This Was 2:33 A.M.'s Idea, Not Mine

(originally written on February 9, 2013
2:33 A.M.)

Usually I would rant elsewhere with how sucky things are but my mind goes on full speed and next thing you know, I've pretty much flooded people's timelines with my sappiness. I'd like to think writing you this would make me feel better because I don't really like exposing the dirt in my brain but then subconsciously, I know someone else might come across this one day. You'll probably move houses and forget to check your drawer, where you fondly kept all of your other letters from various people. Yes, I know I'm not the only one you keep under "Despair Mail". And maybe it would be fate. Maybe they're going through the same thing as I am.

I'm not really sure what I'm doing with my life. I don't understand why the things happening are surprising me when I already had an idea of what was going on. Have I always been this stupid? Am I spaced out on a daily basis, am I not aware of what's going on around me? 

See, there's the churning in my stomach again. 

Today I received clarity. But how is it possible that something as clear as tap water in a glass feel like looking at a puddle of mud? How did that one answer I've been wanting to hear (and finally did) end up giving life to a hundred more questions, questions which I believe I already know the answer to, but choose to insist that I don't know shit?)

You know something happened today. Its the most bittersweet of all the bittersweet feelings I've ever felt.