Churning The Butter




She belonged to no one.
That was her first thought that morning.

"No one", she reiterated. 

She would think about her childhood, and realized she dreamed her life away. She was a Dreamer, this one. She liked to think of her First Love, perfectly mimicking movie scenes as she rested her chin on her hand, diluted pupils staring at the top of the Blackboard, her Teacher on mute. Sometimes, when she was in the mood, it would be on slow motion as well - everything happening around her. 

As she looked back and reflected on her life, she noticed how she always ended up on similar situations, with different, but actually the same type of guy. 

"Do I charm these guys into wanting me when I'm in such an unwantable situation? Is that even a word?", she confusingly asks.

Do you ever believe in Soulmates? Cos this one does. She, however, with the help of one too many Paulo Coelho books on her shelf, believes that we have more than one Soulmate on Earth. She believes she has found three of them. The funny thing is (but its not funny at all), she was not tied to one of them. Like they all walked into a trap but the rest was left out, and she ended up stuck with the one that was not supposed to be there. 

"No wait, that doesn't make sense", she says, correcting her own brain.

She goes back into remembering the most recent Soulmate she met, and the first time she laid eyes on him. It was perfect. She felt like she'd known him forever. The connection, the spark, whatever this world called it. All the forces in the World seemed to work in her favor, because she proved herself right the moment they kissed.

But then she fast forwards it to today and now what? 

"No one", she repeats.

What did she do, why is she here? Well, she wanted this. She wanted it more than anything. And now what? Go with the flow, then. She thinks of everything that happened between them. The things he'd do. The things she'd do. Places they went. A smile turned up on her face. How can she say "No one" when there clearly is someone out there.

Someone who can't be "One". For now? Ever?

"Ever?"
"God, I hope not."
"When, then?"
"I don't know."
"What do you want to happen, then?"
"I don't know."
"You want this?"
"Yes?"
"Yes?"
"Maybe?"
"Maybe?"
"You're confusing me."
"No, you're confusing yourself."
"I guess. But I love him."
"How much?"
"More than I realize. More than I am capable of."

Maybe she should leave it at that.
Should she?




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