I Can't

I can't even love myself to love so many of you.
I am not worthy.


Hashtag Blessed, Hashtag Love, Hashtag Forever

Can't put into words how blessed I am, can't put into words how much I love them, so why don't I show you instead? This is life. If things are always like this, how can you not love it? 

I really wish it were.

#Blessed from Abbie Almasco on Vimeo.



Yeah, you just broke me. But you're right here. Seeing you puts me back to pieces.

That's how much I fucking love you.
I love you to a point that it kills me.



One of the few reasons why I will be taking a pretty little Malamute Pup into my home soon.


Here Goes

I'm confused. Is this really how my life should be? Someone else dictating how things should go for me, without me having a say in it?

Take away my right of having a child, and now I can't even have a dog? 

Since I found out that it was possible that I would never bear offspring, I sort of lost all will to live. Suddenly, I was questioning the road I was in. I didn't know what on earth I was still doing here. I know I didn't want to have kids anytime soon, but to NEVER have them? EVER? And for that to be decided FOR me... I just...what am I striving for then? I was already lost to begin with, and having a child sort of gave me hope that I was going to put myself together, be a normal human being who does chores and cooks, and all that.

I know I haven't been very responsible. But is it so bad to want to be MOTIVATED to be that way? I know it should come naturally, but I'm a special case. I'm a love machine. I feed on love. But what the heck.

So what now?

I have so much love to give, really, and no one to give it to who could reciprocate it. 

But a dog can. And now even the right to have a dog is being taken away from me?


/rant over/



You know how you remember the first time you hear a song? This is one of the few that really, really, really... left a mark on me the first time I heard it. It was beyond perfection.

A Special Moment, A Special Song, A Special Day.




An Open Letter To The Universe

Dear Universe,

I don't know how to put this. But I give up. I GIVE UP. I do not know how I survived this long. I am staring at my office table, feeling like I'm not here. At all. 

I don't want to be anywhere. I don't want to feel anything. I just want...nothing. I want nothingness. I want it to consume me completely until I have nothing more left to look forward to. This hope, this light that continues to poorly spark inside me? I want it gone. I want it dead. I want it dead for good. I want emptiness. I want it until my body starts to shut down. I just want it to end.

I just want this to end.
Screw you, just finish it already.
You win.



"Move On", They Said. "Its Easy", They Said.

Whoever said it was easy, obviously doesn't know what its like to actually "move on". How does one "move on" anyway? Is that even possible?

I never understood the concept. I'm never the one who just gives up so easily. 

So explain to me.
How do you do that?

How do you "move on".
How do you "let go".



5 Minutes of Dubai Talk

5 Minutes of Dubai Talk from Abbie Almasco on Vimeo.

2 Minutes? I lied.

Clearly I couldn't stop saying "Awesome" or "Amazing" because it is. And its an understatement, too!

Late upload, obviously. I shot this last Thursday (June 6). I just wish that week in Dubai lasted for months. Or years. LOL.

P.S. Super low quality upload! What is up with iMovie? No freakin' audio so I resorted to using Windows Movie Maker. Sad story. Made a little boo boo with the edit too, my bad!


Pain In Bliss, Bliss In Pain

I do not know where to begin.
I was right about how this changes everything. I was right.
I am terrified. I wasn't prepared for this, for the emotional baggage it would bring me. Don't get me wrong, I carry the weight with sheer bittersweet bliss.

As I tangled myself in the layers of blankets, I uncomfortably sunk my head on the bed, deciding not to use any pillows. I watched you sleep from my side, the dim lights of our room clashing with the sun that was just about to rise.

It was my favorite time of the day.
But I felt empty.

My hands were burning with desire to feel your skin again. 
My feet, heavy.
My heart, my heart...

I stood by the window, caught in the curtains, finding my way to watch the people who were already walking at 5, nearly 6 in the morning. The number of cars passing by on the left side of the street. The clothes hanging at the back of the building right in front of ours.

I turned my head, back to you. We spoke for hours before sleep took over your body, but it was not kind to me then.

I was aching to touch you.  
I watched you peacefully, returning to my bed.
And then depression took over, luring me to its darkness.
Blinding me to sleep.


We Were To Fall

This gets me all nostalgic.