.
I love you.

How can you do this when you know I love you, with all that I am, I love you.

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