She Knew

She would give herself to him, again and again. Regardless of the cost, regardless of the consequence. 

"For Love", she whispers, "For Love".

And yet during one of those nights, on separate beds, pouring their hearts out to each other, about their similar frustrations, he asks her,

"Why don't you try to be with someone new?"

"New? But I consider myself already 'with' you. Is this a test?", she asks herself, "Should I tell him how I really feel?". With the heavens falling to her face as she stared at the hotel room ceiling, she paused, convincing herself it was a stupid thing to do. "Honesty will only scare him away", she decides.

"Yeah, maybe. But eventually they all just leave me anyway", was her best response.

"You can't say that, no one knows what our life holds", he answers.

Really? That was the best he could come up with? There were so many questions in her head, "What am I to you anyway?" "How far do you see this going?" "Do you want me to leave him for you?" "Should I ask you all these things?" "What do you want from me?" "Do you really want to see me with someone else?", they were hitting her head like bricks. 

And yet she could see it in his eyes, how hard they were fighting to keep things the way they were. Complicated. Complicated to a level that they could handle. 

The emotions were there but letting it out by saying them would only make it harder. Saying them with their lips was easier. Saying them with their hands was easier. Saying them with their bodies was easier.

She couldn't decide who was having a harder time keeping things that way. It felt unfair for her to not think it was a tie. They were both dealing with different demons. Different fears.

And yet, every time they kissed it felt like none of them mattered. He knew what he had to do. She knew how to deal with it. 

He fell asleep. She stared out the window, gazing back at him every now and then. That cheesy quote "So close, yet so far" gave her the chills, but this time it was because it was true. And it sucked. It sucked even more than saying the phrase out loud.

The next morning she jumped on his bed to wake him. She ended up lying on his waist, tapping his bottom, as if trying to get him back to sleep after failing to do the alternative. She looked up to see him, only to see a smile form on his lips while he covered the upper half of his face with his arms, shielding himself from the sunlight fighting its way through the curtains. She smiled back even if he couldn't see her. She smiled because she knew.