The Absence Of

"What is this Darkness?", she asks. "What is this Darkness?"
"I do not know, my Child", a faint voice answers,
"But you have to soldier on."


Churning The Butter

She belonged to no one.
That was her first thought that morning.

"No one", she reiterated. 

She would think about her childhood, and realized she dreamed her life away. She was a Dreamer, this one. She liked to think of her First Love, perfectly mimicking movie scenes as she rested her chin on her hand, diluted pupils staring at the top of the Blackboard, her Teacher on mute. Sometimes, when she was in the mood, it would be on slow motion as well - everything happening around her. 

As she looked back and reflected on her life, she noticed how she always ended up on similar situations, with different, but actually the same type of guy. 

"Do I charm these guys into wanting me when I'm in such an unwantable situation? Is that even a word?", she confusingly asks.

Do you ever believe in Soulmates? Cos this one does. She, however, with the help of one too many Paulo Coelho books on her shelf, believes that we have more than one Soulmate on Earth. She believes she has found three of them. The funny thing is (but its not funny at all), she was not tied to one of them. Like they all walked into a trap but the rest was left out, and she ended up stuck with the one that was not supposed to be there. 

"No wait, that doesn't make sense", she says, correcting her own brain.

She goes back into remembering the most recent Soulmate she met, and the first time she laid eyes on him. It was perfect. She felt like she'd known him forever. The connection, the spark, whatever this world called it. All the forces in the World seemed to work in her favor, because she proved herself right the moment they kissed.

But then she fast forwards it to today and now what? 

"No one", she repeats.

What did she do, why is she here? Well, she wanted this. She wanted it more than anything. And now what? Go with the flow, then. She thinks of everything that happened between them. The things he'd do. The things she'd do. Places they went. A smile turned up on her face. How can she say "No one" when there clearly is someone out there.

Someone who can't be "One". For now? Ever?

"God, I hope not."
"When, then?"
"I don't know."
"What do you want to happen, then?"
"I don't know."
"You want this?"
"You're confusing me."
"No, you're confusing yourself."
"I guess. But I love him."
"How much?"
"More than I realize. More than I am capable of."

Maybe she should leave it at that.
Should she?


She Knew

She would give herself to him, again and again. Regardless of the cost, regardless of the consequence. 

"For Love", she whispers, "For Love".

And yet during one of those nights, on separate beds, pouring their hearts out to each other, about their similar frustrations, he asks her,

"Why don't you try to be with someone new?"

"New? But I consider myself already 'with' you. Is this a test?", she asks herself, "Should I tell him how I really feel?". With the heavens falling to her face as she stared at the hotel room ceiling, she paused, convincing herself it was a stupid thing to do. "Honesty will only scare him away", she decides.

"Yeah, maybe. But eventually they all just leave me anyway", was her best response.

"You can't say that, no one knows what our life holds", he answers.

Really? That was the best he could come up with? There were so many questions in her head, "What am I to you anyway?" "How far do you see this going?" "Do you want me to leave him for you?" "Should I ask you all these things?" "What do you want from me?" "Do you really want to see me with someone else?", they were hitting her head like bricks. 

And yet she could see it in his eyes, how hard they were fighting to keep things the way they were. Complicated. Complicated to a level that they could handle. 

The emotions were there but letting it out by saying them would only make it harder. Saying them with their lips was easier. Saying them with their hands was easier. Saying them with their bodies was easier.

She couldn't decide who was having a harder time keeping things that way. It felt unfair for her to not think it was a tie. They were both dealing with different demons. Different fears.

And yet, every time they kissed it felt like none of them mattered. He knew what he had to do. She knew how to deal with it. 

He fell asleep. She stared out the window, gazing back at him every now and then. That cheesy quote "So close, yet so far" gave her the chills, but this time it was because it was true. And it sucked. It sucked even more than saying the phrase out loud.

The next morning she jumped on his bed to wake him. She ended up lying on his waist, tapping his bottom, as if trying to get him back to sleep after failing to do the alternative. She looked up to see him, only to see a smile form on his lips while he covered the upper half of his face with his arms, shielding himself from the sunlight fighting its way through the curtains. She smiled back even if he couldn't see her. She smiled because she knew. 


The Epitome

He looked around the Diner. People didn’t notice how they were arguing. They were pretty good at keeping things discreet. 

“No, that’s not why you’re sad.

You’re sad because no one’s ever looked at you like they see through you. You know, like they know you – all of you, all your dark corners, all the cracks in your head. Like how the beautiful mess that you are drives them nuts that they want to consume you right at that moment.  Like its love, and lust. So much lust, and love, and lust, and passion. Like they couldn’t wait to feel everything that you are, like being in you makes them feel what you feel, makes them know what you know, makes them see what you see. They want it all. They want you. You’re sad because you’ve never had that.

THAT’S why you’re sad”


We're Alone Now

Shmexxy. Thanks to my friend Fai for introducing this song to me. The only James Blake song I've listened to over and over is "Overgrown"